Gravity... if I cant see it, its not real.

Ok... so Monday night was my Microbiology test. After that we were supposed to be discussing CELLS. da da da dun

Let me give you a little background on this college again. I am not sure I described it exactly. The college is Empire State College and it is a SUNY school for adults. There are some kids who go there too but mostly for people who pretended to go to college when they were young and drove to the mall everyday instead.(Actually that wasnt my fault, Stony Brook was minutes away from the Smithhaven Mall and my car would get stuck going forward and just never make the turn to get to school)

The college has this unique program where you can write papers on your life events and get college credit for them. I thought this would be an easy scam to get credits but it isnt. You have to demonstrate college level learning in the form of a very long paper and then they are evaluated by professionals in that field and you can get between 1 and 4 credits per paper.

Soooo... my first paper was on Traumatic Brain Injuries because of how I took care of my brother in law after he was injured in a snowboarding accident. See blog The Biggest Little city in the World, Part 2 Mickey Mouse Sucks, Comas and Brain Injuries and Pregnant sisters oh my and the long and winding road for more information on this topic. (Yeah I got a little stuck on that subject, sorry)

The paper was 17 pages long. I know you are thinking to yourself, no way, Nancy is such a brief writer, how could she have come up with 17 pages. I actually had to stop the paper because it was so upsetting to relive and also it was finally due and I had to stop somewhere. I learned so much from that experience. I have to say that is what led me to realize that owning a girls sporting goods store was not for me and my life really had to include some sort of public service in a medical field. (Hence, Genetic Counseling, hence, Microbiology, hence why the hell am I blogging when i only got a 76 on my test) (woops, I gave away the surprise ending to the story)

Well, whatever...my second paper was on Owning and Operating your own business. It took me 6 months to write my business plan, I did all the research myself and spend countless hours finding information USING DIAL UP I might add. I included the business plan in my paper so that one was about 35 pages long. Shocked you are I know...

The third paper was on Volunteering as a Girl Scout Leader. I was a girl scout leader for all 4 of my girls but for Daughter #2 the longest. We went camping endless times and I have some great stories which I am saving for another time...

Ooh that just reminded me... this blog was supposed to be Nancys Rules for the World...ok maybe when I get home from work.

Back to Reality(oops there goes gravity)(that was for you D#2)In any case after the papers are done they are sent to this committee and you have to wait to see how many credits you get for them. I finished all these papers in June and I am still waiting. Probably because my original mentor, fell asleep during one of our meetings and just generally slacked off on my "mentoring".

No joke, he was reading my business paper and I looked at him and he was sleeping and I didnt know what to do so I shifted in my chair and kicked the desk and he startled awake, but fell right to sleep again. After sitting there thinking,is he dead, should I call 911, should I write on his forehead with Sharpie "sleeping mentor" which I lovingly call him now, no, not to his face...I finally said, ok I gotta go and he startled awake and said oh I think I zoned out for awhile. Umm yeah...now newly being crowned in the Mrs Alaska pageant, Mrs. confidence,(i did beat sarah palin out for that) I knew my paper was great so I didnt think it was me that bored him to sleep...he was like... i think its my new blood pressure medicine...yeah that happens to me too I said, so he wouldnt feel bad and I left.

Why is it that I always feel the need to make people who are clearly messing up feel better about themselves? Its not everyone really, just seriously old people and people who are so pathetic, watching them squirm is just painful. (not sarah palin though i would love to watch her suffer)

Now I think everytime he sees me its like "you know my little secret" and he avoids me. I have since changed mentors but I cant help wondering about the damage he did before I switched to my Bio professor as my mentor.

Long and Boring I know, let me get to the point Finally!

You register for classes and each class has a professor, You meet individually with your professor, they give you work, you go home and blog and then you return to be personally humiliated when you meet with your professor privately and have no idea what they are talking about.

Ok its not supposed to go exactly like that...

And I really should put a disclaimer here...I tend to exaggerate. No really, I do. So even though I constantly talk about procrastinating and never doing my work and being publicly humiliated, I could possibly be exaggerating a little. Like for instance it is possible that I have never gotten below an A in my classes. Just maybe.

The idea is a one on one meeting with your professor and you work at your own pace within a framework of the semester and then you get an evaluation with a grade at the end of the semester.

Now in the past I have taken about 5 counseling related classes. I read the book, I write my fabulous papers, I go in, discuss it with the professor,they tell me that I am brilliant, (which I kinda knew) and then I get more work, and go. No humiliation, no looks of horror. just general praise and yes i love that.

Enter Biology...I forgot to mention that you create your own major at this college and then you work with your mentor, not when he is sleeping, to create a group of classes that fits your major along with the core classes SUNY schools require. You know your basic english, math ,history blah blah blah...I made my schedule to be half biology and half counseling based on other programs and the requirements to get into a genetic counseling program.

The first biology class I took was Anatomy and Physiology and I was really scared, but then I realized that I have so many of the diseases and problems that we discussed I felt like I was cheating. When I had the test on the endocrine system I was like, I feel like I am cheating because I know all about the thyroid, pancreas, kidneys, liver because I have had issues with them all... and when I took the test on nerves and muscles I knew all about that because of my neck surgery last year. So I rocked that class like no other. I got an 84 on my first test and I was so dissapointed, that I got a 96 and a 98 on the next two.

I wont be embarassed by your applause...

Wow I have gotten so far from the original point of this blog which was...

