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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Its a girl March 1987 part 2

I woke up in the middle of the night the other day realizing... I never blogged about Daughter #1's actual birth. I knew I talked about it once but I couldnt remember telling the most important parts of the story.

So here goes...

I am 19, living with my parents because Hubby was sent to Virginia first and then California second, my first child, what the hell did I know?

First I am seeing the doctor that delivered my sister and yes he is ancient. He first tells me that Daughter #1 is breech and that I will need a C-section. Turns out she turned in time. Then about a week before my due date he tells me that my military insurance is not going to pay him enough and that my mother will need to give him 500 dollars on the side. So of course we leave there like F@#$% you and we attempt to find a doctor that will accept military insurance. The only one we can find is the Stonybrook University Clinic. So I call on March 1st, Hi I am due next week and I need an appointment, Um yeah our next open appointment is April 26th. Um yeah my due date is March 7th. Yeah well sorry. No you dont understand blah blah blah, ok they squeeze me in for March 5th at 1pm. I go there and they take blood and examine me and are like you are already dilated, you arent gonna make it through the weekend. Its a Thursday.

I go home and they call and they are like Oh my god you have gestational diabetes you must come in tomorrow 8am for more tests. Oh ok.

Nightime comes and my back hurts so bad. I fall asleep but i wake up around 11pm and I go into my parents room and they are still awake. I am like, oh man my back is killing me and my mother says, go sit in daddys chair and watch tv for awhile.

So I sit in the big brown chair in the den watching tv... all night long. I cant fall asleep because my back hurts so bad and I really have no idea that I am in labor.

When my father gets up to go to work in the morning at 6am I am still in the chair and he is like, are you still here? And I am like yeah my back is killing me. He wakes up my mother who is like holy crap maybe you are in labor.

Well I have an appointment anyway at Stony Brook so we go off to the doctor. I go in and I am telling them that I am there for more blood sugar tests but that I think i am in labor. So they send me up to labor and delivery and they are like yeah you are in labor but you have a long way to go so go walk around the mall.

Haha Ha... walk around the mall? I have been up all night and I am enormously fat and there is no way in hell I am doing that. They tell me that I am dehydrated so I go home and drink large quantities of Hawaiian Punch. I almost turned into that giant glass pitcher that breaks through the wall I drank so much. If you are too young to remember this reference look it up on line.

So I wait home for about 12 hours. 12 hours of Hawaiian punch drinking and watching tv. At around 8 pm my father, my mother and I head off to the hospital with my stuffed animal in hand.

Oops I forgot about the fact that Hubby was in California and I had called him at 7am California time. He tries to leave California but soon finds out how ridiculous the United States Navy is. They wont let him leave until he is done with his day of school. He doesnt get on a flight until 11pm California time. And he heads east.

I am in the labor room and they tell me that I am not far enough to be admitted. I start crying and my dad is there patting my hand and I am in pain but more so I am so sad that my hubby isnt there. I miss him so much and I want him there when I have his baby.

They hook me up to an IV and they tell me to walk the halls. I am throwing up still after 9 months of morning, afternoon and night sickness and so I am carrying a bucket with my IV pole and literally running from chair to chair and sitting down with each contraction. My mother in law arrives and she and my mother are walking the halls with me and they still are refusing to admitt me. I have really had it. I have been up for over 36 hours at this time, I am in labor alone without my hubby and I am wiped out. I just sit on the chair and refuse to walk and refuse to do anything. The on call doctor finally admits me and they put me in a room and give me morphine so I can sleep. Lets just say... I would have taken anything at that point to get rid of the pain.

So it is what 2am at this point and they admit me and I sleep for about 5 minutes and then I wake up in more pain than ever. Meanwhile hubby is on a plane from California to New york with a stop over in Chicago. He begs to get off the plane in Chicago and they let him knowing his wife is in labor. He calls someone at the hospital to find out if I have had the baby and no I am still in labor after , what are we up to 28 hours at that point?

