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Friday, August 21, 2009

Thoughts detained....

Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was all right for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left. Certainly deceit and treachery in both romantic and political relationships is nothing new, but at one time, it was bad, callous, and cold to hurt somebody. Now it’s just the way things go, part of the growth process.
— Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
Posted May 7, 2009 in leaving book love hurts depression

The Story Of Job and the "burning bush"

Did I ever mention that I know absolutely nothing about religion?

Ok I know some of the basic stories from the Old Testament, I know a few things from the New Testament but whatever I dont know for sure I make up on my own.

So the story of Job. Here is my version.

God wanted to mess with his head and test his love for him so he kept taking away everything in the world that Job loved and said Hey Job do you still love me?

And Job said "sure god i love you" and on and on it went, taking away Jobs friends, family, his chocolate and his favorite bush.

I have felt like Job on occasion. Especially when my belief in God was way stronger... you know before he fucked with me way too many times. I continually questioned how one person could be given so much grief, so much to handle.

I couldnt even begin to list how bad our luck is when it comes to cars, appliances, cesspools, phones, tvs, health etc etc.

We have had floods and cesspool backups on Christmas Eve. We have had illnesses that they always say "Well there is like a 99 percent chance this will never happen" and then it does.

One time our car was parked in front of a repair shop after it was done being fixed and a woman driving by had a heartattack and died, crashed into the car and was beheaded. Needless to say the car was totaled.

In the last 6 months we have been hit in the back of Hubby's car 3 times.

We have gone through more appliances, more tvs, more everything than anyone else i know.

We have had life threatening illnesses on more than one occasion. Ok more than 5 occasions.

Our computers die, our cars are hit, our barbecues break... over and over and over.

But it is usually spread out by a few days.

Not this week. this week the tv broke, my computer broke, the kids are broken and to top it off... my cesspool backed up into the house. All in the same day.

So I wanted to dump chemicals down there because I thought that would fix it but Hubby convinced me to let someone come and clear the clog for 129 dollars.

Now i dont know why I was fooled into this really. The last two times the cesspool guy came to clear the clog it cost about 1200 dollars each time. They always find a full cesspool or some other ridiculous thing.

Today they found a collapsed pipe in the ground.

Right under my favorite bush.

Why so attached to a bush you say?

Because nothing grows on our property. Nothing. since we have moved in, everything has died.

And this bush has lived. It has lived happily never asking for anything in return. Growing strong, staying green while all its brothers and sisters smoked crack and died off. Sickly and without a care for anyone or anything.

The bush has been there since we moved in. Through the years here, while our kids grew, our dog ran through it, the bush grew for us.

Now in one moment... they broke my bush and then they claimed it had to be removed because it was growing into the pipe.

And it will cost 750 dollars to fix it.

And I do not have 750 dollars.

And I anticipate having to replace my TV and computer this week also.

And I have no shampoo, no detergent, no cups...
As you recognize all BJs items, and BJs is a 200 dollar adventure.

I dont know what Job did when God took everything away. I heard some ridiculous rumor that he kept loving and supporting God.

And I am just about to go over the edge here and I have had enough.

I dont know why I am being tested. I dont know why God chose to give Hubby a cancer that D4's doctor recently said had no survival rate that he knew of at Stony Brook Univ Hosp.

I dont know why all of our cars break constantly even though we get oil changes regularly and take great care of them.

Our washing machine pipe, oil pipe and sprinkler line freeze even after we covered them with foam to keep them safe and warm.

And now the cesspool pipe has corroded away and the bush has to be removed and it is just too much.

Too much for Job and too much for me to take.

I am tired. Really tired of it. Tired of the illnesses, tired of the broken things, tired of it all.

And maybe Job understood but I dont and I need to know why?

I have tried to look on the bright side of everything. I have tried to say "Ok I can do this", I have tried to smile through my tears but not today.

I am too tired today to let it go, too tired to say its okay, too tired to find 750 dollars.

I am not Job. Job passed the test. I am about to fail.


I cannot keep it up, the happy face, the charming personality, the shining smile.

No instead what you have is a bitter, crying, frustrated, poor woman who is about to give up and move on alone away from all of this. Away from God's testing, away from broken things, away from my broken bush.

Job and his wife Lived in Uz.
Job had seven sons and 3 daughter all grown with families of their own.
Job had much land and livestock and men to help him work.
Job loved God and worshipped God everyday.

One day, the devil said to God, "You have blessed Job and given him everything is the only reason Job worships you. If you would take away your blessings, Job would no longer praise you."
God said to the devil, " Do what you want to all that Job has but do not touch him."
The devil left God and began his evil work.

Suddenly a messenger came to Job saying, "All your oxen and donkeys are gone. All of the men that helped you are gone."
While the messenger was still speaking, a second messenger came and said, " A huge fire has killed all the sheep."
And still a third messenger arrived saying, "Some thieves came and stole all your camels."
And still a fourth messenger arrived saying, "All of your sons and daughter were eating together when suddenly there came a huge wind and the house fell on them."
Job was so sad.
In a single day, he had lost everything.
He lost his land,
He lost his livestock.
He lost his sons and daughters.
Job fell to his knees and began worshipping God saying, "..the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD."
After all those bad things happened to Job, He still praised God.