I am taking two bio classes this semester along with two more counseling classes. All the counseling classes are read this book, write a paper, come in and discuss, done I get an A. The bio classes in the past were, watch this online lecture, take a test, sit painfully while he marks it and go home and get an A.

Cell biology... different format. Read these chapters, take notes, come in and we will discuss the material.

Did I ever mention that I dont actually believe in molecules and atoms and crap like that?

Ok so the first time we discussed cell biology, I was super humiliated. I literally had no idea what he was talking about although I read the chapter, took notes and thought ok we are done ever needing to know this.

I said words like Amphipathic and he said oh do you mean antiparallel and I didnt but I said oh yeah. Then he said what are proteins made up of and I said nucleic acids and he fell off his chair and I said no no no amino acids. But it was clear that I was a Cell Biology Dumbass. think president Bush when he is trying to pronounce the names of the foreign leaders...net..un..ya...hoodle??

this week I take my test on Microbiology and I do well on the multiple choice but the fill in the blank, no not so much. I would have gotten an 85 if he didnt have to grade the second part. I told him that I didnt study the parts of the different types of microscope because I thought it was really not that important and he said... you do know this is a class that is about things you can only see through a microscope right? Oh yeah...MICRO biology I get it. So do we call cell biology, invisible, cant see it so its not real biology, made up in some scientist who had nothing to do while all the other boys his age were dating biology??? NO... we dont. And that is why I didnt study the different microscopes or the people who invented crap because when I am telling two people that they shouldnt have children because there genes tell me that they are too ugly and stupid to reproduce... Neither of us will care that some guy named Leuwenhook or something saw the first cell in the 1600s
in cork. DO you agree or am I just being petty because I got them all wrong? And really, I only got one wrong but that doesnt make the point as well.

the purpose of this TALK we were going to have after my test was for him to convince me of the Law of thermodynamics. He said if I get nothing else in my life I should get that.

He starts explaining the law of thermodynamics which I blogged about somewhere else... it states that energy can be neither created or destroyed and that the universe is trying to become more random...

So he says... this is something you just have to accept, like gravity you believe in that right? and i say...yeah of course... and he says you know like evolution, you cant see that but you believe in that right and I am like....well and he says molecules and atoms... and I say... well I have trouble believing in abstract invisible things... and he laughs... invisible he says? as if its a question and I say can I see this and I point to a molecule of an unsaturated fat and he says oh no of course not but it exists and I like how do i know that and he says because its a well known thing like if we cant prove it wrong then we assume that it is right, we just believe that it is there because there is some evidence that it is and we havent had any evidence proving it wrong...


Sounds a little too much like religion for me...I need to create a new classification of people, if I said I was an atheist I would believe in science, if I was a GOD fearing christian with limited brain cells and warped ideas you would call me Sarah Palin but what should we call people that cannot believe in either one..

Oh this should be my first rule for Nancys Rules of the World... they can be called Nancies and they can stop using that name to mean losers and crybabies...,like you are such a nancy, or dont be a negative nancy...

No that is it from now on when you dont believe in something unless you can see it you can be called a Nancy...and we will know you by your crown... because that is rule number 2, crowns are required at all times....

Really the next blog will be about my rules for the world... read em and weep.

What is this world coming to? News you should know...

Lets play a game...

Rank these news stories according to how disturbing they are... and then of course you can hear why I think my way is right. No really, I might be a little opinionated about this stuff...

1. An 89 year old woman is being arrested for confiscating a football that rolled onto her lawn when the kids in the neighborhood were playing with it. She says they were trespassing and the ball is now hers. On the news this morning she showed the football to the camera and then locked it safely in her closet. She held her hands in front of her face and said...You better put handcuffs on me when you come to get me because I am not going quietly and you never know what I might do. She could face up to six months in prison.

2. There is an e-card that you can send when you discover that you have an STD and want to tell the multiple people in your address book that you slept with that you either got an STD from them or gave them one.




3. Sarah Palin, in an interview with a Christian News Show explained how in Alaska she has fought for legislation that would make banning Gay Marriage an amendment to the Constitution and that she would like to see the federal government follow and define marriage as between one man and one woman.


Ok... So lets rank them...On a disturbia level...3 of course has to be the most disturbing, then 2 and of course then 1.

Although I can see how arresting little old ladies for protecting their property from obnoxious little boys might upset you more than taking the rights away from two people who love each other...

Major sarcasm if you havent noticed.

Like all of you out there I watched Saturday Night Live and peed in my pants at the Amy Poehler news story. I softened my heart a little for what a good sport Sarah Palin was. And then I realized that she was probably too stupid to notice that they were making fun of her. She was probably like yeah, All the Mavericks in the house put your hands up.. shoot some moose...haha isnt this all funny.

I have to say that after the show I just felt sorry for what a stupid moron she is but my deep, unending hatred lessened a little.

Until this morning after I heard the news story when I was getting ready to bring D#3 to her performing arts school where surprisingly all the boys here are gay. I know you are thinking Musical Theater boys? Gay? No way!

yes way!!

So these amazing talented sweet (ok some of them are divas but whatever) young boys who may meet the person of their dreams, in high school, like I did, or later on in college or wherever... can never dedicate their life to another person in the eyes of the law.. and I am not even going to say before God, because we know that the Crazy Christians have already banned that.

They can never walk down the aisle, looking fab, and commit themselves to a life with the person they love...

Because Sarah Palin said so. Because she wants to take the rights AWAY from people, not liberate the world in any way.

