Because I knew you... I have been changed for good

Change... that is a word that has been thrown around quite often in the last few months. Change for our world and our economy...change our new president will bring....change of our weather, global warming, severe storms.

People change. Or do they really? Can people really change?

I never liked avocados or obviously guacamole. Never in 41 years did I like it. I tried it multiple times. No not my thing.

Then last year all of a sudden I had guacamole at a party and I loved it. And I love avocados. I want them in my salad and on a sandwich all the time.

Why? What changed that made me suddenly like avocados?

Eating avocados is not really a big deal to anyone or really to me either. It is a change in my life that will go unnoticed and uncared about really, and it should.

No one will stop me from trying to eat avocados or criticize my love of avocados.

So why then are people opposed to other changes that take place in our lives?

True change does not come about often. Maybe it is a slow process that happens and suddenly you wake up at 40 and say wow I am not the same person anymore.

Maybe its a sudden change that occurs when something tragic happens like a death or a traumatic brain injury.

Maybe its when you are in a different environment amongst different people and you see yourself growing in a way that you never even thought possible.

Maybe you meet the person of your dreams and through your life together you teach each other things that change you.

I was in therapy for 5 years. I wanted a big change to happen through that therapy. I wanted to be able to open my mouth and say things like, hey dont cut me in line, or stop hurting my feelings or no I wont wait 2 months for an appointment. I wanted to be assertive. I wanted to get what I wanted when I called credit card companies and cell phone stores.

But mostly I wanted to tell my mother that she was very hurtful sometimes.

That is why I started going.

What I discovered is that that kind of catastrophic change does not happen when you want it to. It doesnt happen like turning on a switch. It really never happened for me the way I wanted it to. Which is why, a month ago when I had a car accident and i knew I wasnt strong enough to explain what I wanted in help from my family I chose not to tell them at all.

Which of course has turned out to bite me in the butt because I was hurt and now have to go to the doctor 3 times a week and it is getting harder and harder to keep this up.

So at a family wedding on Friday, I told my cousins husband that I was seeing a chiropracter and my sister was there and I explained that my neck still hurt and she asked why and I said... I was in a car accident a few weeks ago but I didnt tell mommy because I didnt tell her right away and then it just got too far past the accidnet to tell.

And she looked at me with such pity and disgust and said "How old are you?"

Exactly. I havent changed at all when it comes to my parents. I am still 5 years old, hiding things I didnt want them to know and acting like a child.

They have opposed any change in me over the years and even though I have tried to fight back, with them I just never can.

They want me to be the same obedient Nancy who makes everyone laugh, follows the rules, feels guilty enough to see them and include them even when I dont want to, and never ever be difficult.

Change can come about slowly, or quickly, or never at all.

I believe that changing is part of growing and that if you do not grow as a person every day that you will lead a boring and miserable life.

Growing is learning. Learning who you are and who you want to be.

D3 just came back from a month in theater camp. 12-15 hours a day of intense learning, experiencing, growing. She found out things about herself that she never knew. She talked to someone about her past lives and was amazed to discover a reason for some of her anxiety. She made a friend who has been with her through her past lives and who will forever be in her heart. She met people she loved and people she couldnt stand.

She grew in ways that I am sure we can never see.

The problem with true growth is that it is opposed by people around you who want you to be the same. Your family.

Especially in people who dont know what growth is because they dont experience things the same way others do. Their experiences in life are different and maybe their growth is slower, quicker or not at all.

In any case, I understand why she doesnt want to see anyone from home. They all stayed the same. And she didnt. She grew to a place that is not measurable from any one elses standpoint except her own.

I have seen all my children change over time. Physically and mentally. It is hard for me to see change in them because I see them every day, but I try to recognize it and appreciate it.

I havent always been happy with the changes but I respect their right to find out who they are through these series of changes.

You cant tell a blind person what a sunset looks like or explain the sound of a childs giggle to a deaf person.

You cant express love to someone who is incapable of opening their heart to the possibility of pain.

Life changes. Changing is necessary. I may not be exactly where I wanted to be at this point but I know I can get there because I believe in the possibility of change.

The reason our families oppose our change is because they feel they may be left behind when our growth causes us to change in a direction that doesnt make it comfortable for them to stand still.

And sometimes we have to move on alone. Leaving behind something we once thought could be forever but realize cannot.

Hopefully when you love someone you are both willing to work towards the same goals, and you repsect the other persons need to change or to stay still.

But often when you find that you see things very differently after changing and you may never be able to get that back.

There are times in our lives when change is inevitable and it is only when we can completely look inside ourselves do we see the possibility of long and lasting growth to a new us that will make us happy.

Dont go changing to try and please me....



Because I knew you I have been changed for good.

Yeah I should grow up... but I wont

Observations i have made this week

Well,well,well...

it seems there is a secret that I never knew. Having fewer children would have been way easier.

Ok... so I know you are thinking DUH..

But no really... the first time I thought about it was a few years ago when I went to pay for a vacation to Disney World. I had to pay per person and I realized that if I had 2 less children it would have cost me 2000 dollars less.

Hmmm... I thought. Things could have been cheaper with less children.
I swear that is the first time I ever thought about it.

When D1 was born, it was hard but I had no car, we lived far away and no money. I spent all day playing with her and although it was exhausting it was the life I always wanted.

When D2 was born, it was hard going from 1 to 2 but I figured it out and ultimately they were raised more like twins. I bought diapers and food and it didnt seem like I added much more to our expenses.

Going from 2 to 3 was a lot of work and since A)I hadnt had a baby in 5 years, B)Hubby was diagnosed with Cancer weeks after she was born and C)my family was not talking to me, it made it that much harder. I know that is why D3 was so well behaved. I mean really she slept when you put her in the stroller, was sweet when she was awake and literally made everyone smile every place she went. She was a light that stayed bright as long as we needed her too. But I managed.

I had the whole mom thing down by the time D4 was born and had she been like my other girls I probaly would have been ok but NOOOO... she was a nut job. Having 4 kids under 8 years old and the little one requiring so much time... it was hard.

But for the most part, it never occurred to me how much more money we spent on clothes or food or anything else. It just seemed like we spread around whatever we had.

for the entire 14 years I have had 4 children, I guess I just got used to there always being laundry, always needing to go food shopping, always needing to clean something, never having enough money.

It didnt seem to have anything to do with the amount of kids I had, rather just this was our life.

SOOOO when the only one around was D1 last week, it didnt occur to me that anything would be different.

Boy was I wrong.

first of all, I neglected the laundry all week, yet on Saturday when I went to do the laundry...not even a whole load of clothes. How could this be I thought?

D1 was doing the dishes after dinner... are those all the dishes she asked? Yea... I say... hmmm I think... somthing fishy is going on here.

And when I left for work in the morning, however I left the house, it was just like that when I got home. I cleaned one day and when I got home... yes can you believe it? The house was still clean.

When I bought a bag of Chips and spinach dip, every day I got home I had a little of it and it lasted the whole week.

Dinner... well it would have been cheaper if I didnt use all the food money to buy porterhouse steaks, 6 of those, which we had in two meals instead of just one.

A five pound bag of potatoes lasted through 2 dinners and a leftover. Normally I struggle to use it for one.

I observed that D4 is clearly the messiest kid I have.

I observed that D3 and her dilemmas take up a lot of my time(and I dont mind I am just stating a fact)I love being a part of the fix my problems game.

I observed that not having any children when we visited D2 in washington dc made it a beautiful visit where although they were all texting me at the same time I got to talk to her and listen to her and buy stuff just for her.

I observed that D1 liked being an only child and was way calmer without all the others around. We had a great time at the beach together and enjoyed cooking dinners and preparing other meals.

I observed that being alone all week made me appreciate hubby more and although I was nervous at the beginning of the week that I wouldnt want to spend the rest of my life just the two of us, by the end of the week, we had a nice time at the beach together and spent some quality time on two car trips together. Not as much talking as I would have liked but.. well I am flexible.