The devil was upset because Job was still praising God.
So he went to God and said, "If Job were hurting in his body, he would not praise you.
God answered the devil saying, "Do what you want but do not kill him."
The devil delighted in giving Job very painful sores all over his body from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.
Job had nothing
He lost his land,
He lost his livestock.
He lost his Sons and daughters.
Now he was in more pain with the sores all over his body.
Job suffered greatly.
Job's wife said to him, "Let it go. Curse God and die"
Job answered her, "You talk like a foolish woman. Do we only take the good and not the bad?"
Still he praised God.

Jobs friends had heard about what had happened to Job.
They decided they would go and be with him.
His friends sat with Job for one week.
His friends told Job that he had sinned and that is why all these horrible things had happened.
Job insisted that he loved God and he never sinned against him.
They would not believe him.
All of them told Job he had sinned and he must confess his sin to make things right.
Job still insisted that he had not sinned against God.
Finally his friends were quiet. They had nothing to say to him because they felt that Job was wrong. They thought Job felt was better than everyone else. They knew Job had sinned and wouldn't admit it.
Finally, God spoke.
God said "Who is this that gives advice without knowledge, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Answer if you have understanding!"
God spoke to Job of all the things he created.
God created the heavens, the earth and all that is on the earth.
Job said "I know that you can do everything, and that no thought can be withheld from you. Therefore, I have spoken things that I did not understand. But now I have heard you and now I understand. "
God said to Job's friends, "You have not spoken the truth of me as Job has. Take seven bulls and seven rams and go to Job and offer them up for yourselves. Job will pray for you and I will accept his prayer for you. "
Fearing the wrath of God, the men did as God had told them.
God accepted Job's prayer and was very pleased with Job.

As Job prayed for his friends, God returned his fortune that had been taken away by the devil.
God gave Job twice as much as he had in the beginning.
God gave him twice as many sheep.
God gave him twice as many donkeys.
God gave him twice as many camels.
God gave him twice as many yoke of oxen.
God gave him 7 sons and 3 daughters.
His daughters were the most beautiful in the land.
After all of this, Job lived 140 years and he loved God and praised him every day.

Oh I see, Job got better stuff in the end. Ok I would like to start by winning the 207 million in mega millions tonight.

I love that all over the world, there are people falling in love

I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I’m a heart man. Take ‘em apart, put ‘em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you… me.
— Isaiah Washington, Grey’s Anatomy

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I believe... My quest against the Unicorn Slayers

I believe in true love, love at first sight and love for eternity.

I believe that you can be in love at any age and any time and even if the Unicorn Slayers try to tell you that you are too young, too old, too far away or too involved, it doesnt matter. True Love prevails.

I believe that love can conquer pain and suffering and that having love in your life eases the burden of lifes unfair moments.

I believe that my unicorn can carry me off to faraway places and even to my castle where I would have tea with the pegasus', the other unicorns and some of the ogres that need our help to learn to love.

I am aware that Unicorn Slayers dont understand my beliefs and I do not understand theirs. But I respect their right to believe it. As long as they stop slaying my unicorns.

There is so much ugliness in the world and also so much beauty. Sometimes it is easy to take the path of least resistance and watch the world go by dreary and dark. The harder part is to reach outside of that comfort and change and grow. And look for the beauty in ugly moments.

I have been through some enormous life changing unpleasant catastrophic events in my life. And yet on most days I look to my unicorn, my fantasy world to bring me some peace.

I believe that no one should ever tell you what to feel or how to think and when they dont agree they could say "Well i dont agree with that, why do you feel that way"

I believe that our life is a series of relationships, some for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You take away a piece of each of those relationships, you practice being different things and then when the time is right, whenever that is, you find the person that you are meant to be with.

I found that person when I was 16. I had dated a lot of boys and never felt the way I do about Hubby. Even after we found each other and people insisted that I could not possibly know what love is, I never met anyone who helped me become the person I wanted to be as much as Hubby.I met others, I looked, but always the love of my life was right in front of my eyes. And he loved me back.

It wasnt easy.We were far apart for a long time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but then absence lets you forget how special that person is too.

"They said, I'll bet, they'll never make it but just look at us holding on, we're still together, still going strong"

I wish and hope that my girls find this kind of love. Magical love. Unicorn flying love. Eating lobster together at 2am love.

If they find it at 16, or 25 or 40, grab the opportunity, it wont matter if you wait for the right time, place, love doesnt wait and sometimes circumstances only give us a short amount of time to experience it. Time may not be kind, but we can cheat time by jumping in and grabbing hold of what we can when love presents itself.

You may not agree with me and that is find but stop slaying my unicorns, they exist for me and people like me and we dont want your angry, cynical, bitterness bringing us down. Go back to Ogreville and comiserate with your fellow ogres.