I dont mean to diminish some of these other atrocities of the World but we one time thought slavery was ok and the gasing of millions of Jews and the violent attacks on Native Americans.

Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Asexual whatever... love for another human being should not be judged or even debated by the government.

When the founding fathers said All Men are Created Equal, they excluded women, because they werent that important, they excluded blacks, because they werent that important...I hate to tell you all out there but one of the things I learned in Microbiology, when I wasnt procrastinating, and wait...sshh I am going to whisper it...

WE ARE ALL BIOLOGICALLY THE SAME ON THE INSIDE!!!


People. That is what we are. And every person should have the right to love and be loved and make that committment in the eyes of the law. Love is a central theme. To all.

As always... I digress.

Oh come on you didnt know when you read the 3 choices that I had to go on and on about Sarah Palin, I was just waiting for the opportunity.

Disturbing Choice #2

An E-card to let someone know you just gave them Herpes? How sick and twisted is that? I actually saw a few on the news this morning and if you have to send an e-card because A. you either cant tell the person to their face or B. there are more than a few people you need to tell, well frankly you have some issues. You can send the card anonymously. So basically when you get the card you are like hmmm...could this be joe, larry, peter, who could have sent me this card?

What has happened to the world? I caved a little when you were able to send E-card thank yous and I was only slightly dissapointed to discover my children cant write in script but is there nothing forbidden on the internet? Is it a free for all where you can check your email and discover that you might have AIDS? Isnt that just a tad bit cruel?

Hey wait let me just check my email before we head out for lunch. Oh look there is an ecard from Joey.

Oh that cute guy you hooked up with last weekend at the bar?

yeah him

What does it say?

Roses are Red,Violets are Blue, I have syphilis and now you might have it too.

Seriously! I mean really! this is real folks. No exaggerating coming from this camp.I spent the morning searching for some, see above and now I am sure my computer is tagged with public health announcements for STDs.

Now lets address the little old lady who stole the football and just for the record Hubby disagress with me on this. He even called me Edna this morning.

She is sitting in her house, quietly sipping tea and watching old movies, when suddenly her peace and quiet is disturbed by little boys outside. (and when you say little boys, spit a little)

She goes outside, gets the football and refuses to give it back, because the boys,she claims were trespassing.

yeah so?...do we not have the right to protect our property from little boys(spit again)I mean they are dirty and they carry disease...yes they do...I know because I am studying to be an amateur microbiologist.

They were probably mean to the little old lady, I am sure this isnt an unprovoked attack, I mean little old ladies are usually very reasonable.

The fact is... where is the logic?

If they are going to grant civil liberties to gay couples and allow them to use each others insurance and make medical decisions...why cant they get married?

Marriage is a dedication of two people who love each other for a lifetime of love, snoring and having to share stuff.

A very wise person made it completely clear... marriage is marriage, love is love and sex is sex. What do any of them really have to do with government and laws except that we need the government to approve who we marry?? And do we need them to approve who we love and have sex with? No?

Unless they start monitoring the internet and viewing our E-Cards. Then they might forbid us to marry people who might spread disease.

So we cant protect our homes, or marry who we want, or spread disease all over the place....

The disturbing news stories are many and each day I wonder where this world is headed and how we are going to survive all this.

I have such simple steps for fixing everything... Tune in next time for Nancys Rules for the World. I am sure you will find it entertaining... I always make myself laugh...and thats all that counts right?

Horton Hears a Glycosidic Reaction

I am still studying Microbiology. I know you are thinking that I sound like a broken record.

And for you younguns' out there who do not understand the terminology of BROKEN RECORD... it means when there is a giant scratch in your record, think large cd's, and Sean Cassidy keeps singing Da Doo Run Run Run over and over...

Sean Cassidy? Oh please... you dont know who that is... David Cassidy (from the Partridge Family)...his half brother...Had a great career as a Hardy Boy?? The boy version of Nancy Drew? Ringing any bells yet?

So back to Microbiology...I finally understand the parts of the cell and I just think of it like fiction that I just have to memorize. And I am sickly addicted to the study of bacteria and disease and viruses...part of my being a doctor on tv addiction I guess. I just consider myself an amateur doctor. Not really doing it for money, just like a hobbie.

Glycosidic Reactions, I dont even know enough to make fun of it. Something about Glucose being broken down into Pyruvic Acid for energy? Where does this take place? oh in the invisible cells of Unicorns that live on the planet Princessland? right now I remember.

So Hubby and Daughter #3 were in the kitchen when my studying came to an abrupt halt when I got to the page on Glycolysis and Fermentation which is not anaerobic respiration even though it doesnt use oxygen either. You dont get it?? Yeah me either and unlike records skipping I cant explain it to you.

And Hubby tried to relate it to something real, like high school, and let me point out that he doesnt understand biology any more than a 2 year old but I see where he was going with it, so heres my version.

I tried to relate it to Horton Hears a Who...do you know the story?

Horton, a giant gentle elephant, finds a world on the head of a ball of dust and no one will believe him, not Maize the lazy bird who later in another story drives to Nebraska and leaves her egg there and Horton adopts it raises it as his own and then she comes back later to take the credit, assuming as the birth bird she can just waltz in and take it back when all the hard work of raising it through sickness and teenagerhood is over...or the Wickersham Brothers who are really just thugs looking to start a fight with the gentleness of Horton who is trying to stick up for a world that cant be seen by the naked eye...are you starting to see the connection here?