I might add that Diet Coke is new and I have never drank diet soda but I am craving it like nothing I have ever craved before.

At 7am my water breaks and the doctors are like ok, now you can have an epidural. Wow finally. Well by the time the anesthesiologist comes in and they give me the epidural it is like 9am and hubby is on his way from the airport. Uncle Mike to the rescue. He is driving like he has a heart in his trunk to get hubby to the hospital before I give birth.

Well when he gets there I have already had the epidural and he doesnt even believe the 35 hours of labor I have suffered through so far.

But he gets there in plenty of time and just four hours later our beautiful first daughter is born. Hubbys daddy immediately goes and gets me a diet coke which was probably the best one I have ever had. I go off to my room and hubby goes out to the diner with my family.

The next day my cousin (who was killed in a drunk driving accident)brought me tuna on a bagel. I had loads of visitors who all brought pink bunnies and little pink dresses. It was exhausting and amazing all at the same time.

I wanted so bad to bring my new baby home before hubby had to be back in california Tuesday. I had a fever though and they wouldnt let me go. I begged please I will only have one day with my hubby before he has to go back to the Navy and he will not see her again until she is 6 weeks old. They finally let me go home and we spend one night together with our new baby sleeping on our chest as we squeezed into the bed I grew up in.

My little pink bundle is 21 now and older than I was when she was born. I have loved every bit of it from those days in March when I spent 39 hours waiting for her until now when I just sent her off to her last year of college.

My life as a mom began that day in 1987 and has only gotten better with time. 4 times over. I am grateful for every moment.

Sing...sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong

My last couple of blogs were just random and bizarre and I really wanted this blog to be stories that my kids knew or maybe didnt know about me. Weird random thoughts constantly infect my head though and it is not always so easy to organize them into ways that make sense to anyone other than myself.

I relate songs to everything in my life. Every happy or traumatic moment has a song attached to it and when I hear the song it brings me right back to that moment. This is not healthy I am sure as I spend a lot of time reliving the past and wondering if I could have done it differently.

When we lived in Florida, near the military base , our friends were all from Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana, all the deep south as far as I was concerned. They were afraid that when we moved into the apartment complex they were all living in that we would rob them being from NY and all. Anyway... they always talked about the Civil War and how they could have done it differently to have won. I swear this was a constant topic of conversation. They had groups where you could go and replan the battles of the Civil War so the South could win.

In any case that is what I always think of when I try to "fix" the past in my head and wonder if I could have won the war.

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that I'm sure... and I just cant wait for the day when you walk through the door. Now dont want you back for the weekend, not back for a day, No baby I just want you back and I want you to stay...Every time I go for the mailbox gotta hold myself down, cause I just cant wait til you write me your coming around... walking on sunshine... yeah... walking on sunshine.

Ok that was from when Hubby and I were dating and he was away in the Navy. Lots of good lyrics. They played that at our wedding. It brings me right back to the days when I was a senior in high school and all I wanted was to be with hubby and be done with school. I was in Sociology the day after hubby left for the Navy and I was just crying the whole day. I couldnt bear that I wouldnt see him again for at least 8 weeks or even talk to him for that matter.So my sociology teacher, Mr. Bernstein, asked me what was wrong and why I didnt have my homework to hand in. I was very quiet in school and would very rarely trust a teacher but he seemed genuinely concerned and wanting to help me so I said... my boyfriend left for the Navy yesterday. And he said "oh, well is that it, forget it you get a 0 on your homework and really get over it, you're 17 years old" I was completely pissed and couldnt believe how he changed his tune from a concerned teacher to a total bastard in mere seconds. Not long ago my mother ran into his wife somewhere and told her the story of how I still talk about it today of how insensitive he was and how I married that boy and was still married with 4 kids, blah, blah, blah...I dont think he cared any more now or even gave it a second thought. That is what is sad about teachers. They can have such an impact on their students, and they so often fail to recognize that and take that very seriously. Screw you Mr. Bernstein.

