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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

I was given a challenge if I chose to accept it and well of course... a challenge is a challenge. So I am not sure I am able to complete the assignment but I will try my best.

Baby Baby stick your head in gravy wash it out with bubble gum and send it to the Navy.

Great Green Globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, little birdies bloody feet, french fried eyeballs rolling in the frying pan but I forgot my spoon so they gave me a... scab sandwich with pus on top, monkeys vomit and camel snot, elephants eyeballs split in two, eat it nancy its good for you.

Beans Beans there good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart, the more you fart the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.

The Adams Family started when Uncle Fester farted, they really are retarded the Adams family.

When you're standin' in the shower
And you smell somethin sour,
When you're slidin' into home
And your pants are full of foam,
When you smell somethin' funky
And your pants are feelin chunky,
When you're sittin' in a class,
And that fart let out more than gas,
When you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter
When you think its kind of funny
but its really soft and runny
Some people think it's gross,
But it's really good on toast!
Diarrhea, diarrhea!

Miss Susie had a tug boat,
her tug boat had a bell (ding ding),
miss Susie went to heaven her tug boat went to HELL...o operator
please give me number nine,
and if you disconnect me I'll cut off your behind the refridgerator
there lay a piece of glass
miss Susie sat upon it and cut her little ASS...k me no more questions,
I'll tell you now more lies
the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flys..are in the meadow,
the bees are in the park,
miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k, dark dark dark.

comet it makes your mouth turn green
comet it tastes like gasoline
comet it makes you vomit
So buy some comet and vomit today

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
the batmobile lost a wheel and the joker got away

Going to kentucky going to the fair to see the senorita with flowers in her hair. Shake it shake it shake it shake it all you can, shake it like a milkshake and do the best you can. rumble to the bottom, rumble to the top turn around and turn around until you make it stop.

All the girls in France
Do the hula hula dance
and the way they shake
is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead
you put diamonds in his head
when the diamonds break
it's enough to bake a cake
when the cake is done
it is 1981
when you tie your shoe
it is 1982
when you get stung by a bee
it is 1983
when you slam a door
it is 1984
when you dance the jive
it is 1985
when you pick up sticks
it is 1986
when you like a boy named devon
it is 1987
when you close the gate
it is 1988
when you're feelin' fine
it is 1989
then it gets all cold
then you

Chinese Japanese
Dirty Knees
What are these

Milk, milk lemonade
'Round the corner fudge is made.
Put your finger in the hole,
Now you got a Tootsie Roll

Miss Susie had a baby
she named him Tiny Tim
She put him in the bath tub
to see if he can swim
He drank up all the water,
he ate up all the soap
He tried to fit the bathtub
but it wouldn't fit his throat
Mrs. Susie called the doctor
The doctor called the nurse
The nurse called the lady
with the alligator purse

oh little playmate
Come out and play with me.
And bring your dollys three.
Climb up my apple tree.
Slide down my rainbow.
Into my cellar door.
And we'll be jolly friends.
For every more
One two three four.
oh little enemy
Come out and fight with me.
And bring your soldiers three.
Climb up my poisonous tree.
I'll bring my bb gun
and we'll have lots of fun
I'll scratch your eyes out
and make you bleed to death
And we'll be be jolly enemies
For ever more One two three four.

Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe if he hollers let him go. My mother said to pick the very best one and you are NOT it.

Down down baby down by the roller coaster sweet sweet baby i'll never let you go, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy pop, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop shimmy shimmy pop

Trick or treat smell my feet.
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care- I'll pull down your underwear.

teddy bear teddy bear turn around,
teddy Bear teddy bear touch the ground,
teddy bear teddy bear go upstairs,
teddy bear teddy bear say your prayers,
teddy bear teddy bear turn off the light,
teddy bear teddy bear say goodnight

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured all the teachers, we have broken every rule.
We have hung the secretary, we have shot the principal,
Our gang goes marching on.
Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Met her at the gate with a loaded .38
And she ain’t gonna teach no more!

Me Chinese, me play joke,
Me put pee-pee in your Coke.

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All dressed in black, black, black
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons
All down her back, back, back.

She asked her mom, mom, mom
For fifty cents, cents, cents,
To see the boys, boys, boys
Pull down their pants, pants, pants.

When someone says "Shut up..."
Reply with "I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up! Then your mother comes around the corner and licks it up!"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Mistakes I have made No eraser big enough

I have made so many mistakes in my life. Actually I am making one right now. I have over 300 pages I have to read for homework yet I am sending rude emails and blogging. Yesterday I made a mistake, I went shopping instead of doing my homework. The day before more mistakes, more shopping, no homework.

Oh procrastination... a mistake I make often over and over again. Isnt that the definition of a moron, someone who does the same things over and over and expects a different result.

