If you give a moose a high powered assault rifle

Here is my take on a classic children's story...If you give a Moose a Muffin...


If you give a Moose a High Powered Assault Rifle

She is going to want some bullets to go in it

But when you get her the bullets she'll ask for a helicopter to fly around in

You'll get her the helicopter and She'll say

"Come on, Lets go play a game"

So you'll get in the helicopter and you'll be flying around when she says

Show me the Wild things

And you'll point out the raccoons and the fox and the squirrels

And she'll say No Silly I want to find the Wild things like the gays and the Muslims and the African Americans, and my sisters ex husband

who have no morals

And you'll point out Ellen DeGeneres and Lindsay Lohan and before you can say Tom Cruise she will have shot them in the back along with the Muslims at the mosque in Selden and all the people who work at planned parenthood

She will land the plane and ask you for her hunting knife

when you give it to her she will cut the heads off the people she shot

and eat their guts raw

Do you have any hooks, she'll ask

for what you say

To hang these in my house in Wasilla Alaska

We like to hang wild things on our walls

You will get her the hooks

And then she'll say

My clothes are all bloody

Can you get me some new ones from Neiman Marcus

Only if you come with me you say

I dont know she says

Do the Jews own that?

When you get her the clothes

She will think she can be vice president

She will put on Tina Fey glasses and a funny hair do

Can I talk about politics she'll say

Sure you say

But when she starts talking about politics you will realize that she is just some hillbilly from Alaska, who says words like Maverick and Change over and over while wearing pig lipstick and smirking like a pregnant teenager with a secret

Then she'll want to go on TV and pretend she knows what she is talking about

And then other hillbillies in the country will listen to her talk about her rifle and her protecting us from Wild things and

She might get to be vice president

When she does she will move her family to Washington

and she will ask

Do you have a place for our dogsled and our gun collection and our pregnant daughter and her dirt bag boyfriend?

Um I am not sure you say

so you find her a house in DC

But she doesnt like it because you cant use your helicopter to shoot poor defenseless polar bears and wolves and there are people there who are "different"

can you get me a bullhorn she asks

and when you get her the bullhorn she will walk through the streets of Washington DC screaming, Jesus hates you if you are gay and want to get married, Jesus wants you to abstain from sex, Jesus doesnt love you if you use birth control, He loves you more if you give birth to damaged kids because you are too old to have children.. He loves you more if you hate people who are different and He loves you only if you are a white god fearing christian


And she will wink and laugh and you will say

Are you serious

And she will say

You betcha, my little maverick

And you will try to get away

but she will say Take me to the White House

And when you do

She'll see John McCain lurking and stumbling around incoherently in the White House hallways

And she will think about becoming president

She'll ask you for her bullets and when you get it for her

Chances are

She'll want her High Powered Assault Rifle to go with them.

Nancy's Rules of the World...just like I promised

yeah yeah yeah I have about 2 hours before I need to bring D#3 to violin and I was going to start my homework but I wouldnt really have enough time and I promised I would write down my rules, people might be home on the edge of their seat waiting, and today sucked because we ran out of oil last night (D#1 and D#2 at least you safely left the island before we ran out of hot water)and so I couldnt shower this morning and I just ate a ridiculous amount of tostitos and cheese dip and stacy chips and spinach dip for no reason when I am supposed to be dieting and I told D#3 and D#4 that they couldnt use my lap top because I had homework...take a breath...blah blah blah... I am blogging!

Here are my simple rules for the World (not the Universe because things apparently are just getting more random there)

1. Based on my prior blog, we have determined that science and religion are not so far apart and you shouldnt believe in either one.

"Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

Heres why...atoms, molecules,cells, cant see 'em, cant be real. God,Jesus,heaven,hell cant see 'em, cant be real. Scientists believe they are real because they cant prove differently, Priests molest little boys. Ok...simple rule...if you have to see it to believe it you are now called a Nancyist.

2. We should wear crowns all the time. Because that is what princesses do. I am not a feminist and I tend to be a tad bit old fashioned especially when it comes to relationships and the roles of men and women, who pays for the date and such. I have a prince. I dont let him wear a crown, Just me. He opens doors for me, lays his coat over big puddles so I dont get my imitation uggs wet and he scares off big dragons in the night. I know this is not "in" but really what are we fighting for ladies. We can have the great equal opportunities of men without giving up the pleasure of being treated like a princess, dragon slaying and all.

