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Saturday, March 7, 2009

Welcome to my world where everyones a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies

22 years ago....I had already been in labor for 31 hours, with my parents and my mother in law by my side as my hubby tried to get home from California. He was stationed there in the Navy and I was waiting for the arrival of D1. I bet D1 is doing right now what she was doing 22 years ago, curled up in a ball hoping to never have to face the world again. HaHa It is 630am.

At this point I believe Hubby had left California and was en route to see the birth of his first child. He arrived just 4 hours before she was born and after the epidural. That is when he said the thing that almost made him physically incapable of ever having children again. Oh you look comfortable. Oh yeah... after the epidural.... I had already been in labor since Thursday night at 1130pm. It was now Saturday at 10am. I was 19, exhausted, and petrified.

It was a beautiful weekend, in the 60's and I was stuck in the hospital the whole weekend because in those days they kept you in forever. On Monday I begged to go home because Hubby was leaving Tuesday morning for the Navy. I cried and begged and they finally let me. We had one night together before he went back to Cali and we didnt see him again for 6 weeks.

Those days were so hard, or so I thought. I never imagined how much harder things get. When you have babies and toddlers you cant imagine it getting any more hectic or more ridiculous. But here is the scene from my house the other night.

I am never sick. Never I just dont have time for it. So I started feeling crappy Thursday afternoon. Really I probably woke up feeling crappy but I tried to ignore it because I had too much to do. I had an enormous headache though that would just not go away. So I tried tylenol,then aspirin, then advil. Nothing would get rid of the headache. We were done early at work so I left at 130 and did something else I never do. Laid on the couch the whole day. Didnt move except to get D3 from school, then bring D3 back to school, pick D4 up from school and drop her off at babysitting.
Finally I get home, go back to the couch and I was so sick I couldnt move. I text hubby, the only thing I could possibly think of eating is slice and bake chocolate chip cookies and a big gulp diet coke. So being the excellent husband he is, he gets it for me, brings it home and doesnt even complain that his dinner is cookies. and he makes the cookies.

So I take Aleve, because I have tried everything else and nothing has taken away the pain in my head and the excrutiating pain in my joints. Let me just add that I had been nauseous the whole day, probably after the bacon,egg and cheese, I had for breakfast.

D4 gets home from babysitting, Hubby picks D3 up from her play that she is in, D3 goes to get into the shower and I am laying on the couch, sick, sick ,sick. Hubby goes to bed and D4 is laying on the other couch. All of a sudden we hear this thump and we look over and my precious poopsie Clover is having another seizure. This has been going on for awhile and she had an appointment for a liver sonogram on Friday anyway. But i jump up off the couch and go to hold her which is what I always do when she has a seizure.

Well as soon as I move, I feel it. Total barforama coming. I move to my dog but I cant hold my head up for fear that the vomit is coming.D4 is holding her dog and petting her and saying its ok honey and I am laying with my head on the floor ready to blow. I scream upstairs D3 get out of the bathroom. She comes out wrapped in a towel, about to get into the shower and sees the scene and freaks out. D3 is not the person you want standing by in a crisis.

I run for the bathroom, knowing I have about 4 seconds to lift off and the bathroom is about 5 seconds away.

Side note... i hate to throw up and I havent thrown up in years. Actually not true I threw up a few weeks ago but before that... a long time. I threw up so much when I was pregnant with D1 and D3 that there may be no more vomit left in my body. Literally everyday, all day long, the whole nine months. I know I know and then I still had kids after them but they were perfect babies. Opposite with D2 and D4, good pregnancies, bad babies.

So I am sadly puking up all my cookies, haha, pun intended and my big gulp and I am thinking that what if I could never eat that stuff again. Once when I was pregnant with D3 I threw up a yoohoo and an everything bagel and have not eaten either one since.

you'll be happy to know I think I am ok, I havent tried it yet but it doesnt seem repulsive to me, like everything bagels and yoohoo.

anyway... on my way to throw up I say to freaking out D3, wake up daddy, tell him I am throwing up and Clover is having a seizure. So he gets up to help the dog, I mean seriously he has spent enough times holding my hair back and getting puked on. Back in the day like D3 and her boyfriend are in now where everything is lovey, kissy, even puke. Now, no he would rather take care of clover.

So I am laying on the bathroom floor which PS I have not cleaned in far too long and notice that as I am laying there. D3 is sitting outside the bathroom saying Mom are you ok. And I am screaming Stop dont listen to me throw up.

It was quite a scene. Clover's seizure ended, I only threw up twice and D3 finally calmed down. D4 cuddled with her poopsie girl and then we all went to bed.

Just another evening on the homefront.

Sort of like another time when D4 was having a seizure and D1 was throwing up. I think I already told that story, about D4 standing on a wheelie chair, if not I will tell it another time.