The mistakes I make on a daily basis are nothing compared to the catastrophic mistakes that I made that will last forever.

For instance, procrastinating is not such a big mistake but I passed it on to my children and that is a big mistake.

Oh my children... I have made such big mistakes with them, things I can never take back or change now. You know when you dont do a good job training your dog and then for the rest of its life it pees in the house or bites people, yeah those kind of mistakes.

Man I picked a bad week to give up crack.

Another huge mistake I made with the kids... I taught them to use ben and jerrys as a crutch. It used to be we saved ben and jerrys for catastrophic things like death and taxes but now we are like, oh I broke a nail its a ben and jerrys night. I have taught my kids this. When is distress reach for chocolate. I cant undo that. I can barely stop myself. D3 and I were just in 7-11 and they had a 3 lb candy bar that I was eyeing. We laughed because the other night we were talking about whether or not you get butterflies still when you see your boyfriend or husband and I said well do you get butterflies still when you see him like I get when I see that 3 lb Hershey Bar? and this morning while I was looking at it D3 was like oh my god I have never seen your eyes light up like that.

Another mistake... perhaps I have said one too many times Boys are stupid. I thought I was raising my girls to be strong independent women. I wanted them to stand on their own without any need for a boy to take care of them. I think it backfired. They are so independent that boys have become... well expendable. Is that a word? Well I mean that boys dont seem to be permanent fixtures in our house. They come and go... like.... well like Ben and Jerrys. I mean I used to love Neapolitan Dynamite. I used to make Hubby drive to multiple stores if he couldnt find it. No nothing else will do. No I cant buy chocolate fudge brownie and cherry garcia and mix them. No it is not the same thing. You have been to 3 stores already, did you try the 7-11 in MIller Place? they always have it. You havent tried there yet well then you havent tried everywhere.

Now...New York Superfudge Chunk. No I couldnt eat Neapolitan Dynamite. because Neapolitan Dynamite annoys me. Its all in my face, getting on my nerves and stuff. sometimes it has more chocolate fudge brownie and not enough cherry garcia sometimes vice versa. Whatever you know what? I just dont want it anymore. No never. I never want to see it again and if it knocks on my door I am not changing my mind. Even if it offers to change into something better it can never be New York Superfudge Chunk.Ok fine.

I have taught my girls that there are only three boys a girl can trust in her life. Ben, Jerry and her daddy. And only if her daddy is carrying a bag of Ben and Jerrys.

I have not done a good job as a mother. And as I was so busy patting myself on the back criticizing all the other mothers I didnt know until I discovered that my kids have issues. Such as obsessive compulsively trying to get paint spots off the floor, (how did that happen because I could care less) Oh I can blame hubby for that. Or being so irrestible that multiple people stalk them. Oh wait hubby again. Being so competitive in sports and games that they plan revenge on people from one game to the next. Hmmmm hubby again. Being a serious partier and being the life of the party. Yeah not me again.

Ok wait. This is all hubbys fault. I cant believe I have been taking responsibility for these mistakes. They arent mine, they are all genetic traits of hubby and his family.

Oh thank god I am still perfect and yea Boys are still stupid.

Monday, March 9, 2009

nothing to say nothing to do

Yeah right. do you actually believe I have nothing to do and nothing to say? I dont believe either of those things will ever happen.

in any case what i meant to say is that i dont have time to say anything and dont have time to do anything.

plus i feel too sick to do either.

i am wasting hours on my computer, looking at things i wish i didnt, worrying about things that have nothing to do with me.

i have art homework to do. dont laugh, it still takes hours to do it whether or not its too hard or not.

i have cheyenne to do. nah tisenst deh dun. nancy nah hasheveh.

what is your name? My name is Nancy. See I am learning.

So today was full of stress and not so fun. I had to sign the papers saying I give up on sueing the stupid bastard who stole my store.

I was up all night with my favorite daughter holding her hair back as she puked. She is little and furry and black and not feeling so well. and she is my favorite today, because she hasnt yet today, rolled her eyes at me, talked back, fell on her bad knees, talked like mrs swan or asked me to drive her anywhere or pick her up from anywhere. she just looked at me last night and said "mommy i do not feel well" please hug me. and i did. and she said thanks.

She talks to me all the time and seriously if you dont believe that you should not be reading my blog.

she tells me when she is thirsty and no one fills up her water. she tells me when the people at the vet are bad to her. she tells me when she wants a treat and when she thinks the cats are trying to overthrow the world. yes she does speak cat. she spent alot of time with them before we adopted her.

okay really this blog is going nowhere, i am tired, irritated, nervous, sick and i want candy. i want candy and i cant have any because my friend at work and i decided that we should at least do this for 7 days. I already want to quit. For real. I am stressed out and I want candy.

Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy