Reality Dissapointment

Hi I'm Nancy and I am a reality show addict.

Ok maybe I do not know much about the Bachelor or the Real Housewives of NYC but give me the singers and the fatties and I am all over it.

Here is the problem... I do not like to be wrong. About anything. In fact I pride myself on always being right. Once I thought I might be wrong but I was mistaken.

Sooo...I choose my picks wisely and carefully. And then I sit back and wait to see them win.

I am O for 3 so far with American Idol and Survivor to go. Yeah I know the finale of Survivor was Sunday but I havent even seen it yet and no one has ruined it shockingly.


So every Tuesday for the last 16 or so weeks I have parked my big fat ass in front of the TV with a plate of brownies in one hand and the remote in the other and admired how the fatties went week to week with absolutely no chocolate. I cried with them when they gained a pound and thought yeah that would not make me go back into the gym it would make me head for the nearest ice cream store.

Hmmm maybe that is my problem.

Well anyway... for the finale, I mean it was a special occasion I had a ben and jerrys in one hand and remote in the other.

And since Ben and Jerrys is my kryptonite... I fell asleep before the finale.

So I got up in the morning and could not believe that out of the three finalists the only one I wanted to lose, won. 48 year old Helen dammit. Ok so I have quite a few problems with Helen winning. First and foremost she is a selfish mom. How could she send her daughter home and keep Bob and Jillian to herself. I mean really. That is not what moms do. They give up the last bite of cake, they take the crappy hamburgers and they let their daughter lose weight when there is an opportunity. they do not steal that away and leave their daughter fat.

And that seriously cuts into my excuses that people that age can never lose that weight because of hormones, responsibilities, and just because...

WOW... I am in McDonalds and this is a classic line...

Mother of three overweight children says to them... Wait you dont have enough sugar in your tea, go get some more. And the round tumbly kids race over to the sugar packets and load them up into their tea. They are drinking tea apparently because they are coughing and apparently have the swine flu. Remind me to wear a mask here tomorrow.

Ok back to Helen... After that many pounds have made a home on your body it doesnt want to leave. It has made friends with the other parts of your body and no matter how many times you drop it off 50 miles from your home, it finds its way back.

I am pissed she won and while she was celebrating jumping up and down with her jiggly fat almost knocking out Ali, her fat daughter is standing their like yeah mom. You did it. HELLLLLOOOOO.... that was so mean and I hate Helen for it and I am mad that Mike the adorable college student or Tara, the kickass girl from Long Island who never went below the yellow line didnt win.

Strike 1 for me.

Then the Amazing Race... So they are down to three teams. the mother with the deaf son, the Asian sister and brother and the two very unlikable cheerleaders. I wasnt as dissapointed because I wanted the Cheerleaders to lose. And they came in second. But I wanted the Mom and Son to win because they fought such a good race when they faced so many obstacles. You can tell what a good mom she was to him, like for example if he gained 400 lbs I am sure she would let him stay on the biggest loser and not keep it all for herself. HELEN. So they raced and raced and in the end he helped the team that ultimately beat them, because he is a nice boy. And she raised him nicely.

I think it was clearly a huge advantage that they went to China. If they had gone to a land where all the people were deaf the Mom and son would have won. And if they went to a land of people with lobatomies the cheerleaders could have won but probably not even.

I mean come on, they are in China trying to get a plane ticket and the sister and brother ask the ticket agent in Chinese to seat the other teams in the back of the plane. Or when they took orders for food in chinese or had to write chinese letters. It was clearly in their favor there.

Strike 2

Hells Kitchen. Yes I am aware that I am probably the only person in the world that watches it. And again I am not totally unhappy although I think Paula was totally sabatoged by Lacey that lazy pig. I liked Danny enough but I fear that long greasy blonde hair would end up in my food.

So Danny wins the big job in Bogata restaurant and Paula has to go home with her receding hairline and bad mole on her face. Sorry Paula, it was time for a white man to win. Dont you watch the show? It rotates. White man, white woman, black man, white woman, it wasnt time ... try next season.

So I havent watched Survivor yet but I want to go on the record and say that I want Taj to win. Ok maybe she doesnt need the money but she has played a kickass game and lets face it we cannot let the redneck JT win. It just wouldnt look good for someone that dumb to beat out all these smarter people.

Here is the problem with all this... These shows are starting to get seriously boring. Enough of eating bugs, enough of trying to remember all the events of the race, enough watching 2 tonners puking their guts up.