3. We should let people love and marry who they want. Love is universal. Animals, plants, (maybe not plants but I once saw a spider plant cry)...but we love, we feel, we dream of what our lives will be like and we want to share that with someone special. It is hard to find your true love in this big crazy world. Half of all marriages end in divorce. You fall in love with a person who is special to you, who treats you well, who makes you a better you. Male, female, it doesnt really matter.

4. We should all be in charge of our own bodies. Men do not have to carry babies and have never carried babies and should never be allowed to even comment on anything to do with babies unless they are going to be a daddy and want to mention a name they might like. Of course that doesnt mean anything but we can pretend that they can have a small part. Medically, emotionally, any reason I decide I cannot carry a baby to full term, so be it. It is my choice because until that baby can live on its own it may as well be classified as a virus. See I learned in Microbiology that viruses can only live attached to a host. I might not be such a slacker after all. But seriously folks, once they start forbidding this stuff, they will forbid birth control, getting your tubes tied, vasectomies, and anything else assosciated with preventing pregnancy.

5.People who make more money should pay more taxes. Let me explain why. Lets say you make 100,000 dollars a year. And you pay 30% in taxes so you bring home 70,000 dollars. In New York that is not enough to live on. You can barely pay your mortgage and you certaintly cant pay for oil and gas. So you struggle. Lets say you make 500,000 dollars a year and you pay 30% in taxes. You bring home 350,000 dollars per year. You can pay to live in a pretty nice place and you can eat and pay for your car and not run out of oil. Lets say you pay 50,000 dollars more. you still pay your mortgage, you still eat, you still do all the things you did before, maybe you skip one vacation a year. If the taxes get raised on the middle class, they cant send their kids to college without taking out huge loans(sorry girls). when you make 300,000 dollars a year you can. You see my point? of course you do.

6.The law should just make sense to everyone. You should not need a lawyer to sue someone who stole your store. You sell your store, you sign a contract, you shake hands, you agree that you are giving fat bastard the store and he is giving you the money for it. At some point he decides he doesnt want to pay. So you hire a lawyer and he never does and the judge says ok bring one next time. 1000 dollars to my lawyer. Return again, he has no lawyer, Mr. Fat Bastard you were told to bring a lawyer, why should I? Explanation by the judge again and another postponement. On and on for 3000 dollars worth of law bills. Now 15000 dollars later, still in court, he is fighting me with no reason and even if I do win my lawyer says I may never get the money. Why? Why does the law protect the criminals? Recently a close friend of my sister in laws, lost her husband when he was working a second job at a bar. A very drunk, drugged man was standing, dancing on a table and this guy, as the bouncer told him to get down. The guy on the table jumped off the table and in front of many witnessed strangled the bouncer to death. Even after he was unconscious the drunk still held on and he was brain dead in less than 4 minutes. There is a trial. The golf course where the killer worked is paying over 600,000 dollars for his defense. She has to go to court and listen to people say bad things about her husband that are untrue and possibly watch her husbands killer go free. I know that if i was ever in a situation where someone hurt my child, i would go all Samuel jackson, A time to kill on them. Hide in the closet of the court house with my shot gun and kaboom one shot to the head. In any case, the law should be simple and make sense. Do you know we had to go to court to make a date, to make another date for the trial? No kidding. Its a law raping thats it.

7. Kid Rock should be worshipped by all.

8. Candy corn should not just be for halloween and they should absolutely not take away mallomars for the summer. They leave out candy bars dont they and other chocolately goodness, why the mallomars, why oh why do they have to go? Candy should have no calories and spinach should make you fat.

9.People should raise their children like I have raised mine. This is a little too much information to have to go into right now but basically, kids should have responsibilities so they dont dye their husbands navy uniforms pink when they wash them with red socks. They should know that cinnamon does not go on steak and that when the check engine light goes on it is not just a suggestion. They should know how to be responsible for money and not think "how could I not have any money left, I still have checks" They should want knowledge not grades. I totally believe that it is what you learn that makes school important not what you got wrong because who cares who invented the first immunizations. You should value your kids opinion, unless they want to vote for Sarah palin, then you need to lock them up in a room until the election is over. There is no rule that says kids have to hate you, it just works out that way sometimes. If you cant follow these rules about children go bring them to Nebraska, they will be better off without you.

10.Dont lie, cheat or steal. I know it would be too naive to think that things were better in the past, I am sure there was lying and cheating and stealing but when did it become just about us and not about our village. I do not like Hillary but she did have a point, It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to recognize that we arent on this earth to get what we can for ourselves. We are here to learn and share and grow. Why cant we just be honest with ourselves and others? It would make the world less scary. Ok, I dont understand your religion or your culture Osama Bin Laden but I respect your right to believe it until the time you killed people in the name of your god. Respect my right to be a Nancy and I will respect your right until you piss me off and hurt mine, then I will elect a president who is gonna get you and stop you. Lets just spend a little more time getting to know about others and what they believe and not just decide that you are a drunk because you are Irish, or in the mob because you are italian or cheap because you are a jew. Learn from everyone. every person has something to share, even the ignorant. You know what I say... sometimes all its worth is the story you can tell about it later but sometimes that is enough.

Please feel free to add your rules for the world below. I would add more but really I cant blog all day now can I?

Peace to you and yours, Always.

Gravity... if I cant see it, its not real.

Ok... so Monday night was my Microbiology test. After that we were supposed to be discussing CELLS. da da da dun

Let me give you a little background on this college again. I am not sure I described it exactly. The college is Empire State College and it is a SUNY school for adults. There are some kids who go there too but mostly for people who pretended to go to college when they were young and drove to the mall everyday instead.(Actually that wasnt my fault, Stony Brook was minutes away from the Smithhaven Mall and my car would get stuck going forward and just never make the turn to get to school)

The college has this unique program where you can write papers on your life events and get college credit for them. I thought this would be an easy scam to get credits but it isnt. You have to demonstrate college level learning in the form of a very long paper and then they are evaluated by professionals in that field and you can get between 1 and 4 credits per paper.

Soooo... my first paper was on Traumatic Brain Injuries because of how I took care of my brother in law after he was injured in a snowboarding accident. See blog The Biggest Little city in the World, Part 2 Mickey Mouse Sucks, Comas and Brain Injuries and Pregnant sisters oh my and the long and winding road for more information on this topic. (Yeah I got a little stuck on that subject, sorry)

The paper was 17 pages long. I know you are thinking to yourself, no way, Nancy is such a brief writer, how could she have come up with 17 pages. I actually had to stop the paper because it was so upsetting to relive and also it was finally due and I had to stop somewhere. I learned so much from that experience. I have to say that is what led me to realize that owning a girls sporting goods store was not for me and my life really had to include some sort of public service in a medical field. (Hence, Genetic Counseling, hence, Microbiology, hence why the hell am I blogging when i only got a 76 on my test) (woops, I gave away the surprise ending to the story)

Well, whatever...my second paper was on Owning and Operating your own business. It took me 6 months to write my business plan, I did all the research myself and spend countless hours finding information USING DIAL UP I might add. I included the business plan in my paper so that one was about 35 pages long. Shocked you are I know...

The third paper was on Volunteering as a Girl Scout Leader. I was a girl scout leader for all 4 of my girls but for Daughter #2 the longest. We went camping endless times and I have some great stories which I am saving for another time...

Ooh that just reminded me... this blog was supposed to be Nancys Rules for the World...ok maybe when I get home from work.

Back to Reality(oops there goes gravity)(that was for you D#2)In any case after the papers are done they are sent to this committee and you have to wait to see how many credits you get for them. I finished all these papers in June and I am still waiting. Probably because my original mentor, fell asleep during one of our meetings and just generally slacked off on my "mentoring".

No joke, he was reading my business paper and I looked at him and he was sleeping and I didnt know what to do so I shifted in my chair and kicked the desk and he startled awake, but fell right to sleep again. After sitting there thinking,is he dead, should I call 911, should I write on his forehead with Sharpie "sleeping mentor" which I lovingly call him now, no, not to his face...I finally said, ok I gotta go and he startled awake and said oh I think I zoned out for awhile. Umm yeah...now newly being crowned in the Mrs Alaska pageant, Mrs. confidence,(i did beat sarah palin out for that) I knew my paper was great so I didnt think it was me that bored him to sleep...he was like... i think its my new blood pressure medicine...yeah that happens to me too I said, so he wouldnt feel bad and I left.

Why is it that I always feel the need to make people who are clearly messing up feel better about themselves? Its not everyone really, just seriously old people and people who are so pathetic, watching them squirm is just painful. (not sarah palin though i would love to watch her suffer)

Now I think everytime he sees me its like "you know my little secret" and he avoids me. I have since changed mentors but I cant help wondering about the damage he did before I switched to my Bio professor as my mentor.

Long and Boring I know, let me get to the point Finally!

You register for classes and each class has a professor, You meet individually with your professor, they give you work, you go home and blog and then you return to be personally humiliated when you meet with your professor privately and have no idea what they are talking about.

Ok its not supposed to go exactly like that...

And I really should put a disclaimer here...I tend to exaggerate. No really, I do. So even though I constantly talk about procrastinating and never doing my work and being publicly humiliated, I could possibly be exaggerating a little. Like for instance it is possible that I have never gotten below an A in my classes. Just maybe.

The idea is a one on one meeting with your professor and you work at your own pace within a framework of the semester and then you get an evaluation with a grade at the end of the semester.

Now in the past I have taken about 5 counseling related classes. I read the book, I write my fabulous papers, I go in, discuss it with the professor,they tell me that I am brilliant, (which I kinda knew) and then I get more work, and go. No humiliation, no looks of horror. just general praise and yes i love that.

Enter Biology...I forgot to mention that you create your own major at this college and then you work with your mentor, not when he is sleeping, to create a group of classes that fits your major along with the core classes SUNY schools require. You know your basic english, math ,history blah blah blah...I made my schedule to be half biology and half counseling based on other programs and the requirements to get into a genetic counseling program.

The first biology class I took was Anatomy and Physiology and I was really scared, but then I realized that I have so many of the diseases and problems that we discussed I felt like I was cheating. When I had the test on the endocrine system I was like, I feel like I am cheating because I know all about the thyroid, pancreas, kidneys, liver because I have had issues with them all... and when I took the test on nerves and muscles I knew all about that because of my neck surgery last year. So I rocked that class like no other. I got an 84 on my first test and I was so dissapointed, that I got a 96 and a 98 on the next two.

I wont be embarassed by your applause...

Wow I have gotten so far from the original point of this blog which was...

I am taking two bio classes this semester along with two more counseling classes. All the counseling classes are read this book, write a paper, come in and discuss, done I get an A. The bio classes in the past were, watch this online lecture, take a test, sit painfully while he marks it and go home and get an A.

Cell biology... different format. Read these chapters, take notes, come in and we will discuss the material.

Did I ever mention that I dont actually believe in molecules and atoms and crap like that?

Ok so the first time we discussed cell biology, I was super humiliated. I literally had no idea what he was talking about although I read the chapter, took notes and thought ok we are done ever needing to know this.

I said words like Amphipathic and he said oh do you mean antiparallel and I didnt but I said oh yeah. Then he said what are proteins made up of and I said nucleic acids and he fell off his chair and I said no no no amino acids. But it was clear that I was a Cell Biology Dumbass. think president Bush when he is trying to pronounce the names of the foreign leaders...net..un..ya...hoodle??

this week I take my test on Microbiology and I do well on the multiple choice but the fill in the blank, no not so much. I would have gotten an 85 if he didnt have to grade the second part. I told him that I didnt study the parts of the different types of microscope because I thought it was really not that important and he said... you do know this is a class that is about things you can only see through a microscope right? Oh yeah...MICRO biology I get it. So do we call cell biology, invisible, cant see it so its not real biology, made up in some scientist who had nothing to do while all the other boys his age were dating biology??? NO... we dont. And that is why I didnt study the different microscopes or the people who invented crap because when I am telling two people that they shouldnt have children because there genes tell me that they are too ugly and stupid to reproduce... Neither of us will care that some guy named Leuwenhook or something saw the first cell in the 1600s
in cork. DO you agree or am I just being petty because I got them all wrong? And really, I only got one wrong but that doesnt make the point as well.

the purpose of this TALK we were going to have after my test was for him to convince me of the Law of thermodynamics. He said if I get nothing else in my life I should get that.

He starts explaining the law of thermodynamics which I blogged about somewhere else... it states that energy can be neither created or destroyed and that the universe is trying to become more random...

So he says... this is something you just have to accept, like gravity you believe in that right? and i say...yeah of course... and he says you know like evolution, you cant see that but you believe in that right and I am like....well and he says molecules and atoms... and I say... well I have trouble believing in abstract invisible things... and he laughs... invisible he says? as if its a question and I say can I see this and I point to a molecule of an unsaturated fat and he says oh no of course not but it exists and I like how do i know that and he says because its a well known thing like if we cant prove it wrong then we assume that it is right, we just believe that it is there because there is some evidence that it is and we havent had any evidence proving it wrong...


Sounds a little too much like religion for me...I need to create a new classification of people, if I said I was an atheist I would believe in science, if I was a GOD fearing christian with limited brain cells and warped ideas you would call me Sarah Palin but what should we call people that cannot believe in either one..

Oh this should be my first rule for Nancys Rules of the World... they can be called Nancies and they can stop using that name to mean losers and crybabies...,like you are such a nancy, or dont be a negative nancy...

No that is it from now on when you dont believe in something unless you can see it you can be called a Nancy...and we will know you by your crown... because that is rule number 2, crowns are required at all times....

Really the next blog will be about my rules for the world... read em and weep.

What is this world coming to? News you should know...

Lets play a game...

Rank these news stories according to how disturbing they are... and then of course you can hear why I think my way is right. No really, I might be a little opinionated about this stuff...

1. An 89 year old woman is being arrested for confiscating a football that rolled onto her lawn when the kids in the neighborhood were playing with it. She says they were trespassing and the ball is now hers. On the news this morning she showed the football to the camera and then locked it safely in her closet. She held her hands in front of her face and said...You better put handcuffs on me when you come to get me because I am not going quietly and you never know what I might do. She could face up to six months in prison.

2. There is an e-card that you can send when you discover that you have an STD and want to tell the multiple people in your address book that you slept with that you either got an STD from them or gave them one.




3. Sarah Palin, in an interview with a Christian News Show explained how in Alaska she has fought for legislation that would make banning Gay Marriage an amendment to the Constitution and that she would like to see the federal government follow and define marriage as between one man and one woman.


Ok... So lets rank them...On a disturbia level...3 of course has to be the most disturbing, then 2 and of course then 1.

Although I can see how arresting little old ladies for protecting their property from obnoxious little boys might upset you more than taking the rights away from two people who love each other...

Major sarcasm if you havent noticed.

Like all of you out there I watched Saturday Night Live and peed in my pants at the Amy Poehler news story. I softened my heart a little for what a good sport Sarah Palin was. And then I realized that she was probably too stupid to notice that they were making fun of her. She was probably like yeah, All the Mavericks in the house put your hands up.. shoot some moose...haha isnt this all funny.

I have to say that after the show I just felt sorry for what a stupid moron she is but my deep, unending hatred lessened a little.

Until this morning after I heard the news story when I was getting ready to bring D#3 to her performing arts school where surprisingly all the boys here are gay. I know you are thinking Musical Theater boys? Gay? No way!

yes way!!

So these amazing talented sweet (ok some of them are divas but whatever) young boys who may meet the person of their dreams, in high school, like I did, or later on in college or wherever... can never dedicate their life to another person in the eyes of the law.. and I am not even going to say before God, because we know that the Crazy Christians have already banned that.

They can never walk down the aisle, looking fab, and commit themselves to a life with the person they love...

Because Sarah Palin said so. Because she wants to take the rights AWAY from people, not liberate the world in any way.

I dont mean to diminish some of these other atrocities of the World but we one time thought slavery was ok and the gasing of millions of Jews and the violent attacks on Native Americans.

Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Asexual whatever... love for another human being should not be judged or even debated by the government.

When the founding fathers said All Men are Created Equal, they excluded women, because they werent that important, they excluded blacks, because they werent that important...I hate to tell you all out there but one of the things I learned in Microbiology, when I wasnt procrastinating, and wait...sshh I am going to whisper it...

WE ARE ALL BIOLOGICALLY THE SAME ON THE INSIDE!!!


People. That is what we are. And every person should have the right to love and be loved and make that committment in the eyes of the law. Love is a central theme. To all.

As always... I digress.

Oh come on you didnt know when you read the 3 choices that I had to go on and on about Sarah Palin, I was just waiting for the opportunity.

Disturbing Choice #2

An E-card to let someone know you just gave them Herpes? How sick and twisted is that? I actually saw a few on the news this morning and if you have to send an e-card because A. you either cant tell the person to their face or B. there are more than a few people you need to tell, well frankly you have some issues. You can send the card anonymously. So basically when you get the card you are like hmmm...could this be joe, larry, peter, who could have sent me this card?

What has happened to the world? I caved a little when you were able to send E-card thank yous and I was only slightly dissapointed to discover my children cant write in script but is there nothing forbidden on the internet? Is it a free for all where you can check your email and discover that you might have AIDS? Isnt that just a tad bit cruel?

Hey wait let me just check my email before we head out for lunch. Oh look there is an ecard from Joey.

Oh that cute guy you hooked up with last weekend at the bar?

yeah him

What does it say?

Roses are Red,Violets are Blue, I have syphilis and now you might have it too.

Seriously! I mean really! this is real folks. No exaggerating coming from this camp.I spent the morning searching for some, see above and now I am sure my computer is tagged with public health announcements for STDs.

Now lets address the little old lady who stole the football and just for the record Hubby disagress with me on this. He even called me Edna this morning.