Horton tells everyone in the world on the dustball to scream real loud (not like when Pee Wee Herman said the word of the day)anyone??? if you dont get this reference you are too young to be reading my blog.

All the people of the town are supposed to scream so the non believers will hear them and not want to exterminate them just to prove Horton is a nut job who belongs in an institution with the Grinch and that dog who didnt know who his mother was, or that Cat that messed up the house when the parents were away...yeah there is a Dr. Seuss asylum where they all go after the stories are over. And its "realer" than any molecule of pyruvic acid.

yes it is...

Screaming is coming from the ball of dust but Hortons "friends" (and what kind of friends are those really) dont hear it. So Horton tells them to make sure that no one is shirking, that all the Whos in Whoville are screaming....

They run through the town and they find JoJo the Shirker in Apt 12j or something like that (its been a long time since I read that story to my kids... or myself)

and they are like JoJo, you have to scream, we cant do it without you and JoJo is like NO, Obama is winning in the polls I dont have to run out a vote, I can just sit back and hope the rest of our country gets out and does it for me


And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.
“This,” cried the Mayor, “is your towns darkest hour!
The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
To come to the aid of their country!” he said.
“We’ve GOT to make noises in greater amounts!
So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!”



(Shameless plug for voting for Obama I know, but seriously Get out and vote for him, we cant do it alone)

They convince him to scream and he when he does suddenly the meanies in the story admit that Horton isnt crazy, that there is a world on the head of a dust ball and even though we cant see it, its still there. Horton always believed in them, he just had to get them to believe in themselves and everyone contributing made it happen.

So okay, carbon molecules and mitochondria, make yourself known, the word of the day is Supercalifragilisticexpealidocius, everytime you hear it, scream real loud and when I hear you i will believe you are real too. And so will Chairy, Globy, the Genie and Cowboy Curtis.

We are here, we are here, we are here...

The State of Nebraska has an awesome new law

Funny story...

The state of Nebraska was the last state in this country to institute a safe haven law for people to drop their newborns off at a hospital or police station if they couldnt or wouldnt take care of them.

You know... pregnant teens without a vice presidential candidate mom, or 44 year old woman who arent vice presidential candidates who give birth to downs syndrome babies, or people who arent sisters of famous people that shave their head and dont wear underwear when they get out of cars...

those unfortunate kind of people can drop off their child at any hospital or police station and no questions asked, walk away...

so back to Nebraska... they refuse to pass the law, whatever the reason, they are the last state in the country and I guess they feel left out or people are leaving their babies in corn fields so they decide to pass the law, the safe haven law, the one that is supposed to allow people to drop off their newborns to be safe...

yeah well in their infinite wisdom, and honestly I dont know anyone from Nebraska, this is just coming from my own midwestern prejudice that they are all down home hillbillies, chewing grass and wearing suspenders...

In their infinite wisdom they made the law to state that any parent can bring any child to a safe haven location at any time...

And while I just made fun of the stupidity of Nebraskans I should be patting them on the back to have come up with such a unique idea...

Giving your kids back .... as teenagers.

Now I have not really gone into any teenager bashing on my blog... Mostly because I am in the in between stages, my two older girls are 20 and 21 and the two littler ones although being teenagers technically at 15 and 13 have not reached the pinnacle of bad teenage behavior like D#1 and D#2.

And I know that D#1 is saying what did I do so bad and although she didnt participate in such bad activitities as D#2 she was fresh in a way that only teenage girls can be.

But I can totally see wanting to give them away at that age...

so first some guy drops off 9 of his children, NINE... I dont know if he kept any of the good ones or just made a clean sweep but man they showed a video and that guy was skipping out of there.

Now the story is out there and all of a sudden people start driving across state lines to teenage dump their kids. Its like field of dreams,,, if you build it they will come...

No kidding, this is a real story. Some lady drove from Iowa to drop her 14 year old daughter at a safe haven in Nebraska, because some idiot in the law department forgot to make an acceptable age limit for the safe haven babies.

And then it was like all hell broke loose in middle america, people starting streaming into Nebraska to drop off their teenagers. I think all in all 27 kids were dropped off.

You know there was a rash of people doing this in the 80s and 90s with grannies. They called it granny dumping and basically they would drive their old decrepit grannies who didnt know their own names and leave them at places like the race track and the mall.

It was kind of sad,,, I mean grannies are way cuter than teenagers. Teenagers should be sold on the black market but no one would take them...Until the rocket scientists in Nebraska after holding out for all these years finally made a safe haven law,they just forgot the most important part.

That it is supposed to be for babies, Not teenagers.

I told my friend Ellen this story at work.

And then we mapquested New York to Nebraska. I think it may be worth the trip.

Entropy

I have been away from my blog for a whole week now, mostly because after last weeks humiliating moments with my biology professor, I actually spent the week studying.

That coupled with fasting and atoning for my sins...pretty much took up my whole week.

Over the last week I have had some brilliant blogging ideas in my head, but I resisted.

And now... I got squat.

Really...I think my brain sent me a message the other day that said low disk space. I just dont have any memory left.

Now some people have mentioned that this was because I turned 40. I cant believe that one day you wake up at 40 and poof your memory is gone.

I think more likely what happened was the drugs took it away and ... well... i was too drugged to notice.

In case you are unfamiliar with what I am talking about here is the quick version... yes I can tell it quick...kinda

I woke up with a pain in my neck.