Back in black
I hit the sack
It's been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging around
I've been looking at the sky
and it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cats eyes
Cruisin' every woman, never wonderin' why

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Ok Seriously. I had to look up the lyrics to this and I realize that I have never known any of them. I just sing along to Back in Black I hit the sack its been too long blah blah blah... I just make up my own words I guess. This song was popular at my 9th grade birthday party. I had a sleepover and all I wanted was the Back in Black album, which my best friend Anna got me. I had a bunch of girls over and as always with girls someone started talking about someone else when they went to the bathroom. A huge fight broke out and half the girls slept in my room while the other half slept in the den. I was really desperate to be friends with the bad kids by now and I had succeeded a little so half the party was the "cool" kids I wanted to be and the other half were great friends that I had been friends with forever. I completely ignored my old friends and I am pretty sure this is the last time most of them talked to me. I was a horrible child and teenager. I was abusive to my parents and probably my sister. I was not a good friend and would easily stab you in the back if I thought it would raise my social level at all. I had no allegiance to anyone. I lacked any confidence at all and I rated my self worth by the people I surrounded myself with. I was a cheerleader and got involved with older girls and people that today I would never let my kids be around. I was the kind of kid that would have joined a cult if the "cool" kids were doing it. It has taken me a lot of years to get past that feeling of not being good enough. I can honestly say at 40, it felt like a weight had been lifted and now I am just me, and I really feel good about that.

When someone said count your blessings now cause there long gone i guess i just didnt know how i was all wrong, But they knew better, still you said forever, who knew. I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again, and i wont forget you my friend what happened. If someone said 3 years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out because their all wrong and that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again, and the time makes it harder I wish I could remember.But i keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling who knew.

This is a little harder. I hesitated talking about this mostly because I always wonder someday if she will ever see this blog. Or someone else that will feel uncomfortable with the story. Unlike me I am going to try and tell it without it being skewed to my side. I will tell it unbiasly. I never had a relationship with my sister, Merry. never. we were 4 and 1/2 years apart in age and 5 years apart in school. We were just never on the same page. I was a cheerleader, she played sports. i was getting into trouble she was a rule follower. We were always at different stages of our life. I got married at 18, she was 14. She went off to college at 18, I already had 2 kids. It was partly circumstances, partly personalities. I was meek and nonconfrontational,she was in your face, always telling you exactly what she thought. So all the years go by, I lived away for awhile i moved back home. She laughs about it but seriously she never once babysit my kids or changed a diaper. Never not one time. She wasnt interested, that was really ok with me at the time. I dont remember wanting her to be around, but I always desperately yearned for a sister relationship. I was reminded of how she never watched my kids today when I was telling Daughter 3 about how i used to work in the coatroom when hubby bartended when daughters 1 and 2 were little. i would put them to bed and then my sister in law who was going through radiation treatments for Hodgkins disease would come over and lay on my couch sick as a dog and stay with them while I worked. I never paid her a dime, she would never take it. She was 18, undergoing cancer treatment, going to college and she just wanted to help us out.

So the story goes when my hubby had cancer, merrys husband(they werent married at the time) tizzy took care of daughter 3 while my mother took care of 1 and 2. D3 was between 4-8 weeks old when we were finding out about the cancer and having the surgeries. At their wedding I was the maid of honor, i spent thousands of dollars on the most special gifts for her bridal shower, her engagment gifts, and believe me we didnt have the money, i just wanted it to be so special for my only sister. I really felt like I wanted the relationship way more than she did. Maybe I am wrong and I would be willing to admit that but honestly she never seemed to want me in her life as much as I wanted her. Years and years go by basically we see each other on birthdays, holidays, etc. I hate to point this out but i must, after the falling out with my parents and my sister and tizzy, actually it was before that... i started having every holiday at my house, it was just easier, i had christmas eve, christmas day, thanksgiving, on a rare occasion we would have one of the holidays at my mothers but it was easier with my kids and hubby helping me prepare and really i loved to do it. My mom would buy some of the supplies, but we always assigned my sister something easy, bring the soda or dessert after all she worked all day, she's tired, i never minded this either until all this other stuff happened.