She is sitting in her house, quietly sipping tea and watching old movies, when suddenly her peace and quiet is disturbed by little boys outside. (and when you say little boys, spit a little)

She goes outside, gets the football and refuses to give it back, because the boys,she claims were trespassing.

yeah so?...do we not have the right to protect our property from little boys(spit again)I mean they are dirty and they carry disease...yes they do...I know because I am studying to be an amateur microbiologist.

They were probably mean to the little old lady, I am sure this isnt an unprovoked attack, I mean little old ladies are usually very reasonable.

The fact is... where is the logic?

If they are going to grant civil liberties to gay couples and allow them to use each others insurance and make medical decisions...why cant they get married?

Marriage is a dedication of two people who love each other for a lifetime of love, snoring and having to share stuff.

A very wise person made it completely clear... marriage is marriage, love is love and sex is sex. What do any of them really have to do with government and laws except that we need the government to approve who we marry?? And do we need them to approve who we love and have sex with? No?

Unless they start monitoring the internet and viewing our E-Cards. Then they might forbid us to marry people who might spread disease.

So we cant protect our homes, or marry who we want, or spread disease all over the place....

The disturbing news stories are many and each day I wonder where this world is headed and how we are going to survive all this.

I have such simple steps for fixing everything... Tune in next time for Nancys Rules for the World. I am sure you will find it entertaining... I always make myself laugh...and thats all that counts right?

Horton Hears a Glycosidic Reaction

I am still studying Microbiology. I know you are thinking that I sound like a broken record.

And for you younguns' out there who do not understand the terminology of BROKEN RECORD... it means when there is a giant scratch in your record, think large cd's, and Sean Cassidy keeps singing Da Doo Run Run Run over and over...

Sean Cassidy? Oh please... you dont know who that is... David Cassidy (from the Partridge Family)...his half brother...Had a great career as a Hardy Boy?? The boy version of Nancy Drew? Ringing any bells yet?

So back to Microbiology...I finally understand the parts of the cell and I just think of it like fiction that I just have to memorize. And I am sickly addicted to the study of bacteria and disease and viruses...part of my being a doctor on tv addiction I guess. I just consider myself an amateur doctor. Not really doing it for money, just like a hobbie.

Glycosidic Reactions, I dont even know enough to make fun of it. Something about Glucose being broken down into Pyruvic Acid for energy? Where does this take place? oh in the invisible cells of Unicorns that live on the planet Princessland? right now I remember.

So Hubby and Daughter #3 were in the kitchen when my studying came to an abrupt halt when I got to the page on Glycolysis and Fermentation which is not anaerobic respiration even though it doesnt use oxygen either. You dont get it?? Yeah me either and unlike records skipping I cant explain it to you.

And Hubby tried to relate it to something real, like high school, and let me point out that he doesnt understand biology any more than a 2 year old but I see where he was going with it, so heres my version.

I tried to relate it to Horton Hears a Who...do you know the story?

Horton, a giant gentle elephant, finds a world on the head of a ball of dust and no one will believe him, not Maize the lazy bird who later in another story drives to Nebraska and leaves her egg there and Horton adopts it raises it as his own and then she comes back later to take the credit, assuming as the birth bird she can just waltz in and take it back when all the hard work of raising it through sickness and teenagerhood is over...or the Wickersham Brothers who are really just thugs looking to start a fight with the gentleness of Horton who is trying to stick up for a world that cant be seen by the naked eye...are you starting to see the connection here?

Horton tells everyone in the world on the dustball to scream real loud (not like when Pee Wee Herman said the word of the day)anyone??? if you dont get this reference you are too young to be reading my blog.

All the people of the town are supposed to scream so the non believers will hear them and not want to exterminate them just to prove Horton is a nut job who belongs in an institution with the Grinch and that dog who didnt know who his mother was, or that Cat that messed up the house when the parents were away...yeah there is a Dr. Seuss asylum where they all go after the stories are over. And its "realer" than any molecule of pyruvic acid.

yes it is...

Screaming is coming from the ball of dust but Hortons "friends" (and what kind of friends are those really) dont hear it. So Horton tells them to make sure that no one is shirking, that all the Whos in Whoville are screaming....

They run through the town and they find JoJo the Shirker in Apt 12j or something like that (its been a long time since I read that story to my kids... or myself)

and they are like JoJo, you have to scream, we cant do it without you and JoJo is like NO, Obama is winning in the polls I dont have to run out a vote, I can just sit back and hope the rest of our country gets out and does it for me


And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.
“This,” cried the Mayor, “is your towns darkest hour!
The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
To come to the aid of their country!” he said.
“We’ve GOT to make noises in greater amounts!
So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!”