I realized that since I found out I was pregnant 23 years ago, hubby and I have never had more than a day or two alone. This was probably the longest we have ever gone since we moved in together in May of 1986.

I observed that my eye stopped twitching around Wednesday after all the kids had been gone since Saturday.

Yes it took that long to calm down. Think post traumatic stress disorder.

Although I had so much to do, I did a lot of reading, crossword puzzles and closing my eyes while I sat in the backyard.

There is a story about a man who goes to his rabbi and says Rabbi my house is too small and with all 8 kids I cant stand it anymore.

The rabbi says, go get the pigs out of the barn and put them in the house.

What are you crazy the man says? But of course he listens to his rabbi, because all good jews do.

After a week he goes back to the Rabbi and says I cant take it with the kids and my wife and the pigs, its too crowded.

So the Rabbi says go get the cows from the barn and bring them in the house.

What are you crazy the man says? But he listens to his Rabbi because he doesnt want to go to hell.

On and on this goes, adding animals and in laws until no one could move in the house.

The man says Rabbi I cant take it anymore. And the Rabbi says Ok, go get everyone out of the house.

And when the man does he realized how amazing it feels to have just the 8 kids and his wife in the house and how spacious it feels?

Do you get the drift of my story?

I was being secretly judgemental... I know you are shocked... but I was thinking how easy parents of only children have it. Just 3 porterhouse steaks, every time. Not a 2000 dollar Kohls bill. 3 people for tickets to Billy Joel or Broadway, and if its a boy, no manicure/pedicures, haircuts, tampons, hair gel... all stuff which could add up to I dont know enough money for a boat.

When we went out to dinner with just D1, we sat on the same side of the table and D1 sat on the other side. Two clappers... all to herself.

The bill, half of what it usually is.

So is it because we had all the pigs, cows, horses and in laws in the house and when they left it seemed so quiet? Or is it because life would have been way easier with less children? If I just had one, and it was D1, I would be done now. I would own an apartment in the city, and a beach house in the Cayman Islands. I would have gone to Hawaii and Europe already and not be waiting for the last kid to graduate the last college.

But what would that get me?

Real Estate and fancy trips?

That is never what I wanted from my life.

It was the children.

The laughter, the excitement, the holidays with loud yelling and lots of activity in the kitchen.

The debating, the girl talk, the boy talk and the talk about politics and drugs and morality.

The kitchen, the heart of our home, cooking, eating,cleaning up and then more eating.

And I am sad that it is almost all over.

It was nice to have a little peace and quiet this week but if you asked me to go back to the best time in my life I would say, 2000 until 2003. The time when D4 started school to right before we opened the store.

The kids were 5,7,12 and 13. There was not a lot of money to go around and not much time for each kid but we managed, happily. It was fun here. The girls had each other if they needed them. No one drove, no one left home unless they were playing with a friend. And we enjoyed our time together.

I could never imagine not having the girls. I could not imagine having just 1 kid. None of my kids wants to be an only child and I am hoping this means that their childhood was special to them. I hope they have a lot of children, who can come and visit grandma anytime they want so they dont have to wait 23 years to enjoy their time with their spouse.

No Hawaiin shirts, No mickey mouse ears, no fancy cars, boats, or trips could ever take the place of my kids, how much I love them and want to give them everything they ever wanted.

No, I brought in the pigs and chickens and cows, they are gone now and I am happy with all the room that they left.

We will all be together next Saturday and that does not happen often anymore. And I will treasure it. Every minute, every last meal, load of laundry, new clothes, toiletries, manicures. All of it because once its gone I will probably choke on all the filet mignon I will be eating, but its no fun alone.

No fun at all.

Home Alone Again

Ok so I am home alone again. I got out of work early, thought up all these great things to do and now am sitting at my computer thinking how I should be doing all those things but am so unmotivated.

Here is the thing. I love my kids. Really even when I complain about them. So I enjoy their company. I want to get a manicure pedicure but its not fun alone. There is no one to roll your eyes with or giggle uncontrollably.

I want to clean out the basement but that requires heavy lifting and I dont want to do that either. Alone. It doesnt seem fun at all to go through old games and toys with no one to be like, where did all the monopoly money go or why do we have 8 twister boards?