I am rambling and honestly if you dont know this story it is making very little sense. Let me clear it up.

I feel like I was a good sister, I really tried to be there for her but I am sure I wasnt always what she wanted me to be either. I wanted to but our personalities clashed so much, I was very intimidated by her presence. when Tizzy got hurt (read previous blogs) I dropped everything. As far as i was concerned the past was over there was only today and i would be and do everything that was humanly possible for her. I lost a lot. I sacrificed my business, my kids, my hubby. I wanted only for Tizzy to be ok. I never thougt about the long term effects on me and mine, only her and hers. i am sorry. No matter what her side is (and she does have a different side i found out when she and i went to therapy together) she turned her back on me the only time I ever needed her more than i could stand it. The other times i let it go. She wasnt there for me when any of my kids were born, when my husband was sick, when life handed me crap over and over again. Never once was she there to help pick up the pieces. And i gave up everything i held close to my heart for her benefit. and she took it and then walked away. for real. she walked away from me and then when i needed her instead of being able to put it behind her like i did when she needed me, she left me.

there is a cat outside my car window while i am sitting in the care typing this. Random and wierd I know. Is it some kind of sign?

ok sorry, but i am having an unbearable time getting over this. i have changed a lot. i really feel ok with the way things are now. but when the song comes on it brings me right back.

I'm slowly getting closure, i guess its really over, i'm finally getting better,and now i'm picking up the pieces ,spending all those years,putting my heart back together, cause the day i thought i'd never get through I got over you.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Weird random thoughts

I was in 7-11 this morning getting coffee in Syosset, which if you arent familiar with Long Island, is a well to do commnunity, and it was like a twilight zone episode. There were two men at the counter, one was paying for a pack of cigarettes and a lottery ticket with dimes, nickels and pennies. The other guy was arguing heatedly with the guy behind the counter that he had given him a 5 instead of 3 singles. It was bizarre really. One guy counting out change the other guy arguing.

It freaked me out a little after watching One Tree Hill last night.

Why did they have to kill Q? Really, in a gas station robbery shooting?

It did get me thinking though of how many times there are weird things going on inside gas stations and convenience stores and how little we are aware of our own existence.

I know you are thinking why do I have to make every random thought into something outlandish and "deep". This is why I am up nights. My brain just doesnt shut off. I kept thinking about time and relationships and how long we have here on Earth.

I am 40 which means that if I live as long as I have already lived my life is half over. And what have I done? And who have I been? And do these things really matter?

My biggest problem is that I dont think people think like I do. I think I am back to being alone in the blue group(read previous blogs for this reference) and I am struggling with how to effectively accomplish my plan while dealing with complete idiots on a daily basis.

I spend most of my nights thinking about the past and the future and why some of the things I have experienced in my life made me who I am today. I focus on my lost relationships and try to replay them to see if I could have changed anything. I never like losing a friend.

I wonder why people cant see everything my way especially when I have a good argument. I want the people who hurt me in my life to know and feel some sort of regret for what they did.

But most dont which makes me stay up nights plotting my revenge.

I want their to be more people like me.

I am continually baffled by behavior that seems to completely go against the ten commandments because although they are religious, they really make sense. What if everyone was just nice to each other? What if even though I think you may be the biggest idiot I have ever met I respect your right to do it?

Yeah but then these people reproduce and infect all the hard work I have put into raising my kids to be different.

This is a completely irrational blog. I know. But I have to pee, my computer is going dead and I am so hungry. Thats my excuse and I am sticking to it.