Babies are hard but man teenagers are way harder. Who knew when you were carefully breastfeeding them that later on they would eat doritos and gummi worms? Who knew when you taught them to share and play nice they would do that with boys, teenage boys who think teenage boy things and you would spend the next years sneaking up on them undercover to make sure nothing funny was going on? All the years you taught them to have manners, who knew that one summer when you worked and didnt pay attention, they would instantly go back to eating with their hands, burping loudly, and talking with food in their mouth?

It all goes bad. I have an idea of how the world should work perfectly and i will share that with you next time but for now its a birthday weekend and we are celebrating now that the curse of D1 has been lifted.

Party on Dude.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Footprints in the sand? Not me Jesus I walk alone


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

This used to be one of my favorite poems. For a little jewish girl from the middle of Long Island for some reason I thought this was such a powerful thought.

It was then that I carried you. Wow.

As an adult it isnt often we feel the support of something like this. I carried you.

Think about the last time you were carried. Most likely by your parents or even maybe by your spouse or boyfriend you know before you gained like 40 lbs.

Being carried means that you are unable to move on alone. You need the help of someone. Someone strong, someone who loves you more than life. Someone who struggles for you so you dont have to.

D3's boyfriend carried her up the stairs recently. It was adorable. He is strong and totally in love with her and she was tired and cranky and he carried her.

Hubby used to carry me. Well before I weighed !@##$ and the safe feeling of being carried was taken over by my fear of him having a heart attack or even worse, dropping me.

I am beating around a very large bush, the burning bush? maybe.

In any case, I have always thought this poem meant something. At different points in my life I have seriously believed in God and other times when I just sensed the presence of a higher power and felt comfortable in that. There have been very few times when I totally shunned the presence of some sort of God. But that time is now.

There cannot be a God that allows criminals to win while law abiding citizens lose.

I dont know how much of this story I have told but I will be brief because the excrutiating details are too hard to go into.

We opened a girls sporting goods store. From scratch. We rented a store in a busy shopping center, we ordered all the inventory, we bought all the racks and shelves and the cash register. We did it all. The store was successful but after a short time the tragedies in my family overtook my enthusiasm for the store and I just couldnt keep dividing my time between running the store and taking care of the people that needed me.

We were going out of business when a con man who we sort of knew came in and offered us money for the store. He played us when we were in the middle of such tremendous grief that we werent paying attention. He stole everything we had and planned to take advantage of us in such a way that it would make you sick if I outlined the exact way in which he did this. His name is Michael Gongas and if you ever come across him, run for your life. He is a professional con man who stole Sportsjust4girls from me and now he has gotten away with it.

We have been sueing him for the money he never paid for the store since 2005. I have paid my lawyer over 8000 dollars and owe him 18000 more. The judge ruled against us because in my deposition I said I handed him the inventory list and in my affadavit I said I left it on the counter. And he says that he never got the inventory list and that there was no inventory.

Blah Blah Blah the story is endless. the pain is eternal. The dissapointment almost debillitating.

I just have this unending feeling of unfairness. Of course you are hearing my side and of course he has a side. His side comes from being a con artist though. He has the store in his possession, always has since 2005. He used my credit card to buy socks, 800 dollars worth of socks. He ran up the electric bill and other bills and left them in my name.

and he never paid us for the store. and the judge thought the whole case hinged on the fact that I said one thing 3 years ago and I said another a few months ago.

Motion for Summary Judgement:DENIED

He stole a whole store. He entered into a contract to purchase a business from me and never paid for it. and the judge looked at hundreds of papers of information and thought the whole point rested on the fact that I said two different things.

and that is what is wrong with this country. the whole legal system completely protects the criminals. How else can you explain this? How can there be a legal system that looks at the fact that he still owns the store, runs it everyday and makes money.

I always have wanted to believe in a GOD. I tried when all the terrible things in my life were replaced with more terrible things. I had moments when I thought I understood that things happen for a reason. I know I was never destined to have money, but that doesnt have anything to do with being taken advantage of. With someone stealing from you. Your lifes savings and then some. The loss has cost me over 200,000 dollars. It will be with me until the day I die.

Where is the justice in this? Why are criminals protected? Mike Gongas has hundreds of thousands of dollars in judgements against him from other people he has conned and the law protects him. He has a wife and daughter and son who watch him be a dirtbag and look the other way. He has assaulted people on at least 3 occassions that I know of.

where is god in all this? Where does he hide? Why does light shine on Mike Gongas, a man who makes Satan look like Mrs. Cleaver. Mike Gongas weighs over 300 lbs. Is Jesus carrying him?

It was then that I carried you. Fuck you Jesus. Seriously. this is one time too many you have fucked with me and my family. and there is no doubt in my mind that if you do exist it is only to completely screw up what is left of this disgusting excuse for a world in which we live in.

I dont need you to carry me into the gates of hell with you. I need you to step aside.

I walk alone... and I always will.