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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Vomited, Barfed, Ralphed, Puked, Tossed your cookies, Driving the porcelain bus, Throw up

I contemplated many ideas for this blog but as is always the case when everyone is together... the conversation turns to Vomit.

Everyone has a good vomit story. To protect the innocent I will not mention when these classic pukes occurred, just the stories themselves. because lets face it...throwing up is always funny.

to be fair i will start with myself.

I cannot even accurately describe to you how many times I puked when I was pregnant with D1 and D3. Every day, all day long, for almost 7 months. Literally everything I ate I knew I would be seeing later.

It got so bad that i had to make my choice of food based on what was easiest to vomit.

Hmmm...should i eat those really sharp taco flavored doritos that could slice me like a razor blade on the way back up, or those soft cushiony corn muffins?

dont get me wrong, i still ate the doritos, but I paid the price later.

I got pregnant about a month after we moved in together. We had been married since December, but Hubby was out on a Navy ship, picking up pieces of the exploded Challenger off the coast of Florida, touring Cuba and just in general saving our country from the bad guys. there were less bad guys in 1986 but nonetheless, the Navy thought they needed him more than me. We moved in together in May and I found out I was pregnant in July.


I was on my way home from work one day when I started throwing up into a McDonalds bag in my car. I threw up over the Tobin Bridge, all the way home. As I pulled up to our basement apartment in the ghetto of East Boston, I felt more vomiting coming on. I pulled the car into a space and ran for the door. I planned on racing into the bathroom but Hubby was standing there waiting for me so nicely.

Blahhahahahaha.... puked all over my shoes, his shoes, in a trail to the toilet.

And he still loves me even to this day.

I once ate an everything bagel and yoohoo. then i went shopping in tjmaxx. I was pregnant with D3. i will make it simple for you, there were a few unhappy people in TJ Maxx and i have not eaten an everything bagel or yoohoo in 15 years.

D1's famous vomit story: Outback... she orders fettucine alfredo...I know already you are thinking... mistake... but she was recovering from food poisoning and I think I may have convinced her that meat was a poor choice. We get in the car to go home and we start driving. We are not even out of the parking lot yet and she starts, hiccuping. Right away we are worried, because there is always a hiccup, a burp, laughing and then she blows.

So in order to keep the pattern going, hubby is screaming uh oh uh oh over and over again. D1 is laughing and saying, pull over I am going to throw up. hahahah. we laugh and laugh. She's gonna blow hubby screams, she's gonna blow. Really pull over dad, really, hiccup, hiccup, burp, burp, laugh, laugh, blahahahahah...in her defense she tried to roll down the window but it only goes down halfway in the back. I dont know something about child safety. Whatever... puke guard.

Well, she threw up in her lap... an entire plate of fettucine alfredo and cheese fries. It was classic. Of course we had just pulled out of the parking lot. Really. We laughed so hard we almost puked ourselves. when we got out of the car at home, she had full noodles and whole french fries in her lap. and clover ran outside for her feast of whole vomit. For a dog really what better meal is that.

D2's famous vomit story...ok D2 never vomits. Never. She is like Jerry Seinfeld. He hadnt vomited in like 12 years. But then....the black and white cookie. It did him in and seriously it was one of the funniest episodes to date.

JERRY: Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.

ELAINE: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times.

JERRY: Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie.

time goes by...

JERRY: Uh, I don't feel so good.

ELAINE: What's wrong?

JERRY: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

ELAINE: The black and white?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Not getting along?

JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.

ELAINE: Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?

JERRY: I feel like I'm going to throw up.

ELAINE: Hey, what about your vomit streak?

JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.

so my point is she is not a big puker. but one time she was at a christmas party and just had way too many pretty, pretty drinks. She had a friend pick her up and apparently threw up in her car. The smell lasted forever even with multiple bottles of febreze. She threw up on her coat, her camera, her phone, D3's famous black boots and god knows what else. Her friend called D1 to come and secretly pick her up but we were on to her so Hubby went with D1 to pick her up. she was asleep on the floor of the bathroom, her clothes in a bag with her various vomit covered accessories.
that event caused a fight within her friends family that ultimately led to her friend being kicked out of the house on Christmas. The story continues and eventually the friend moved to Tennessee and got married. so if any thing goes wrong i have to say it is all D2's fault.