(Shameless plug for voting for Obama I know, but seriously Get out and vote for him, we cant do it alone)

They convince him to scream and he when he does suddenly the meanies in the story admit that Horton isnt crazy, that there is a world on the head of a dust ball and even though we cant see it, its still there. Horton always believed in them, he just had to get them to believe in themselves and everyone contributing made it happen.

So okay, carbon molecules and mitochondria, make yourself known, the word of the day is Supercalifragilisticexpealidocius, everytime you hear it, scream real loud and when I hear you i will believe you are real too. And so will Chairy, Globy, the Genie and Cowboy Curtis.

We are here, we are here, we are here...

The State of Nebraska has an awesome new law

Funny story...

The state of Nebraska was the last state in this country to institute a safe haven law for people to drop their newborns off at a hospital or police station if they couldnt or wouldnt take care of them.

You know... pregnant teens without a vice presidential candidate mom, or 44 year old woman who arent vice presidential candidates who give birth to downs syndrome babies, or people who arent sisters of famous people that shave their head and dont wear underwear when they get out of cars...

those unfortunate kind of people can drop off their child at any hospital or police station and no questions asked, walk away...

so back to Nebraska... they refuse to pass the law, whatever the reason, they are the last state in the country and I guess they feel left out or people are leaving their babies in corn fields so they decide to pass the law, the safe haven law, the one that is supposed to allow people to drop off their newborns to be safe...

yeah well in their infinite wisdom, and honestly I dont know anyone from Nebraska, this is just coming from my own midwestern prejudice that they are all down home hillbillies, chewing grass and wearing suspenders...

In their infinite wisdom they made the law to state that any parent can bring any child to a safe haven location at any time...

And while I just made fun of the stupidity of Nebraskans I should be patting them on the back to have come up with such a unique idea...

Giving your kids back .... as teenagers.

Now I have not really gone into any teenager bashing on my blog... Mostly because I am in the in between stages, my two older girls are 20 and 21 and the two littler ones although being teenagers technically at 15 and 13 have not reached the pinnacle of bad teenage behavior like D#1 and D#2.

And I know that D#1 is saying what did I do so bad and although she didnt participate in such bad activitities as D#2 she was fresh in a way that only teenage girls can be.

But I can totally see wanting to give them away at that age...

so first some guy drops off 9 of his children, NINE... I dont know if he kept any of the good ones or just made a clean sweep but man they showed a video and that guy was skipping out of there.

Now the story is out there and all of a sudden people start driving across state lines to teenage dump their kids. Its like field of dreams,,, if you build it they will come...

No kidding, this is a real story. Some lady drove from Iowa to drop her 14 year old daughter at a safe haven in Nebraska, because some idiot in the law department forgot to make an acceptable age limit for the safe haven babies.

And then it was like all hell broke loose in middle america, people starting streaming into Nebraska to drop off their teenagers. I think all in all 27 kids were dropped off.

You know there was a rash of people doing this in the 80s and 90s with grannies. They called it granny dumping and basically they would drive their old decrepit grannies who didnt know their own names and leave them at places like the race track and the mall.

It was kind of sad,,, I mean grannies are way cuter than teenagers. Teenagers should be sold on the black market but no one would take them...Until the rocket scientists in Nebraska after holding out for all these years finally made a safe haven law,they just forgot the most important part.

That it is supposed to be for babies, Not teenagers.

I told my friend Ellen this story at work.

And then we mapquested New York to Nebraska. I think it may be worth the trip.

Entropy

I have been away from my blog for a whole week now, mostly because after last weeks humiliating moments with my biology professor, I actually spent the week studying.

That coupled with fasting and atoning for my sins...pretty much took up my whole week.

Over the last week I have had some brilliant blogging ideas in my head, but I resisted.

And now... I got squat.

Really...I think my brain sent me a message the other day that said low disk space. I just dont have any memory left.

Now some people have mentioned that this was because I turned 40. I cant believe that one day you wake up at 40 and poof your memory is gone.

I think more likely what happened was the drugs took it away and ... well... i was too drugged to notice.

In case you are unfamiliar with what I am talking about here is the quick version... yes I can tell it quick...kinda

I woke up with a pain in my neck.

I spent the next 6 months going from doctor to doctor, having them judge me and blame everything other than what was really wrong with me.

And every doctor prescribed a different kind of drug. Nerve drugs, antipsychotics, pain killers, oh lots of pain killers, sleeping pills, anti inflammatories, steroids... the list goes on and on...

