New Years 2009..its gonna be a happy new year!!!

That time of the year has come when we need to reflect on the past year. Laugh at how poorly we followed last years resolutions and make preposterous new ones that we will quit by sometime in February. I for one think the mania should stop.

Somewhere somehow all of these holidays that we now celebrate had meaning. They had spiritual meaning and community meaning.

Now just Hallmark meaning.

Even New Years. The diet books, the health clubs, the laser hair removal... all they want is our money.

Its a fresh new year and its a life marking. Another year has gone by and what have you done to make yourself a better person? What have you done to make someone elses life better? Can you look at the last year and say that you have grown (and not just in the waist)?

In my head I started this blog like this...


I wish I was 16 again...

I have a lot of reasons and I will continue with that thought in a minute, but this past year has been hugely successful for me on my terms. Last year before I turned 40{which is how I mark my time... in decades, the 80's being my favorite of course)I made a list and for the most part I think I accomplished most of the list give our take my own spin on them.

Here is the list:
Put all my pictures in photo albums
Go back to school
Pay off half of my debt
Lost 20 lbs.

So D1 spent months over that summer of 2007 putting my pictures into albums. I started school in 2007 and I have about a year a half left until I complete my Bachelors of Science in Biology and Human Services. I have accumulated more debt BUT...I am working on a budget now and it seems to be working. And I lost 23 lbs. (Yeah so I gained it back, there is nothing in there about keeping it off)

I feel like this year has been truly a good one, no one died, no one fell off a mountain and only one person I know got cancer and he seems to be doing well. That is how I measure my world. By tragedy. No big ones this year. Great News.

We safely avoided a major disaster with you know who almost becoming the you know what....

(sarah palin becoming VP)Whew that was too close for me.

I know some people will say that the economy crashing was not a good thing, but I think it really only affects people who had money to invest, no one who has all their money (12 dollars) hidden in a cracker box in their pantry.

Back to my reasons for wanting to be 16 again...

Although its a new year and I feel good about everything I have done this past year, the things I have to look forward to in the New Year are well, kinda boring. I dont mean boring in the sense they are meaningless or stagnant, I mean they are just not things that excite ME.

When my dog died in 2003, I tried to explain in therapy why that was so crushing. Besides losing one of my favorite children, (she never talked back or stayed out until 430 in the morning) it was the end of an era.

No more family of 6 with the perfect dog and the white house with the fence. No. It was gone. The life I loved was gone. I had opened the store and I was working 90 hours a week. The kids were growing up and moving on. My therapist tried to say that there would be new good things but honestly I dont see that.

Sure I look forward to the days when Hubby and I have some free time and we can travel and eat filet mignon because who cares when you only have 2 people to feed. I may even give Clover a piece(my new very bad dog).

And I am happy to say that Hubby and I do still enjoy time together. I am not looking forward saying Oh no what are we going to talk about when the kids are gone. Its not that at all.

I just have loved my life for the past 25 years.

I was 16 when hubby and I started dating. It was all new and everything we did was special because it was the first time. First date, first meeting the family, first holidays. We got married at 18, had D1 at 19, D2 at 20, D3 at 25 and D4 at 27. We bought our first house when we were 22 and 23. Then we bought the house we live in now when we were 26 and 28. We watched our kids go to school. I was a girl scout leader, class mom, pto member... all these things are things I loved to do.

Some of the kids still talk about the potato latkes that I made every year for each kids class. (you gotta spread the judaism where you can here)And our girl scout camping trips that blew all the other troops away.(yes I do recognize that this probably isnt the essence of girl scouting but man we kicked ass as a troop)

I loved being a mom. I still do but as my kids need me less and less, I feel slightly out of the loop. I am a pain in the neck when I want to know something I think my kids wont tell me. I am overinvolved, oversharing, obsessive compulsive and I just cant help it.

I spent years knowing their every move. Hubby and I were the sole influence in their lives until they went to school and then of course we taught them to secretly judge and stay away from the undesirable bad kids.

"Oh isnt that sad that that girls parents let her wear makeup in elementary school, they must not care about her, I love you too much to ever let you look that trashy"
and on and on.

In a million years I would not want to go back to high school. I did not have any good friends and the person I was is not the person I would ever want to be again.

But once I met hubby and he and I began the path to our life together, it has been full of... well its been full of life. We have lived.

And I know it is so easy to look back and see only the good things and gloss over the bad but I dont think thats true. I see the bad and believe me some of it was really bad. Some of it was probably the worst things I could ever have gone through in my life. I hope to never see some of the things that have happened to this family ever again.

But I know there are other things that I will never see again and that makes me so sad.

I am over 40 now. Halfway to death. On the back side. Everything i do now has to count in double time because its going quick.

I want to make resolutions, not for some personal fitness place to make money or a diet program to sell me cardboard food.

I'm Giving Up My Vices
I'm Going Back - Back To School
Eviction Or Not
This Week's Been So Hot
That Long As I've Got You
I Know I'll Be Cool


The plan I want to make is to become a better me by this time next year. I want to experience things that make me glad to be alive. I want to see my kids enjoy their life and not feel regret for the things I wish I did when I was their age, but never quite got around to it. I have to back off. They are moving forward like I did when I was their age, with a bright fresh look at whats to come and the endless possibilites that only growing up offers.

I am all grown up now. No more neverland for me. I have to head in the direction of adulthood for real. but maybe just maybe I can keep some of that childs spirit alive, maybe that is what keeps you younger longer. Maybe I can watch how they do it and put my own little backwards spin on it. Maybe you can too...

Tag your it!!!

Stop this Moment in Time

Did you ever have a moment when you wished time would stand still and it would last forever? It has taken me so many years to appreciate those moments more because they come and go so quickly. Those moments cant be made. If you try too hard they may never happen. You just have to recognize the moment and you have to be there in the moment and feel the joy because those are the things that will stick with you forever. When you are old and the mad cow sets in, these things will come back to you like it was yesterday.

In this case, it was yesterday so its still fresh in my failing memory.

I have had those moments before but I have learned that they are few and far between.

I had one of those moments yesterday when we were driving home from Christmas Dinner at my sisters.

I was driving because Hubby had too much home made wine. We were listening to a cd I made hubby for Christmas and Journey Dont Stop Believin came on the radio.

Now the girls are squished 4 in the back of the car and it is tight and uncomfortable. D4 has ADD that makes her have to move around a lot and usually this trip is filled with yelling horrible insults like D4 why is your butt so big, and everytime D1 hiccups or burps everyone screams she's gonna blow. D3 sings loudly all the time and D2 is just always annoyed at whatever else anyone is doing.

So we are making our way home, journey comes on and everyone starts singing together. Hubby just looks at me and says, Arent you so proud?.

and it was a moment I wished could have lasted forever. We were all having fun and laughing and singing and of course I had a drum solo.

and then it was gone.

something shifted in the world and we lost the moment. Maybe the girls didnt even recognize it. For me its always when we are all together and there is talking and laughing.

Those moments come along less and less as the girls get older and they are not all together as often. And everyone has their moments of irritation at the others also.

Christmas is over for this year and the only thing left is the mounds and mounds of gifts, garbage and returns. I always feel such a let down when Christmas is over like why do we work that hard for one day. Why do we put ourselves in debt, shop endlessly and then it comes and goes so quickly.

It's because of the small moments like this one. The fleeting instances of pure joy that come when holidays bring us closer together.

I have been thinking about this blog for 2 days and just havent had time to write it and now I am not really happy with it but I am tired and hungry and think because today is my only day completely off for the rest of my life that I will go now and nap and wake up to this later.

I will because I can....