D3's vomit in a public place...so you read my story of how i ignored D3 when her appendix was rupturing??? Well anyway... she was pretty sick even after the surgery. But one day while she was recovering, I had this grand idea that we should get out of the house. I took her to Starbucks, got her a sugar free vanilla decaf latte and then drove through mcdonalds and got her fries. It was pouring out but I thought we should get some stuff from BJs. So I drop her off in the front of BJs and I go to park the car. As i am walking in the door I see her, head in garbage can puking her guts up. I am holding her hair and rubbing her back because really what else can I do at this point? When she is done, I took the garbage bag out and threw it outside in the big garbage bag. Then i say... do you think you feel well enough to go back inside?? Alright... I know... but I really needed dog food and shampoo. for gods sake, what did you want me to do? buy it in the supermarket.

D4's pukarama...we drove all the way to south carolina to stay in my parents condo. they werent there, just us. So we pull into Bob Evans for breakfast. As we pull into the parking lot, D1 is like I dont feel well. And she throws up in the parking lot. This apparently became a regular occurance because she threw up in the store parking lot the night before we opened and also I think in Walmart parking lot in Geneseo. Anyway sorry this is D4's story. So we say D1 can you make it into the restaurant? WE WERE HUNGRY. it was a long trip. huh! you are so judgemental. Well we go in and get a table and D4 at that time had a habit of waiting to the last minute and then jumping up and screaming, I am going to pee in my pants, while holding herself. So she says, I have to frow up...are you sure D4. Dry coughing and head shaking.... I grab her and run for the bathroom. But it was too late.. she started throwing up and I pulled her head into my hair so she wouldnt spew all over the restaurant. And she throws up in my hair. all the way to the bathroom. And then we cut the people in line to jump into a stall. Hey I am a new yorker, those crazy southerners have no idea what hit them. But D4 was worried, Blahahaha, mommy, blahahah, did we cut those people, blahaha, its ok honey, you are sick. ok blahblah. Now we call it Barf Evans, cause that is so funny.

Hubbys famous vomit story...we were at a wedding and hubby had way too much to drink. I never drank then because my blood sugar was so bad and my sister in law didnt drink because she was about 9 months pregnant with my nephew. So we were the designated drivers. it is a sucky job in this family let me tell you because everyone else drinks to oblivian. So we leave the wedding and hubby is in the front seat of my van. his family is in the back and I have to drive them from Hampton Bays to Ronkonkoma and yes that does mean i have to pass my house to get there. I am driving towards the hotel and hubby is passed out, And then I hear it...the dry cough and then... you guessed it... Total Barforama. Right on my front winshield. I roll down the window on his side, yeah i had power windows in that car. dont worry there were no bridges around. And he pukes all over the window, inside and outside. Vomit everywhere. When I drop his family at the hotel they run in and get towels. But it doesnt matter. There is vomit and vomit smell all over the car. When we got home, I stripped off his clothes, put him to bed, and then set out to clean the car. Boiling water on the outside, carpet cleaner on the inside. I was so pissed at him that night. When he woke up I told him he was dating his B1(brother 1)girlfriend. she spent the whole night hitting on him. I have to say right now its funny but at the time... no not so much.


I dont know how to load videos yet so go to this link on youtube and watch this.

Bottom line is Barfing is always funny...no matter where or when it happens. and it sometimes is the highlight of any event. lets see if anyone tosses their cookies on thanksgiving. hahahaha cant wait...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


If you pay attention to the time of my posts... yes it really is 523am. I have actually been awake watching Boston Legal since 430am. Well really that was after my little doggie woke me up at 415am to go out.

anywho...Boston Legal is probably one of the best shows on tv. and i am pretty sure I am the only person watching it. which is why it is being cancelled this year. the impending doom has left room though for a lot of "in the cameras face" kind of jokes.

james spader: oh denny you'll outlive all of us
captain kirk: you think so?
james spader: of course you'll be around doing priceline commercials long after we are all gone.