I spent the next 6 months going from doctor to doctor, having them judge me and blame everything other than what was really wrong with me.

And every doctor prescribed a different kind of drug. Nerve drugs, antipsychotics, pain killers, oh lots of pain killers, sleeping pills, anti inflammatories, steroids... the list goes on and on...

And for 6 months I walked around in a stupor... that never took the pain away.

yeah thats right because there was a bone spur broken in my neck that was poking through my disc into a nerve...

Not gonna be fixed with drugs, or shots, or anything other than surgery.

Well that was information that would have been helpful... YESTERDAY!!

Its like you start to think of something and you cant remember the name of a song or a name from your past and you feel like its right on the tip of your tongue...

Well now... its like my tongue has been cut off. No tip. I have tried and tried to think of things that I have forgotten and there is just no connection... no feeling of "maybe if i think a little harder" no nothing...this is your brain on drugs...

So when my biology professor said "Are those held together with ionic or covalent bonds?" and I said "ionic" and the look on his face was of total horror... i couldnt even remember the name "covalent" so I said..."the other one"

Sadly I think this is what stupid people must feel like everday.

And here is my other problem with the whole memorizing of the biology stuff...

Contrary to popular belief, my brain functioning is set in reality...mostly...and I just dont understand certain information such as "...40,000 of these can fit on the head of a pin..."

or "... the second law of thermodynamics is that everything in the world is trying to become more random..."

"Entropy...It is a measure of the randomness of molecules in a system and is central to the second law of thermodynamics and the fundamental thermodynamic relation, which deal with physical processes and whether they occur spontaneously"

Is anyone else scratching their head and screaming... what does that mean and who the hell cares?

ok good... i thought it was just me.

so seriously... I read an entire chapter on beliefs, theorys and laws and what makes each believable to scientists...

Apparently the first and second LAW of thermodynamics is real. To someone. Because its a law and it takes a lot to earn that title. You dont just get to be a LAW, you have to earn it with years and years of science guys trying to prove you are wrong.

But the Big Bang Theory...see the word theory in there, that implies that there is still some questioning going on even among the guys with 4 inch glasses, nose hair and pocket protectors. If they cant even be sure, come on, how can we?

So maybe I dont really believe in molecules and atoms and black holes... maybe although I have spent my whole life shunning religion and peoples BELIEFS, which apparently are way below THEORIES and LAWS in the big bad science world, maybe just maybe I find it more believable that there is a spirit that lives in the sky and judges our every move that created all this.

The trees, the water, the sky, the people, the animals and of course mallomars.

My father is an atheist scientist, which I guess goes hand in hand and he made fun of Noahs Ark recently, thinking it was ridiculous that some ancient bearded guy in the desert could build an enormous boat and convince two of every animal to get on board when a flood was coming.

Yet he believes that in the span of 13.7 billion years, when there was absolute nothingness, at the perfect moment, all things came together and exploded and poof there was a universe...then to keep this absurd thought going further he believes that all the elements that we need for today, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen(yeah that one is pretty important)hydrogen and all the other ones I couldnt possibly remember from the periodic table...were made and mixed together in some kind of wierd soup that created life forms and first there was a cell, then an alligator, then monkeys and then us.

Ok so maybe it took a little more time than that, but basically that is the premise of all life.

And in order to believe that theory, you must also believe in exponents and logarithms and things to the negative power.

Like these parts of the cell I have been reading about. They are measured in nanometers, like 10 to the -7 power.

Yeah and people have trouble believing in Unicorns? Yet they believe that invisible microparticles can transport proteins through our bodies that make us have blue or brown eyes, or make us tall or short?

Not a very believable THEORY, I must say.

So I have been rethinking my plan to become a genetic counselor because apparently although these scientific ideas are just theories, most of these loser geeks in the science world think its REAL.

I think I almost believe more that a giant bunny comes and hides eggs in my house and leaves me candy on Easter...or that Mary was actually a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus...Or that a jolly old fat man with elves knows how much I needed Mrs. Beasley and the easy bake oven and snuck into my house, ate my cookies and left them for me under a giant tree.

Yeah that or dinosaurs? ice ages? wooly mammoths?

Not very convincing.

My brain just doesnt understand abstract... chemistry, geometry, picasso, exercising

I only understand what I can see... or invent in my head...reality...like the tv shows, you know? Real stuff...being stranded in a remote place with beautiful people in dirty underwear trying not to get voted off, or competing with other fatties to burn more weight yet also stay on long enough to win the million dollars...trying to become the BFF to Paris Hilton.

All real, believable and not invisible made up stuff...like the endoplasmic reticulum and ribsomes and DNA,

I mean really its not like reality tv is any way tainted, like the News or Professional sports,

...that may as well be as real as the protons, neutrons, quarks...yeah them and the tooth fairy...

Is that all there is....Grandma's Suitcase

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is


This is a song by Peggy Lee. I never heard the song but my mother made reference to it the other night.

The night we opened the suitcase.

It is a black suitcase, unmentionable in fact, except for the contents.

My Grandma's suitcase.

My Grandma died April 27th, 2007. I was in the midst of my illness and never really believed she would die. In fact I was sure she was the only person that would live forever.

She was 94, still drove everywhere and worked handing out little samples in the supermarket.

Frequently a box would show up at my door filled with little boxes of cereal or snack bars.

She stole them.

In her defense she believed I needed them more than the little old ladies shopping in Publix in Hollywood, Florida just south of Fort Lauderdale.