My room is a mess and I really should clean it but I dont even sleep in there anymore because of Hubby's snoring. I mean who cares if its a mess when hes in there.

Its about to storm and how fun is it to eat chips and dip and brownies alone in a storm. Not fun at all.

I could clean because the house is filthy. But I am waiting for a thyroid storm to come along to give me the energy to do that.

I am done with all my summer classes and waiting for my books for my fall classes so I have no homework to do.

Bills, paperwork, Nah, just dont feel like dealing with that right now.

A million phone calls to make doctor appts for D3 and D4 and the endocrinologist, D1 and Hubby for the dermatologist, me for the dentist, D2 for glasses... Problem is that could take all day and I could still not get anything accomplished.

Steam clean the carpet? no my mother borrowed the cleaner and i dont feel like going to get it.

Plus its about to pour.

Could do work, Actually I came home early and said I would do that, but I need my glasses and they are in the car, or downstairs or somewhere where I dont feel like looking for them.

Sit here pitifully, thinking if I had just had 2 more kids I wouldnt be this lonely.

Maybe I should go get a puppy,,,, that sounds like a fabulous idea.

See you... woof woof.

Home Alone

Did you ever see Home Alone?

That is me. I am home alone.

I mean not really. D1 is upstairs but she is leaving for work at 715am. Hubby is leaving at the same time. D2 is in Washington DC in her new apartment. D3 is away at camp until August 1st and D4 is vacationing with her friend in Myrtle Beach.

What shall I do with my aloneness?

Shall I clean the house?

No I have no helpers. I mean D1 helped cook and clear the table but I did the dishes. Is this what my life is going to be like when they leave for good? Me with all the chores.

I knew I had a lot of kids for a reason. Why is it getting so close to the empty nest? I am not ready. I mean I did lay outside all day. I ate when I was hungry and I went food shopping for 3 instead of 6. I didnt save any money though because I bought more expensive food.

Porterhouse steaks, roasted potatoes, cheesy bread, tomato and mozzarella salad and grilled vegetables.

And when D1 went to do laundry, there wasnt any. Granted I did all the laundry on Thursday but seriously... no laundry. I didnt even know those 2 words could be next to each other.

So here I am home alone at 11pm and what I am doing? Blogging. Answering email. Wishing someone was home to get me a bowl of cherries.

No helpers, no slaves, no one to talk girl talk to because hubby is a boy and clearly does not understand the merits of obsessing over certain subjects.

I miss my kids. Not just now but when they were little. I miss my life. The one I planned with lots of kids and fun. Not quiet. That is not fun at all.

Maybe I should start planning some tricks like Mulcalhy Culkin did in Home Alone. Watch out Hubby and D1.

The games shall begin.

Good thing Clover loves me.

My Temporary Absence

I've been away for awhile now...

I have been with another blog.

I know I know I am sorry I cheated on you with another blog.

But you were getting all old and boring and I had to try out a new one.

Really?
No!

I had a school project due and it took all of my time to work on that.

Plus I havent been that funny lately.

SO.... if you want to check out the "other blog" and stalk that a little you can do that....until I come back which will be soon... I promise.


http://dragonfliestoheaven.blogspot.com/

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral

Days ago I had this whole blog written in my head. It was titled Heaven just got a new angel.

It was great as my invisible head blogs always are.

But I had to... i dont know pick something... take D4 and her friend to get her nails done, take D3 to physical therapy, take D2 up to college or do laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, etc.

So I didnt get to write it.

And now... its not coming to me as eloquently as it was before.

Jews believe in heaven but not in hell.

Convenient I say...

So I guess I believe that good people go to heaven, but what happens to bad people?

whatever not really my point right now and not really what i want to talk about.

Heaven is a place where people go when they die.

Last week a beautiful brave young woman went to heaven.

She had such a short life to live, just 27 years but she lived them in a way that brightened the lives of so many people.

She was diagnosed with s similar kind of cancer to hubby. He had synovial sarcoma, she had osteosarcoma and chandrasarcoma.