They talk about heaven and whether or not there is one. Also when you go to heaven how old are you? Are you there at the age you die? James Spader tells Captain kirk that he thinks you go there at the age you are when you are at your happiest. The best part of your life.

the show has always been a platform for current topics but this year i guess they figure, what more can they do except cancel us and they are using every episode for some sort of political agenda public service message.

last week a girl was fired for voting for mccain. she wanted to sue her boss so james spader went to talk to him.

james spader: you fired her for voting for mccain?
funny boss guy: no i voted for mccain, i fired her because she is stupid.
james spader: you sound like you fired her for voting for mccain.
funny boss guy: i voted for mccain because of his economic plan, for his foreign policy, because i thought he could lead this country better. do you know why she voted for mccain? because she thought sarah palin was spunky. and that makes her stupid and that is why i fired her.

it was classic and of course any sarah palin slam makes me laugh.

in last nights episode, the whole happy "family" of the law firm is invited over for Thanksgiving Dinner. Of course with lawyers everywhere,an argument over racism ensues. James Spader gives a lecture on how racist this country is and how people who think its over because we have a black president are dead wrong.

At the end of the episode he talks about his own thanksgiving when he was young. His mother used to work serving others and his dad was a drunk. he often spent thanksgiving alone in his room. In his mind he says this is the thanksgiving he always dreamed of where people can talk to each other about controversial topics, and be in each others face, laughing one minute, angry the next.He loved the chaos of the day, and he was thankful to be there.

When i was growing up, thanksgiving was bring a freak to dinner day. I dont know exactly how it started or where some of the people even came from but over the years, strangers would often show up as friends of our family and of course, there was always enough food. One year my uncle brought a gay couple to dinner, one of them was black and the other was white. It made for interesting dinner conversation and although i was only 12 i could still feel the tension from that day. That was the year my mother put my sister and I on the Port jeff train to manhattan, alone, and had some random old man watch us on the train. We had to change in Huntington and we just followed this man, me, 12 and my sister 8. I guess things were different then, but we were not city savvy. Not like my kids who could easily show up in manhattan and probably even find their way to carmines. We went into the city and my aunt met us at the train. We went and watched the balloons from the parade be blown up and then went to a party with pot, gays and tons of liquor. We didnt stay long but the gay couple came and slept at my aunts and uncles and my sister and i slept on the floor as they slept on the pull out couch. i remember being totally pissed and vowing to "tell" when i got home.

Apparently it still bothers me because i tell that story almost every year.

Over the years, thanksgiving has become the day before the biggest shopping day of the year. It is just a vehicle to get to shopping. maybe i'll have a little something to eat, but i pace myself so that i can read all the flyers and plan my shopping extravaganza.

last year for the first time ever I took children with me at the annual 430am shopping spree. i have to say it was one of the most enjoyable shopping days i have ever had. We got on line at Target at 450am and waited until it opened at 6. We rotated getting warm in Best Buy which had opened at 5. D3 and D4 got us hot chocolate and coffee as we waited on line in the freezing cold. D1 and D2 met us way later, when they woke up. We had already been shopping for 6 hours when we met up with them and we continued until about 6 pm. We were on a mission and with 3 people ready to knock people down...you can accomplish a lot.

They saw the best and worst of people which is what i love about THAT shopping day. There are people who would give you the shirt off their back and others who would steal your Furby out of your cart if you kept your eyes closed too long when you sneezed.

So what will Thanksgiving be like this year? Its hard to say... there are the usuals... mom and dad... my sister, her husband, their two kids... our first thanksgiving with merrys D1,C2(daughter 1, child 2)last year we chose to spend it with just my parents. Hubbys sister and nephew...always difficult missing her husband on the holidays...and then maybe some freaks...maybe a long lost friend, or a new boyfriend or someone else I can drag up from the gutter.