Blogger Block

I may be having blogger block. I am not sure what happened. Last week when I was working 60 hours and finishing up my paper for Cell Bio and studying for my final and trying to keep at least obvious dirt from accumulating in the front hall because D#3's boyfriend has super clean white socks....

I had a million blog ideas.

Now I am like... well... not so much.

I am still waking up at the crack of dawn but instead of blogging I am just milling aroung wasting time.

I do want to complain about the post office that apparently lost two of my packages this year. And I work in an internet store and constantly tell people that they have to contact the post office directly but now that I am in this position I just want my stuff and I want them to fix it.

How can the post office be this lame? Seriously!!! packages constantly dissapear. everyday people call and tell me that their package says it was delivered and they never got it. and now i can say the same. i ordered two really special things and both of them have not arrived. Both of them came from the edison,nj post office to mount sinai where what a shock, they have dissapeared. How do I know my mailman hasnt stolen them? Mostly because you have no recourse with the post office. UPS has a tracking number and has ways to prove you got your package. Post office... no its a wing and a prayer.

They are so lame. During our busiest week ever, the post office web site was down. first it said on their technical site recording... yes we know we are having difficulties. then it said... yeah stop calling , we are broken. Then they just disconnected their phone number and posted a message on their website that says yeah we are still experienceing difficulties and use someone else to mail your packages. It was completely ridiculous and seriously what can you do? I wanted to send a rude email but we were afraid of retaliation. True story. The post office always knows and they are coming to get you.

In your sleep... like the clown from poltergeist.

cant sleep...post office men will eat me...cant sleep... post office men will eat me.

The holidays have become so much more painful over the years. I heard of one of D4s friends who was going to Hawaii for Christmas. We cant do that though because D3 made a rule that says you can only celebrate a holiday in the correct weather season.

No Christmas in Hawaii or Fourth of July at the North Pole.

Just cold, windy, sleety rainy weather for Christmas. and boiling in your face suffocating heat as we celebrate our countries birth.

I happen to be a celebrater. Have you ever encountered one of them before? I celebrate everything. I used to celebrate more when my kids were little and I had the ______________fill in the blank, time, energy, money, creativity, mind powers.

But I still believe in the celebration and let me tell you why.

Celebrations are fun. They have food. They have people. And even if those people annoy the crap out of you...You have a blog story. so you see. It's all good.

Celebrations are to recognize how special you are to me.

And without getting too morbid or creeper...you never know how many you have. For serious. Life changes in a split second. And its too late once... well its too late.

You dont have the chance to celebrate the last Christmas or Chanukah or the last celebration of your first date or your wedding.

Those days are special because something different happened on that day. You have heard me talk before about Groundhog Day. For the most part the days are the same. "You wake up and time has slipped away". You get up go to school, go to work, see your peeps. Whatever, but not much changes. When there is a birth... or death...or holiday...or someone gets braces or glasses... right after you call them four eyes or brace face...there should be cake and laughing. There should always be laughing.

I have been accused of being a 12 year old boy. Actually yesterday I was only 8 but that is because I had my nephew to make fart jokes with. And ps he is way more mature than I am. But... laughing is what keeps you young. Fun and funny, celebrating, it takes the sting away from the humdrum world we live in with mortgages and insurance and bills and breaking toilets. It goes away during a celebration. Even just for a minute.

So July 30th 1984 is when hubby and I went on our first date to Campus Heroes. And we celebrate it every year. We eloped on December 14th 1985 and we celebrate that too. We had our wedding on September 28th 1986, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. I remember each date that I found our I was pregnant and even though there may not be a full blown celebration, there is a mention and a story.

Life is short...Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Anyone Anyone...

so in conclusion....

when there is nothing left to procrastinate, apparently I will procrastinate blogging.

The post office sucks ass. And loses packages all the time.

And life is short so... Celebrate good times.

Come on.

Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead....

Ding Dong...The witch is dead the witch oh witch, the wicked witch, ding dong the wicked witch is dead.


I dont know why I have the urge to sing this song now that I am done with school. Seriously, I dont think it has any relevance but I felt like it so tough noogies.

Anyway... school is over for this semester and after all my bitching and complaining and procrastinating... I got 2 A's and A- and a B.

yes the B was in microbiology but I did get an A- minus in cell biology. Mostly because I spent the last 48 hours watching, photosynthesis, glycolysis and thermodynamics for dummies on youtube. D3's boyfriend told me on Sunday about this incredible new phenomena...youtube... where you can watch videos, rap videos about protein synthesis... and other biology functions. Who knew??

And I am sure you smarty pants at all those good colleges are saying, really how can a 53 ever end up as a B. Well, its because there was a curve. My test was curved with all the smarty pants at Stony Brook. And some of them were taking microbiology to be doctors.

So there...

Anyway... I didnt sit down to blog, I sat down to eat cookies and watch the biggest loser. But seriously folks...

I am back.... in full force....


Look for future blogs of the time I lost D1 on the subway... songs that remind me of how mean I was as a kid, why oh why southern men are mean to me when their bears dont come... and many more....

See you later allligators.... i have got to sleep tonight because tomorrow...


we shop...

Do you remember the times of your life?

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life (do you remember)

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part (comes the saddest part)
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Of your life
Of your life

Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life
Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life

"I dont know if you guys understand how much I appreciate and respect you both. You are always there for me and I am so lucky for that....I'm glad youve never given me away and although you've probably thought about it many many times before I'm oober glad you didnt" D4

"You teach me how to be the person I want to be. You are wonderful amazing people and I could not ask for better parents ever....I hope you both know how amazing you are and how amazing you are together" D3

"I have so much respect for you two and appreciate the respect you always have for me to allow me to make my own mistakes and decisions and learn from them. I feel so sad for everyone who doesnt have you two as parents. No one can possibly understand the loyalty and love we share in our home." D2

"Twenty three years and for twenty one of those you two have been the greatest parents someone could ask for. The example you have set for all of us is amazing.I know I speak for all my sisters when I say that we all hope to one day have a relationship just as successful as yours....so much of what makes you good parents are the small things that most people dont even notice." D1

"I wish I had a blog so I could write all the great things about you...I did want to reply to "What makes a man husband worthy?" with "What makes a woman wife worthy?" but I realized just saying "Marry Nancy" would be weird and unattainable since I took you off the market" Hubby

These are excerpts from letters that my family wrote to me as a surprise for our anniversary. Hubby had each of the girls write us a letter and D4 printed them out on beautiful paper. they were presented to me at my favorite restaurant along with 2 dozen of the most beautiful flowers and our wedding candle.





Since we have been married, hubby has been buying me a rose for each year we were married. These roses were waiting on the table for me when we arrived at the restaurant, Paces Steakhouse in Port Jefferson. We have not been there in four years. I cant believe I have lived that long without cold crab cocktail and the best filet mignon I have ever had.

The candle was given to us by the reverand that married us when we eloped in December of 1985. His name was Reverand Wentz and he had a little chapel in Freeport. We have burned a little of it each year but we are thinking it might be like the chanukah oil and last forever, even though it is about halfway burned now.

So we arrive to this beautiful table right by the window overlooking Port Jefferson and all the holiday lights. After a little toasting ourselves and how amazing we are, the maitre d brings out these envelopes. And they each contain letters to us from our girls. I just included little bits and pieces here but all four letters were heartfelt and precious. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride(and not like John Mccain felt for Sarah Palin). I felt proud of the people they have become partly with our influence but also because of the paths they have chosen and the hard work it has taken to get there.

And the card from hubby was titled "I want to share life's journey with you".

I almost feel speechless about this whole thing.

I know you would be worried about me if I didnt have more to say, but really I am totally taken aback at how special of a night this was.