She was diagnosed in September of 2003. She was 21 years old and just graduated college. Hubby had been cancer free for 10 years at that point.

In sarcoma world the cancer comes back at 10 years, you are never totally safe.

We met her in 1990 when my sister started dating Tizzy. She was 9 years old.

She babysat for my kids and she sparkled wherever she went.

When she was diagnosed her parents threw her a huge 22nd birthday party. She was heading for a huge surgery invented by Hubbys doctor Dr. Boland from Memorial Sloan Kettering.

We knew then that Hubbys cancer had meaning. He had to have it so Dr. Boland could treat Stacie. It made sense that way. Stony Brook Hospital told her that there was nothing they could do. Dr. Boland said he had an idea and he consulted with people all over the world and they came up with the surgery.

At her party, Stacie told me, I feel lucky to have had cancer at this point in my life. I will beat it and then for the rest of my life I will appreciate all the little things. I will live my life to the fullest, I will treasure every moment.

From the first surgery in December 2003 until the last procedure just a few weeks ago every thing that could go wrong did.

She never had one moment of peace, but you would never know it.

We visited her in the hospital many times. She smiled through the agony. She would answer how are you with good how are you?

She wanted details about the kids what they were doing, how they were. She laughed and never once showed the depth of her pain and the suffering she was going through.

All the information got worse. The chemo didnt work, the cancer grew, then it spread.

We knew that the cancer would kill her but somehow we always hoped there would be a miracle.

The miracle was that she lived this long. This kind of cancer usually kills you quicker.

A few weeks ago we got the last bit of bad news... she was coming home but it was hospice. It was just a matter of weeks.

And last Wednesday, she finally slipped away in her sleep peacefully like she deserved to.

At the wake Mrs. T told me, Nancy do you know what she was wearing when they came to take her, when the angels came to take her..

The shirt D2 designed that said CANCER SUCKS.

Hubby has one, Stacie had one and D2 has one with Hubbys and Stacies initials on each sleeve.

Things are never funny at funerals. I became a comedian when hubby had cancer. A professional, not just playing one on tv.

But funerals... there arent many funny things there.

Of course except nuns.

Nuns are always funny.

so when we were driving in the funeral procession and we almost got seperated it was because the nuns were driving too fast in front of us

So i called them the flying nuns.

that was pretty funny.

Well then when we got to the chapel, no one sat in front of us or behind us and the kids were like, its because we are jews and if god striked the jews dead no one wants to be sitting next to us.

So they sat the nuns there. I guess they figure they have a free pass with the big guy upstairs, they didnt have to worry about armageddon in the chapel.

The service was stupidly religious and impersonal. Jesus suffered so should you... dont get that. lets weep for jesus. dont get that either.

So lets just say when the nuns started singing God is Good God is Good over and over in a high pitched voice, not only was I not touched, but i thought it was funny.

I cant tell you how many times my family said to me this weekend, you are going to hell.

Cant... jews dont believe in Hell.

Loophole... haha

So i am sitting in the chapel...laughing at nuns... and everyone is watching... so I put my head in my hands and try to contain it.

But the emotions in me from the whole week would not be kept in.

I thought of dead puppies, I bit my lip, D1 squeezed me, Nothing could stop my hysteria.

So... we finally get up to place a flower on stacies casket and I manage to do this safely without ridiculing any nuns.

and then D1 tripped. And I started to giggle again.

but at least I made it outside. and i huddled with my family and i told them the story, nuns singing about god in a chapel.

How funny is that?

They dont always appreciate my humor.

You are going to hell they said.

No of course I am not I said.

I dont like the heat and my hair would frizz.

Heaven got a new angel this week. She sparkles like a rainbow and she loved with every bit of her soul. She brightened my life in so many ways and the lives of so many others. She suffered so greatly, no GOD would ever allow that.

and the nuns... D4 wanted to know if they get to hook up with the priests.

No of course not, priests only like little boys, not flying nuns.

Be serious really, this is a time for grieving.

or is it a time for laughs and joking.

Stacie wouldnt have wanted it any other way...