In any case... the political conversation has come to a halt since my obama has been elected. there will be talk, but thats ok...because that IS what a family is all about. Talking, yelling, eating, arguing, eating some more...its what makes the day great.

And for the first time in many months, all my girls will be home together.

and nothing could make me more thankful than that.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where for art thou Pluto?

So D4 and I were sitting in the kitchen yesterday afternoon doing homework. She was doing Earth Science and I was doing Biology.

Want to trade D4 said.

No I hate that stuff I said.

Oh you don't believe in this either She said.

Yeah, I believe in it I just don't understand how anyone could spend their life studying rocks.

Stop talking to me I said I am trying to do my homework.

You are the one who keeps talking to me D4 said.

AS IF...really does anyone even believe that?

A few quiet minutes go by...

Should I include Pluto as a planet D4 says.

What do you mean I say.

Well Pluto is not a planet anymore but it still says it is in my book She says.

Great Job Mount Sinai having books that are so old they include Pluto...

Why did they have to get rid of Pluto I say, a little too intensely.

It didn't meet the requirements for being a planet she says.

Who had the time and energy to set out to prove Pluto wasn't a planet, why couldn't they just let it be, its been a planet for ever why did they feel it was necessary to fire Pluto as a planet. How do you think Pluto feels right now? Being fired away from all its planet friends. What could it possibly have done to be fired from being a planet? I said

Well for one thing D4 says, it isn't big enough to meet the requirements for being a planet.

Oh really I say... do we go around firing midgets from the human race? because they aren't big enough? Seriously, we haven't fired Jupiter for being too big. Is this some kind of prejudice against the small minority planet?

Mom, she says, it also doesn't revolve the way a planet is supposed to. The planets are supposed to revolve around in a circle. Pluto has no direction, it goes in and out of the blah blah blah, something about a belt named Kuyper, I don't know I never took Earth Science.

Oh so its a little off track, maybe it had too many drinks tonight after being told it was FIRED from being a planet. So it is stumbling around in the galaxy, lost and alone, all little and cute, maybe quite drunk and possibly getting lost and that's it? We don't care anymore? Pluto has been our planet for ever.

Do you remember when you first learned about Pluto?

My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles.

What is our very educated mother going to serve us now? Nothing! My very educated mother just served us nothing. You want to fire Pluto, fine, now Neptune is nothing in the rhyme. So there.

The fact that billions of dollars was spent to prove Pluto isn't a planet anymore lead to some other disturbing thoughts.

What if they fire mars as a planet? will all the illegal martians come here looking for work?

What if the scientist find that Alaska is too big to be a state, and they have to make it its own country? would that disqualify Sarah Palin from running for President again because technically she wouldn't be an American?

What if Pluto goes on to be something great and wonderful like the Wizard of Oz, will we want it back then and try to convince it that it can rule the world?

What if Pluto gets some of its previously fired friends from the Universe, forms a Galaxial Gang and comes back to get us with sawed off stars that shoot fiery rays and really cool weapons that they found after they got lost in the atmosphere when the Star Trek guys were out there?

Yeah these are the things that keep me up nights, or at least keep me from doing my homework.

Couldn't Pluto have been given a warning? Stay in line and beef it up or you're fired.

I think that would have been far more fair than what happened to our friend Pluto.

for gods sake, there is a Disney character named after Pluto. At least he will be forever in our hearts as we see that adorable dog of Mickey and Minnie running through the world, like nothing matters, lets hope some scientists don't get it into their head to fire Pluto, the Disney dog, because he doesn't stand up right like

and why can Goofy talk, but not Pluto? They are both dogs... has this been some kind of sick conspiracy against Pluto all along? What is going on here?

Oh Pluto, I will always think of you as a planet, just like I always call Rite Aid, Genovese or the shopping center over in Selden, The Hills Shopping Center. I will always call the DVD player a VCR and an Ipod a Walkman. I never forget the things that were here before.

That is probably what is clogging my brain from memorizing bacteria.

Low disc space