I said to Hubby, I love you every single day of my life. And he said Well not every single day. And I agreed that the snoring takes away about 5 % of my love for him. I know it seems like a lot but sleep is seriously important and without it I am starting to be more forgetful than usual.

When we eloped 23 years ago, we had no idea what this journey would be like. We each knew we loved each other, had a committment to each other and respected each others feelings. The things that happen over the years are the things that kill relationships and make them painful and miserable. We get comfortable, lazy, complacent and that breeds contempt and taking someone for granted.(Dont take New Hampshire for Granite)(Thats a private joke for hubby)

The thing that makes Hubby so special is how far he is willing to go for my happiness. For cheeseburgers at midnight to hugging the maitre d. He steps outside his comfort zone and wants only to make me happy.

I am having trouble finding the right words here.

We were 18 and 19 when we got married. No one could possible know enough about life at that point to get married. I knew he was cool, had gorgeous hair and was heading into the Navy. He knew I could be mean, was going to Stony Brook and drove a cool 1972 Cutlass.

I kid around here but how much can you know about a person when they are that age. Could you possibly know that they would stick up for an entire staff of people just because it was the right thing to do? And get fired for it? do you know he would ride miles and miles uphill both ways on a bike in San Diego only to have you pass out at a swap meet? Could you know that he would respect your religious beliefs even though they are completely wrong and out to lunch and buy you a perfect stained glass jewish star for your window on your first celebrated Chanukah?

Could you ever know the way his face looked the day you gave birth? Four times, he had the same look. It is indescribable. Joy and love and pride. He treasured each child and finds ways to connect with them individually. How could you know that he would be the perfect "girl daddy"? And I am sure he would have been the perfect boy daddy too but luckily for us we never had to find out.

He has held my hair when I threw up, watched me go from a tiny little teenager to a middle aged fat woman and he has looked at me with the same love in his eyes the whole time. (except when I ran over his foot)

It is beautiful and new at the beginning. You meet, fall in love, spend time together and it is all good. You dont get to see the bad stuff right away, like how he acts around his parents or his friends. You dont know if he will be a hard worker and work two or more jobs his whole life so you can stay home and raise your children. You dont know if he will love you after all the unpleasant things like bad breath, and onion skin, and stomach viruses. You dont know that at the beginning.

In the last 23 years I am not sure there is anything in this world that hasnt happened to our family. Well we havent won lotto, hey wait I didnt check my numbers this morning. I could be the winner of 207 million dollars.

And you know what...not much would change. We would have nicer possessions but the letters that came from my daughters and hubby, those are priceless and no stinkin lottery is going to change that.

We have live through life and death, more times than is humanly imagineable. We have witnessed marriages and divorces and births and illness. Each of us has had at least one life threatening surgery. Each one of us has dealt with dissapointment and regret.

On nights like last one, it is easy to love someone. there was wine and conversation and flowers.

It is the days that you wake up and there is no heat and it is 18 degrees in the house and you bundle up, make hot coffee and chat while you wait for the heating repair man that then you know.

He is it. The man of your dreams, keeper of your world, life partner and husband extrodinare. He is your prince charming, the lenny to your squiggy, the laverne to your shirley, the brad pitt to your angelina jolie.

Time has gone by and every moment we have had together, be it good, bad or ugly, has been what makes us a perfect team.


He loves me...


and I let him...


Its all good....

What makes a man husband worthy?

Really? You dont know what makes a man husband worthy? I have my rules and I have tried to brainwash my daughters into my way of thinking. For the most part I think they have listened, but I will never know for sure until they make the ultimate decision to choose a prince.

so my first rule is this...treat you like a princess. I know I have said this before but hubby has always treated me like a princess. always... even after last weeks unfortunate incident when I ran him over with his own car. and I was really sorry but he still loves me. Although I think it was touch and go for a minute. He said that was one of the only times he has ever been mad at me. Go figure... not the time I dyed all his Navy uniforms pink because I thought the white load meant all underwear and socks. I didnt realize that it meant the color white clothes. We could barely afford ten cent macaroni and cheese and we had to buy all new uniforms because apparently pink stitching on your Navy whites is not acceptable. No joke I think that may have been the first time I ever did laundry in my life.

Or the many times I have tried to smother him in his sleep so he would stop snoring. Or how often I make fun of his heritage.And the fact that I have called him four eyes since the day I was comfortable enought to say it and for him not to leave me. Or tell him his haircut makes him look like a cancer patient. And he laughs and says yeah well I am. and we laugh about cancer, because you have to or you fall apart.

so to be considered for marriage, yeah you must always act like a prince to your princess. That means do not sit there while my daughter takes out the garbage or watch me bring packages in the house. I am totally not a feminist. I could clearly carry anything I wanted or tile a bathroom but if there is a man around, yeah he should do it.

Hold doors, give up your seat on buses, trains, planes anywhere where there is a woman standing and a man sitting.

Protect me from danger. this includes lurkers at bars or restaurants, going down in the middle of the night to kill dragons, vampires and murderers who have obviously snuck in past our dog when we werent looking. When a man is coming on to me in a bar, stroll by casually and kiss me in a long passionate kiss right on the lips to make sure everyone knows I am only yours.

Ok, very important one. Make sure husband material is apalled by the smashing of cake in the face of the bride/groom on the wedding. This makes me sick. If any of my kids do this at their wedding I will instantly know the marriage will end in divorce. Telltale sign.

Say bless you when I sneeze, say thank you when I hand you a napkin, say please when you want something like dinner or clean underwear. Say everyday... you are beautiful and amazing and I am not worthy, because, lets face it, you are not.

Big important one... Will your man go out at 9 pm to get you lobster, ribs, ice cream, cheeseburgers? In a snow storm? At 2 am will he get you a chocolate shake and a large fries because that is what you used to do when you were young, in love and hanging out in bars until 2 am? And you are having a small meltdown because you are middle aged, fat and yearning to be 16 again? ok it was really only 8 pm but that is just because we are old now and that is not the point anyway.

Will he always respect you, always and treat you like you deserve to be treated? With love and caring and never question your decision to not make dinner again tonight because frankly you were just too damn busy. Or playing guitar hero. Either one.

Husband material... will accept your parents but never demand that you accept his family...will sit through americas next top model, one tree hill, and john tucker must die??? will open the car door for you, pay for the date and tell you you still look beautiful even after you spill coke and a meatball hero on you.

On your anniversary will he send flowers to the restaurant so they are on your table at the place you went on your first date, or the place you got married, or just anywhere where you are having dinner that night?

Will he never call you porky pig even though he had to order half of your meal when you were pregnant because you were just too embarassed to order the bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes and an english muffin?

Ok granted some of these things would happen after the marriage but like one of my daughters now, she is asking the important questions. Will you get me lobster at 9pm, will you smash cake in my face, will you always say I look beautiful even after I spill my entire meal on me?

these are the things you need to know. Husbands dont just grow on trees. You have to train your own. You need to pick out their most annoying habits and put a lid on them. Now...before you have husbands with minds of their own, making decisions,ruining all your hard work...Train your man early... it takes time and frankly they could go rogue at any time.

Hubby and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We learned about each other and I set out on the task to make him perfect, to make him husband worthy, to make him a keeper. those kinds dont come around that often. when you see one you have to scoop him up and begin your work... just remember they are like dogs, sometimes they will forget and have accidents on the carpet, but you just get them back on track and someday soon you will have your very own prince...

Like me...

They say its my birthday...

Its been one week since I blogged....

and today is my birthday....

and although I would like nothing more than to blog and eat....

I cant because I am a grownup now...

And I am 41...

And I thought after the horrendous act of turning 40 things couldnt get any worse...

I may have been wrong...

Groundhog Day...

Nothing ever changes...

Not even on my birthday...