And for 6 months I walked around in a stupor... that never took the pain away.

yeah thats right because there was a bone spur broken in my neck that was poking through my disc into a nerve...

Not gonna be fixed with drugs, or shots, or anything other than surgery.

Well that was information that would have been helpful... YESTERDAY!!

Its like you start to think of something and you cant remember the name of a song or a name from your past and you feel like its right on the tip of your tongue...

Well now... its like my tongue has been cut off. No tip. I have tried and tried to think of things that I have forgotten and there is just no connection... no feeling of "maybe if i think a little harder" no nothing...this is your brain on drugs...

So when my biology professor said "Are those held together with ionic or covalent bonds?" and I said "ionic" and the look on his face was of total horror... i couldnt even remember the name "covalent" so I said..."the other one"

Sadly I think this is what stupid people must feel like everday.

And here is my other problem with the whole memorizing of the biology stuff...

Contrary to popular belief, my brain functioning is set in reality...mostly...and I just dont understand certain information such as "...40,000 of these can fit on the head of a pin..."

or "... the second law of thermodynamics is that everything in the world is trying to become more random..."

"Entropy...It is a measure of the randomness of molecules in a system and is central to the second law of thermodynamics and the fundamental thermodynamic relation, which deal with physical processes and whether they occur spontaneously"

Is anyone else scratching their head and screaming... what does that mean and who the hell cares?

ok good... i thought it was just me.

so seriously... I read an entire chapter on beliefs, theorys and laws and what makes each believable to scientists...

Apparently the first and second LAW of thermodynamics is real. To someone. Because its a law and it takes a lot to earn that title. You dont just get to be a LAW, you have to earn it with years and years of science guys trying to prove you are wrong.

But the Big Bang Theory...see the word theory in there, that implies that there is still some questioning going on even among the guys with 4 inch glasses, nose hair and pocket protectors. If they cant even be sure, come on, how can we?

So maybe I dont really believe in molecules and atoms and black holes... maybe although I have spent my whole life shunning religion and peoples BELIEFS, which apparently are way below THEORIES and LAWS in the big bad science world, maybe just maybe I find it more believable that there is a spirit that lives in the sky and judges our every move that created all this.

The trees, the water, the sky, the people, the animals and of course mallomars.

My father is an atheist scientist, which I guess goes hand in hand and he made fun of Noahs Ark recently, thinking it was ridiculous that some ancient bearded guy in the desert could build an enormous boat and convince two of every animal to get on board when a flood was coming.

Yet he believes that in the span of 13.7 billion years, when there was absolute nothingness, at the perfect moment, all things came together and exploded and poof there was a universe...then to keep this absurd thought going further he believes that all the elements that we need for today, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen(yeah that one is pretty important)hydrogen and all the other ones I couldnt possibly remember from the periodic table...were made and mixed together in some kind of wierd soup that created life forms and first there was a cell, then an alligator, then monkeys and then us.

Ok so maybe it took a little more time than that, but basically that is the premise of all life.

And in order to believe that theory, you must also believe in exponents and logarithms and things to the negative power.

Like these parts of the cell I have been reading about. They are measured in nanometers, like 10 to the -7 power.

Yeah and people have trouble believing in Unicorns? Yet they believe that invisible microparticles can transport proteins through our bodies that make us have blue or brown eyes, or make us tall or short?

Not a very believable THEORY, I must say.

So I have been rethinking my plan to become a genetic counselor because apparently although these scientific ideas are just theories, most of these loser geeks in the science world think its REAL.

I think I almost believe more that a giant bunny comes and hides eggs in my house and leaves me candy on Easter...or that Mary was actually a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus...Or that a jolly old fat man with elves knows how much I needed Mrs. Beasley and the easy bake oven and snuck into my house, ate my cookies and left them for me under a giant tree.

Yeah that or dinosaurs? ice ages? wooly mammoths?

Not very convincing.

My brain just doesnt understand abstract... chemistry, geometry, picasso, exercising

I only understand what I can see... or invent in my head...reality...like the tv shows, you know? Real stuff...being stranded in a remote place with beautiful people in dirty underwear trying not to get voted off, or competing with other fatties to burn more weight yet also stay on long enough to win the million dollars...trying to become the BFF to Paris Hilton.

All real, believable and not invisible made up stuff...like the endoplasmic reticulum and ribsomes and DNA,

I mean really its not like reality tv is any way tainted, like the News or Professional sports,

...that may as well be as real as the protons, neutrons, quarks...yeah them and the tooth fairy...