It is getting old. Even American Idol was so boring last night.

I mean of course anytime I can see Adam on stage in tight pants and all that guyliner and black nail polish is a good night for me but... its just the same.

I have heard rumors that he might be gay but I refuse to believe it. He is so hot and so sexy that cant all be wasted. it would be such a shame if that was all wasted on other boys.

I guess he would be the first gay american idol. (hahaha) oh i crack myself up. ummm taylor hicks anyone....

but really I am adding him to my list of ...if he showed up at my doorstep and asked me to leave with him i would...

that list is getting kind of long... i hope hubby doesnt mind... i mean brad pitt, kid rock, adam lambert, the guy i saw at the bus stop yesterday with the tattooed face and the piercings....its just a fact. Every girl needs a list of people that she would leave her family for.

just dont make it the guy who always hits on you from Walmart or anything... keep it real... you know mostly unlikely but possible...a fantasy...

Me and Adam Lambert shopping at Hot Topic for clothes and makeup, skipping off into the moonlight with our glitter purple eyeshadow... I probably have more of a chance if he doesnt win Idol.

But then I would be wrong again.

And I dont like that.

Good thing it doesnt happen too often.

I should probably stop predicting reality shows and stick to the weather.

My boobs tell me their is a good chance it is raining right now.

Pride...In the name of Love

There are moments in a parents life when the pride they feel for their child is so big, it feels like your heart might burst. There is no other feeling like this. I remember feeling so proud of my kids at one point and not really being able to name the feeling. Then I realized...

Pride.

Being a parent is hard. If it isnt hard you arent doing it right. It takes hours and days and months and years of selfless effort that is largely unrewarded.

Children are inherent takers. It is their job to learn about life and they do this by testing the waters on all accounts.

They push you and test your patience and you start to crack but you hold on because there are moments, moments that make it all worthwhile.

Pride.

You build a family in hopes that some day you can sit back and enjoy the people you have helped create. You create an environment where children can grow into successful adults. You try to minimize the hurt they have to deal with along the way and sometimes you succeed.

Sometimes you dont.

The pains of exeriences are yours alone. No one can take away what life is going to throw at you.

It is the people you surround yourself with that allow you to grow into the person you do want to be. Your family will always be there but your friends are just as important.

They come into your life at certain times for certain reasons and they are part of the learning process.

Watching yesterday after graduation as these beautiful smart incredibly talented (shall I go on) group of girls tearfully said goodbye to each other was hard.

Being a parent always is.

I wished we could bring the life they have built in Boston home with us so it didnt have to end. I wish I could assure them that friendships are indefinite and they would still see each other all the the time.

That would be the easy thing to do.

Instead we comforted D1 as we left behind a world that she has been a part of for the last 4 years. A world that she didnt always love but has learned to be a part of just the same.

She grew when she was gone. She experienced things only being away from home can teach you. She made bonds with people that she loved.

And yesterday as I watched her say goodbye, it broke my heart, but at the same time that feeling again.

Pride.

She made it through 4 years of college, through family tragedies no child should ever deal with. She made it through countless illnesses and moments of time when she thought all she wanted to do was come home.

She built friendships with people so different from herself and learned about life somtimes through things that I wished she never had to go through.

I am proud in a way that makes my heart feel like it will explode. I sat and listened to speeches that talked about change and diversity and the "Wii" generation (pun intended) and I thought about all the moments that led up to this event.

Nothing any speaker could say could ever fully encapsulate what has brought each of these kids to this day.

And no amount of words could ever detail the feeling of pride, the feeling of respect and love you feel for your child as they now head out into an uncertain world.

Pride. A feeling like no other. It balloons in you as you look over the work you have put in to see the product that developed.

I am so proud of not what D1 has done but the person she became in the process. She held true to herself and she made her own path.

And now she will take that and go on to the next phase of her life.

And someday she may know how we feel today.

But pride is something that I think may be exclusive to adults. Children can be proud of themselves and they should be.

But the feeling you get as your child moves through a difficult stage or goes on to the next part of their life and the feelings you get when you see how much they have done, despite adversity....

Pride.... in the name of love.

My heart swells with it today.

Mothers Day Tips

Here are 10 ways to make your mother/wife have a happy mothers day.

1. Get up before she does so she isnt awakened at 7am to let the dog out who right now is her favorite daughter in the house.

2. Do not fight with your sisters. It is annoying the other 364 days a year and maybe just maybe you could stop yourself for one day.

3. Anticipate her every whim, dont allow her to want for anything.

4. Do not fall asleep on the couch any time for any reason at any point over the course of the day.

5. Make your mom/wife feel like you really care and really appreciate her. This could be simply by cleaning or doing something you wouldnt ordinarily do.

6. Rub her feet, scratch her back, kiss her butt.

7. Call her and wish her a happy mothers day unless you are in a foreign country.

8. Think about all the things she does on a regular Sunday and do them for her without her having to ask for them, get coldcuts, finish the laundry so we have clothes for the week, make sure whatever she wants is available for dinner.

9. Dont wait to be told to do any of these things because once it had to be said in a blog it really is too late.

10. Mothers Day is the one day a year that mothers are supposed to have the day off. Oh wait that is only in the land of That would never happen land because no one in the world is capable of doing a mothers job or even coming close to it.

Its an overrated day. But really so is life isnt it? Yeah you can say I am being ungrateful and cynical and I probably am but its mothers day and I can do whatever I want. Tomorrow I will go back to being my bright and shiny self.. making all the world a better place. Just call me Mrs. Freakin Sunshine.

A Classic Story of a nose ring, a one armed man and a whole lot of Dos Equis

There are stories that I love to tell and this is one of them.

I cant believe it has taken me almost a year and over 100 posts to write it.

This story is 100% true on all counts and dont even THINK of suggesting that the excessive amount of Dos Equis and Jose Cuervo in any way enhanced it.

Ask Hubby. He witnessed it all and will guest blog about it if need be. With the missing two fingers he types oober slowly though so it may take awhile.

So with the possibility of being called a giant Pinocchio here goes....

Once a lifetime ago... when I was 30... and had four little children at home... ages 10, 9, 4 and 2 1/2... hubby had a huge surprise party for me and gave me a trip to Cancun. It was a great surprise and I looked forward to some free time alone with the love of my life.

So off we go to the magical land of clear blue water and bottomless pina coladas for our first trip away from our children.

I am keeping this story about our adventure and not the rest of the trip but there were moments that I missed the kids so much I cried to go home.

Yeah we were gone for 4 days.

In any case... one night we head off to Senor Frogs. We were told when you go to Cancun you have to go to Senor Frogs or Carlos and Charlies. We get all dressed one night and yes I was 30 lbs thinner than I am now and looked like I was 25. Its the teenagers, they have aged me.

So we are looking super cool and head off to the party capital of Cancun. The place is packed and so we kind of sneak in pretending we are eating dinner there and then we sneak over to the night club part.

Here is the thing about going out to a place like this in Cancun. Everyone is on vacation and everyone has been partying since they opened their eyes.

And there is a water slide and there are girls in bikinis and its all good.

So we are drinking beer and tequila, my favorite combination, back when I could keep my eyes open past 9:30pm. there is a band playing and the guy from Kool and the Gang who was recently on American Idol was headlining...wooo....what excitement.

In any case... we are having a great time,just drinking and dancing and people are starting to dance on tables and as the night goes on people are starting to fall off tables...wow that is gonna hurt in the morning...

So Hubby has to go let out some of the Dos Equis and Tequila and he leaves me in Cancun to go to the little boys room.

He is gone no sooner than one second, or maybe I just looked around more after he left me, that I notice a one armed man and a cocktail waitress right next to me. She is bringing him drinks and he is kind of hitting on her and I am way too drunk and so I am staring...

All of a sudden confetti starts falling from the sky and it is landing in everyones drinks and it is getting in everyones faces... it was annoying... so the cocktail waitress goes to wipe the confetti away from her face and she knocks out her diamond nose ring.

This is absolutely real.

So she is freaking out, oh no my nose ring, it was a diamond, i have to find it, and so the one armed man and I start helping her look on the floor for it... in a dirty Cancun bar that is filled with sawdust and confetti and sand and... lets not think too hard about what else was down there...

so we are on our hands and knees in the bar, shockingly all that tequila and beer made me comfortable crawling around on a bar room floor with a one armed man and a mexican cocktail waitress.

So we cant find it and she is really upset and I say dont worry you can put a new one in when you get home and she says,,, no i just got it pierced and it cant be out of that long.

Well lucky for her although it was 1997 I was still living in 1985 and I had 7 earrings in my ears about 4 of them being FAKE diamond studs.