I was her favorite. And she let everyone in the family know it.

To defend her(again)I was her favorite because I loved her and was very nice to her. I called her to tell her about the kids, sent her gifts for her birthday and the holidays and spent time with her when she came to visit.

She was a difficult person to get along with (see blog The Muriel Rule).

In February of 2007, she was living in her apartment, working, playing mah jong with her friends, driving around and just enjoying life. She always told me how lonely she was and I felt sad for her for that. My Papa had been dead for almost 17 years and her sisters had been dead for years and one by one her friends had died off as well.

Most people who want to live forever I think underestimate the loneliness when all your loved ones are gone.

My cousin was getting married in Seattle and she wanted to go. She flew off to Washington State and made her grand entrance at the wedding. This was her favorite moment in history when she could have all the attention on herself.

The trip was too much. The flight, the wedding, the hotel... all too much for her.

She came back very sick. And she went downhill fast.

Her kids decided that she could not live alone anymore. She wanted to die if she couldn't. They insisted. She fought back. They told her it would be great.

And then she gave up.

My aunt and my mom got her set up in an assisted living.

She hated it.

They brought what they could to the assisted living and they left the rest behind.

They tried to make it homey, but it just wasn't the same.

My aunt was cruel and treated my grandmother and her stuff like it was crap.

My mother wasn't strong enough to fight my aunt, her older sister.

My grandma wanted to die as soon as she got there. They took away her teeth and her silver shoes and her designer bag and replaced it with house coats and Depends and lots of medication.

She went in strong and independent and in the span of just two months became incoherent and sickly.

I tried to call her and tell her about the kids,about me,and tell her I loved her but she couldn't hear me because they took away her hearing aids.

I sent her a package with a robe, slippers and pictures. She never got it.

She died, alone and sick.

She wished herself to death. She told my mom that she was done. She was sick of living and wanted to be with my Papa.

Everything she owned was packed into boxes, where it sat in my mean aunts garage until it was moldy and broken and neglected.

Months went by.

My uncles wife decided she needed to step in and get between my mother and my aunt who by this time could not even speak without screaming at each other.

She went into the garage, divided up my grandmas belongings and gave each sibling the stuff.

In reality I am sure my aunt took what she wanted, my uncles wife took what she wanted and they left the crap for my mother.

They packed it into a box and gave it to her, mold and all.

My mother went through it, threw out the things that were unsalvageable(is that a word)and packed it into the suitcase.

The one that we unpacked on Rosh Hashanah.

It has been there since last April 2008 when my parents returned from their winter getaway. And we were gonna open it on Passover.

But we were avoiding it.

Until the New Year, Rosh Hashanah, before Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, the day to look forward not back, to leave the past sins of the previous year behind.

So we unpacked the suitcase.

And as you see in the picture, it was just a bunch of crap.

And it made my mom so sad because none of it meant anything to my grandma. None of it reminded us of her life and how she lived.All of that was stolen by my aunt and my uncles wife.

She used to give her things away when she was alive because she said she wanted to see us use it.

When I was living in Jacksonville, I could not for the life of me find a menorah for Chanukah. She sent me hers from Israel and I still use it to this day. I also have her seder plate and Elijahs cup.

And of course I have the ring. The onyx and platinum ring that was my grandmas that my mother gave to me on my graduation from high school that I refused to give away so instead started a new tradition and gave my girls new ones. It says on the inside Grandma to Muriel 1928, my grandmas 16th birthday.

And it is all I really have of hers that is with me every minute of everyday. I never take it off. It connects me to her and to my past and my history in a way that nothing else could.

But is that all there is...is life just about what ends up in a cardboard box at the end of your life.

When hubby went into the Navy, he left everything behind. When he came home the contents of his room was reduced to one single cardboard box. That is how he came into this marriage. With just some old crap.

We have built a life here. We have 8 rooms in this house filled with stuff not including the garage.

There are pictures and books and clothes and furniture and figurines and of course, a whole room of my collectible old retro toys.

And in the end it will not be about this stuff. The stuff I have collected over the years, the stuff we bought when we probably couldn't afford it, the stuff that in the end will maybe make it to the cardboard box.

It has absolutely no meaning.

The things that we all think are so important now, will just be in a suitcase somewhere waiting to be opened. Or they will be sold at a garage sale or on eBay. Or just tossed in the garbage, like my aunt did to most of my grandmas stuff.

The only thing that cannot be reduced to a cardboard box or tossed like old garbage is a memory. A moment in time that cannot be replaced. A connection with someone you love so strong that it is forever implanted in your brain...

The night we got engaged, my wedding, each of my kids births, our cruise, mine and hubby's anniversary trip to the city, the girls first steps, when they left for college, the winning point at the buzzer in the basketball game, the concert at Lincoln Center...

No one can hold these hostage in a damp, humid garage or throw them out or pack them in a cardboard box...

And yes of course I wish I had more money to pay the bills or make our lives a little easier but if it comes to the choice of saving for a rainy day or spending the day doing something with my kids...

There is no choice for me...

I don't need any more stuff for my box.

Its filled with love and memories and a life full of joy and those things don't take up space in my box...

They take up space in my heart...

And there is always room there for more...

It's A Girl February 1995

I saved the best for last.

I hope that line makes up for the fact that I have like 40 posts before I told the story of her birth.

She has been boycotting reading my blog until I wrote it. With that and someone else threatening to boycott if I tell certain stories, I am fearful that my following of like 4 people may be in jeapordy.

