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Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Classic Story of a nose ring, a one armed man and a whole lot of Dos Equis

There are stories that I love to tell and this is one of them.

I cant believe it has taken me almost a year and over 100 posts to write it.

This story is 100% true on all counts and dont even THINK of suggesting that the excessive amount of Dos Equis and Jose Cuervo in any way enhanced it.

Ask Hubby. He witnessed it all and will guest blog about it if need be. With the missing two fingers he types oober slowly though so it may take awhile.

So with the possibility of being called a giant Pinocchio here goes....

Once a lifetime ago... when I was 30... and had four little children at home... ages 10, 9, 4 and 2 1/2... hubby had a huge surprise party for me and gave me a trip to Cancun. It was a great surprise and I looked forward to some free time alone with the love of my life.

So off we go to the magical land of clear blue water and bottomless pina coladas for our first trip away from our children.

I am keeping this story about our adventure and not the rest of the trip but there were moments that I missed the kids so much I cried to go home.

Yeah we were gone for 4 days.

In any case... one night we head off to Senor Frogs. We were told when you go to Cancun you have to go to Senor Frogs or Carlos and Charlies. We get all dressed one night and yes I was 30 lbs thinner than I am now and looked like I was 25. Its the teenagers, they have aged me.

So we are looking super cool and head off to the party capital of Cancun. The place is packed and so we kind of sneak in pretending we are eating dinner there and then we sneak over to the night club part.

Here is the thing about going out to a place like this in Cancun. Everyone is on vacation and everyone has been partying since they opened their eyes.

And there is a water slide and there are girls in bikinis and its all good.

So we are drinking beer and tequila, my favorite combination, back when I could keep my eyes open past 9:30pm. there is a band playing and the guy from Kool and the Gang who was recently on American Idol was headlining...wooo....what excitement.

In any case... we are having a great time,just drinking and dancing and people are starting to dance on tables and as the night goes on people are starting to fall off tables...wow that is gonna hurt in the morning...

So Hubby has to go let out some of the Dos Equis and Tequila and he leaves me in Cancun to go to the little boys room.

He is gone no sooner than one second, or maybe I just looked around more after he left me, that I notice a one armed man and a cocktail waitress right next to me. She is bringing him drinks and he is kind of hitting on her and I am way too drunk and so I am staring...

All of a sudden confetti starts falling from the sky and it is landing in everyones drinks and it is getting in everyones faces... it was annoying... so the cocktail waitress goes to wipe the confetti away from her face and she knocks out her diamond nose ring.

This is absolutely real.

So she is freaking out, oh no my nose ring, it was a diamond, i have to find it, and so the one armed man and I start helping her look on the floor for it... in a dirty Cancun bar that is filled with sawdust and confetti and sand and... lets not think too hard about what else was down there...

so we are on our hands and knees in the bar, shockingly all that tequila and beer made me comfortable crawling around on a bar room floor with a one armed man and a mexican cocktail waitress.

So we cant find it and she is really upset and I say dont worry you can put a new one in when you get home and she says,,, no i just got it pierced and it cant be out of that long.

Well lucky for her although it was 1997 I was still living in 1985 and I had 7 earrings in my ears about 4 of them being FAKE diamond studs.

So I take one out and say here have this. She says oh no I couldnt and I say no really go ahead. And she says Ok can you help me put it back in... and I say of course because thats what you do in those situations...

and that is why when hubby came out of the bathroom I was standing in a bar full of drunk people...with my fingers up the nose of a mexican cocktail waitress while the one armed man stood by.. you know in case I needed help...and music was blaring and people were falling off tables and confetti was falling from the sky... and it was time to go.

Unfortunately you cannot put two very drunk idiots from Long Island in Mexico and let them loose. We got on a bus going in the wrong direction and well after we were in the neighborhood where the workers live... the bus driver said.. Que Pasa...where are you going? Lucky for me I was fluent in 7th grade Spanish and said... oh my god we are lost we need to go back to ...hotel i cant remember name of... please rape us and kill us and dump our bodies in the ocean and no one will have any idea what happened to us.

So he said... get off the bus here and wait for the bus going in the other direction.

And we did and we were too drunk to notice that people with switchblades and giant lions and tigers were at the bus stop trying to kill us... ok wait.... this part may have been part of my hallucination....

and we got on the bus going back to the hotel and lets just say there was an incident there too but I wont go into it for fear of embarassing my kids...

Anyway... it was proably the most fun night I have ever had.

And I am missing a small diamondique stud to prove it.