So I take one out and say here have this. She says oh no I couldnt and I say no really go ahead. And she says Ok can you help me put it back in... and I say of course because thats what you do in those situations...


and that is why when hubby came out of the bathroom I was standing in a bar full of drunk people...with my fingers up the nose of a mexican cocktail waitress while the one armed man stood by.. you know in case I needed help...and music was blaring and people were falling off tables and confetti was falling from the sky... and it was time to go.

Unfortunately you cannot put two very drunk idiots from Long Island in Mexico and let them loose. We got on a bus going in the wrong direction and well after we were in the neighborhood where the workers live... the bus driver said.. Que Pasa...where are you going? Lucky for me I was fluent in 7th grade Spanish and said... oh my god we are lost we need to go back to ...hotel i cant remember name of... please rape us and kill us and dump our bodies in the ocean and no one will have any idea what happened to us.

So he said... get off the bus here and wait for the bus going in the other direction.

And we did and we were too drunk to notice that people with switchblades and giant lions and tigers were at the bus stop trying to kill us... ok wait.... this part may have been part of my hallucination....

and we got on the bus going back to the hotel and lets just say there was an incident there too but I wont go into it for fear of embarassing my kids...

Anyway... it was proably the most fun night I have ever had.

And I am missing a small diamondique stud to prove it.

I'm BACK

Dear Frenzied Fans,
I have returned for a short spurt of power blogging. I officially finished all my classes, handed in all final work yesterday and now have even registered for summer, which will start in exactly two and a half weeks. That is all you have me for and then you will only see me on twitter as I frantically wonder why I continue to overwhelm myself with way too much to do and never enough time to do it.

anyhoodle...

I wanted to start blogging sooner but I somehow started on an Amazon quest to look for something for D3's boyfriend for graduation and then I remembered I had a cousin who needed a graduation gift and then.. well you know it all went to hell.

So Here is my long awaited blog....


Boys are like Dogs...

Before you start making cracks like no... dogs are way cuter than boys... just hear me out. I have a lot to say on this subject. (Dont I always)

First off boys are like dogs because they have to be trained. From the time they are puppies. If you cannot get to your puppy before they are trained by someone else you might be in trouble. Old dogs cannot learn new tricks contrary to popular belief and once a dog is peeing on your carpet... well its hard to retrain without a lot of failures and heartaches. You can cage them but as soon as they are free... peeing everywhere.

Now this implies you need to meet your boy/dog when they are young...kind of... My friend and I at work have decided that everyone we know who is in a happy (and i used that word loosely when you have been married for 25 years)committed marriage has been together since high school.

dont panic college girls. Your puppies just spent the last 4 years drunk and stupid so they still can be molded into the perfect boy. It just takes a little extra work and you need to look out for the good base.

For instance... a golden retriever... good base... trainable even after they are ruined by their mother/other girlfriend/themself. Chiahuaha... no not so much... so look for the golden retrievers ladies.... they are sweet on the inside down to the core and they feel really bad when they poop on the carpet and dissapoint you.

My dog... (and i mean my real dog, not my husband) would look at you and say... screw you I couldnt hold it in. I tried. But I failed. Get over it.

You do not want a man like a chiahuaha... and that usually comes with the short mans attitude and an inferiority complex. You know cops, firemen, men who are a little short in the you know what department so they need to make it up by carrying a big gun or firehose.

Ok so to train your boy/dog you need to follow a few simple rules. What I like to do is praise them like its their idea when you have clearly told them what to do..

For instance... you put a treat just out of their reach and you say... stay... stay... this is just so they know you are in charge.... and then you say ok go get your treat... and then you make it seem like it was their idea... good boy... good boy... what a good job you did staying....you were so good at that... wow you are amazing... lalalalala .... you get the idea right?

You need to state over and over again (because boys and men and puppies never listen)
exactly what you want. I wish I could tell you that after all these years they eventually can think on their own but lets be serious... you have to keep updating your training and lets face it why do dogs still need to be on a leash after you have had them for 10 years. Exactly... because boys are like dogs and they still dont listen when there is something they want to run after... be it another dog... another girl... beer... whatever... just keep your dog/boy on a really short leash.

So dont think that after all those years together they will know that you need ice cream when you call and say... wow my day sucked. You say... please bring me home Ben and Jerrys NY Superfudge Chunk and then when they get home you praise them like it was their idea... Wow what a good boy you are you remembered how much I love ice cream when I am sad.

Sometimes I like to do a little test and say... ok go to 7-11 and bring me home my favorite candy bar. It usually causes complete panic but it gives you a little insight into where you are in your training schedule.

They get some points but not all if they contact your kids and say holy crap what is mommys favorite candy bar. If they come home with 5 candy bars and you have eaten every one of them at one point in your life, that gets some points too. I mean we are dealing with boys here. Dont expect too much. If they come home with a snickers when you are deathly allergic to peanuts, you have a bigger problem on your hands and I would say trade that boy into the shelter and take your chances with a dog from the pound because really you couldnt do any worse.

Just remember these tips... dogs will do anything for meat... and so will boys.... dont be fooled by that... you need to make sure that they will do anything even when they are not getting the meat at the end and you can accmplish this by offering and then repealing the invitation. See if your dog growls, barks or bites, because if they do... get rid of it... there are no cures for growlers, barkers or biters. They cannot be retrained and other than finding some homeless dog for them to be with they should really be put to sleep. There is no place on the Earth for biting dogs.

Boys and dogs like to mark their territory. For dogs we know they pee on everything but basically this is what boys are doing also when they put a hickey on your neck, buy you a sweatshirt that says I love my boyfriend or ask you to where their varsity jacket or high school ring (ok i am going back to the 50's here but you know what i mean)

Now its facebook. They pee on you by leaving messages on your facebook that clearly says.. "stay away from my girlfriend" or "so and so is in a relationship with..." yeah... you are marked. Its ok if you are in it for the long haul but if you are still pounding the pavement for that perfect puppy... dont let them mark you.

Dogs like to hang around in packs. Do not allow this. Divide and conquer. Boys and dogs in large packs can be dangerous. Suddenly they think farting and burping is cool when they are all together. it is like all your training goes down the tubes. You need to be constantly monitoring their behavior when they are in large groups. Especially when they are off the leash like at baseball games or bachelor parties. This could require an intense training session that might even require a swat on the nose. Keep a close eye out for this and if it starts to go bad get them back on the leash.

There are times when you are going to be tempted to let them out on their own. I mean you are tired and sick of the constant training. This is okay but dont make this a habit. You will see just how fast all this untraining will take place. Before you can say "Fetch" they will start having thoughts of their own. They might even think they can train you. This is the time to use the electric collar if need be. That would be cause for drastic measures. You cannot, I repeat cannot have them thinking that they can in any way train you.

Dogs need attention and some dogs are good about asking nicely, sitting quietly next to you until you pay attention to them. Others are in your face jumping up and down pet me pet me. This is your own personal decision. What kind of a boy do you want... the one who can sit and wait or the one pursuing you? Either way just make sure you have your leash in one hand and you box of training treats in the other.

Dogs are usually very loyal but if you encounter a dog who want to leave and hang out with another family.. just let them go. Stray dogs usually get hit by cars... so that is your revenge and you can start over fresh with an untainted puppy. It is probably better that way anyway.

I am sorry if any dogs were insulted by being compared to boys. No dogs were harmed in the making of this blog. Boys on the other hand....SIT!





Can you spot the good dog?


Yes this is a trick question...

he is the one behind the camera taking a picture of me in the Dominican Republic...

after he took this picture he hugged me real tight and said you are beautiful and amazing in respnse to the fact that we had been traveling for hours and had to switch to a different airport and take a two hour crazy ride to our resort. I am kinda easy going like that and he loves me for it.

Good boy!

Just one more day

I know you all have been waiting patiently... ok maybe not so patiently. I have been just receiving thousands of emails begging me to write my next blog. and i will... over the weekend ok. just wait until the weekend. really you have to stop with the phone calls and the texting and all that. i will be back to blogging soon. only until may 19th when i start my super powered summer session 12 credits in 8 weeks baby. you know it. so i will blog away until then but i am watching private practice now and it is so sick and i have to give it my full attention.

ok gotta go now.

oink oink

A song for someone special

I heard this song today in the car and it reminded me of someone special. It made me think of you M.O.N. I have read your blog and stalked you a little on facebook and i hope you are ok. Please call me if you need me. You can call collect. Or email me. Thinking about you.



Fast Car lyrics

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I both can get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got fast car
And I got a job that pays our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Stay happy, stay healthy and keep in touch when you can.