So I will tell this story and keep silent on others but just wait for my book... it will all be in there.

In 1994, I was living in a two bedroom condo with 3 daughters, ages 7,6 and 1, a dog, a life, a mortgage, a cancer free husband, a ton of medical bills and very little space.

It was only logical that we decided to have another baby.

We always wanted 6 kids, we never knew how long we had together, (thanks a lot Synovial Sarcoma)we went on with our life as if tomorrow was here and we began our fourth attempt to have a child.

It took about 4 seconds until I found out I was pregnant.

A few days before Fathers Day in June of 1994 I found out we would be having our new bundle of joy due on Hubbys birthday.

So on Fathers Day, I gave him a birthday card which totally confused him and it said, an early birthday present that you can enjoy for 9 months.

Of course this was sarcasm based on the fact that I had spent 2 of the other 3 pregnancys puking everything I ever ate into the toilet, on hubbys shoes or in some random places across Long Island, Boston and Jacksonville.

I have to admit, I dont consider myself a high maintenance kind of girl, but I am a pretty demanding pregnant girl. I have a theory... that no man could ever understand the joy, pain and sorrow that goes into being a mom from conception to well...forever, so they should pay up during the pregnancy in lots of ways.

One of course being the delivery of lots of good snacks, anything, anytime, no questions asked and no oinking allowed.

I ate muenster cheese and pickles constantly with Daughter #1, also Taco Flavored Doritos.

I ate nectarines and hersheys kisses with D#2. I also created lots of my famous specialties of today like lemon chicken when I was pregnant with her, probably why its one of her favorite foods.

The only thing I could eat with D#3 was spicy food, which I threw up anyway but usually stayed a little longer than the rest.

But with D#4... I ate everything, in mass quantities. I think I must have secretly known that it would be my last moments of eating glory, so I did it up big time.

I felt better than with D#1 and D#3, so I cooked and ate and sent hubby out for food all the time. I remember not long before she was born eating Brownie Sundaes every night. Warm homeade brownie on the bottom, ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream...so delicious and fattening.

My doctor told me to stop, that eating for two literally meant having like an extra 500-800 calories per day.

What did he know? He was a man.

And I gained the same amount as with all the other girls... 50 lbs. Whether I threw up every meal or ate brownies every night, it didnt matter. 50 lbs, 4 times, same story.

Now even though I had gained the same amount with each kid and they were relatively the same size when they were born, I knew this wasnt the case here.

I felt her from my neck to my knees. No kidding, this baby was going to be way bigger than the rest.

By 6 months I could barely walk, I felt like she was going to fall out.

And she kicked like a linebacker.

The week of my due date, the doctor was like... you are 4 centimeters dilated already, which is a lot, and it may be quick because it is number 4 so come back in two days and we will make a date to induce you. We dont want you to be in the mall and your water breaks and the baby pops out.

I dont know, would I get a lifetime shopping discount... should I name her Macys or J Crew?

So I come back on February 15th totally planning on going to the hospital and he is like... oh the baby shifted, blah, blah, blah lets wait until Friday...Hubbys
29th birthday.

Major dissapointment when you are about to explode and send an alien like creature through your stomach...

I go home saddened but looking forward to another brownie sundae...

Doctor Idiot (as I refer to him now) says he will call me Friday morning and I will have the baby then because lets face it, I might interfere with his weekend otherwise.

Thursday around noon (and thats 12 for anyone who isnt sure what time noon is)he calls me...Hey Nancy... what are you doing.. oh nothing with a mouth full of brownie sundae... why dont you come in and have the baby now?

For Real???

Yeah for real!!

Oh I get it... I can have the baby and go home by Friday (in those days you left quick) and then you have a free weekend.

I try to beep hubby. Still no cell phones back then, I mean they probably existed but not in our world. No return, beep again, and again and again.

I knew he was working across the street from our house so I grab D#3, who is barefoot and probably still in her pjs and we get in the car and head over to Genovese.

I walk in and the guys he is working with, installing signs, take one look at me and are like, holy crap, you are in labor, Hubby Hubby, they scream, Nancy is here and she is having the baby.

Relax, men can be so irrational around large pregnant women with barefoot toddlers and chocolate smeared on their faces...

No my doctor is lazy and wants the weekend off.

Whew...

I call my mother who says she will come and watch D#3 and wait for D#1 and D#2 to get off the bus.

We head to the hospital without being in labor. It was kind of strange.No running in with my shoes on giving birth in the hallway, no 39 hour labor, no going to the hospital only to be sent home...

When we get to the hospital the nurses are like oh have you been in labor for awhile, Um NO...Water break... Nope... any probems... none my doctor just told me to meet him here.

Apparently that is not good Gynecologist behavior to induce someone for no reason at all. They were not happy. apparently there were many people who REALLY needed to have the baby that day... so many laboring women that there were people on beds in the hallway... everywhere... it was like a pregnant women farm.

Now it just so happened that I had a friend who was a nurse, who had a friend who was an anethesiologist who worked at STony Brook. We see him in the hall and he is like why are you in the hallway.

No beds... too many babies being born today... maybe its a full moon.

A few minutes later.... Mrs. Hubbys Last Name... we have a room for you... the birthing room...

Ok for anyone older or younger who doesnt know what that is...This birthing room thing was a great idea invented in the 80s so that hospitals dont look like hospitals,,, they look like bedrooms...

It was a scam really because when your pelvic bone needs to seperate to 10cm, you dont really give a crap about what color the curtains are.

It was highly desirable at the time to GET the birthing room. First come, first serve. And you could be in labor, delivery and recovery in there. A true one stop shop for baby.

But it was 4pm on a Thursday with people in the hallway,,, why was it empty??

It wasnt... but it was a first time mother in there and my friend of a friend, the anethesiologist, had her removed to the hallway.

Oh the joys of nepitism...it works for me.

They started inducing me at around 5:30pm. They hooked up the IV, and sent drugs into my body to make Daughter #4 come out.

Now before I go on with the story, lets just think about what I just said...they rip the baby out before it is ready...what kind of a attitude do you think you are going to find after you have disturbed the delicate balance of birth???

Yes exactly!

Now the beauty of being induced is that they hook up the epidural around the same time as the drugs because they CLAIM the contractions will be faster and stronger, just like a speeding bullet.

It was a Thursday night in the 90s, it was Seinfeld night and eventually ER, Now I see the joy of the Birthing Room, just like being in my own room watching the famous Thursday night lineup.

Except for the fact that every 2 seconds someone comes in and examines me and says, oh do you mind if medical student so and so examines you, or intern whoever, or tom the janitor...

I love the research aspect of Stony Brook and the teaching opportunities,,, in theory...not when I am about to give birth to a small T-REX.

After a half an hour or so of pushing,,,Ta Da,,,Its a girl,,,

My doctor(and now you will see why I call him Dr. Idiot)says two of the stupidest things I have ever heard(and I have heard some stupid crap in my life)...

First he says "Holy Crap, I think this is a ten pounder" which she wasnt but she was a heavy load...

And then he says "Oh another girl, dont worry you'll try again and have a boy next time, just wear your shoes during conception" And he didnt say it that nicely...I have changed the wording to protect the little ears that will be reading this...oh I guess that would be little eyes...anyway...he was vulgar...

I may have mentioned this once or twice...I never really wanted a boy...Maybe with D#1 I thought I wanted a boy because I never had an older brother... but after that... nope four girl suited me JUST FINE...

I was in my room upstairs by 11ish. She was born at 9:55pm on a Thursday.

I was home by 7:30pm on Friday. No joke..
Being a seasoned mother I was happy to go but some of the new moms were totally unprepared.

I believe they reimplemented a mandatory 48 hour rule for new moms. Good Idea...

Like I said... I was a very experienced mom of 3 already...so I came home put her bed and planned on getting some sleep.

WRONG... she woke up every hour to eat. WOW this is wierd... maybe in the hospital they stalled the babies but not even D#2 was this hungry and she never slept either.

Well to make a very long blog a little shorter...

She never slept... not ever... she ate every second she could be eating...She was 8 lbs 11 1/2 ounces when she was born and 21 1/2 inches. By ten days old she was 10lbs and 22 inches.

By two years old she was taller than D#3.When we tried to take stuff away from her she would hold it over her head, even when she was only 34 inches tall...she knew someday she would be able to do that and we wouldnt be able to get it.

Now she is taller than us all, including Hubby. 5 ft 9 1/2inches and still growing like a weed. Actually like a sunflower...

because although there were moments in her life when I would have sold her for a sack of beans...I wouldnt trade her for the world now...

She was a hungry baby that didnt sleep. As a toddler she spent so many times in the emergency room, they wanted to call child protective services on me.As a kid in elementary school, she began to shine as a warm loving person that would help anyone who needed her.

2008...13 years old when other kids are going bad...talking fresh... behaving poorly...hanging out with a bad crowd...not D#4...

No she is in Peer leadership where she helps other kids solve their conflicts...she is in student council and works hard to make the school a better place...she plays tennis, volleyball, basketball(for the school and a travel team)and runs track...she is in all honors classes...

She is always chosen to give tours to new kids or help parents find their way on open school night...last year she was on the committee to design the new student organizer...captain of the rely for life team to raise money for cancer...all chosen by the principal...

D#4 is tall and beautiful...watch out Mr.J and Tyra...Americas Next Top Model, we are waiting until she turns 18...

she is smart and funny... and loving.... so loving and caring it can bring tears to your eyes...

If I sound like I am bragging I am... because I spent a lot of years complaining to anyone who would listen...

And I almost gave up... more than once...I wanted to sell her on the black market but I knew it would be like the Randsom of Red chief... where they steal the kid but he is so bad they bring him back...

She drove me nuts... literally... I wonder why there are no pictures from 1995 or the few years after... I was too busy banging my head against the wall, murmuring incoherently...

And there are times when that spark of evil comes back into her eyes... like at Outback when she blows the straw into Hubbys face or when I tell her to stop sticking her fingers in the sour cream and she does it just one more time...

But I see her wings also, peaking out from under her pink hair and I know she is an angel, sent to keep us on our toes and to always remember that there is more than one way to look at things...she may tower above us but she bends her knees and hugs you tight and sees the world through beautiful blue eyes that are always looking to make this world a better place...

she has made ours that way just for being here...






side note...not sure if you can tell in this picture but the morning of her Bat Mitzvah, we were so happy that she had made it with no broken bones, teeth or concussions...minutes before she is about to get dressed we are all sitting in my bed and she comes in holding her head... i hit my head on the medicine cabinet she says...hahaha we laugh, until she moves her hand away...

Hubby I say... does that need stitches...

just another day in the life of my sassy lou.