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Saturday, August 8, 2009

You'll Think of Me

A Hidden Message!!!

Cleaning Out Our Basement

I found this among some other stuff in our basement.

And tell me again why their is a Father Daughter Dance at a wedding, when its the mom who has to listen to all the complaining???

D4's First Day of School Writing September 5, 2003 Ms. Mahoney's third grade class

My Dad said if I hurt my feet he would have to cut my feet off. So I never complain. My Dad said that about everything else. So now I know never ever to complain to him.

I love my Grammy. I love her pool.

Freaks I'd Love To Know

I wrote this one year when I was dropping D3 at the Long Island High School for The Arts Prom. I just found it as we were cleaning out the basement. She just returned from a Theater Program where she met people even more like herself and the answer is yes there are more of them.

It's a group of freaks I leave her with. And I guess I mean freaks in the sense that they dont fit into the horrible social click of a world they call high school.

When I was young wer were still buying into high school being the best years of your life. We've gotten over that false picture someone put in our heads. No one even implies the years of social agony you endure while attempting to get an education can some somehow be classified as the best.

Freaks, I guess they are classified as, or a step further, drama freaks. They love to sing and act and play , they will burst into song, beautiful incredible music that escapes from their souls that they bear to the world often.

And get stepped on even more.

They are real, so real in fact people dont know what to do with them.They're labeled, like jocks, or cheerleaders but with a label that says you're not worth my time.

But Oh they are. I recently had the opportunity to attend a cabaret performance that made my eyes water and my heart ache. Their music touched my soul. Their confidence on their terms, in their space made me so proud of them and for them.

I spent that night with my daughter and her friend. They were real to each other and to others in their freak world.

I believed for one second that their is hope. That somehow in this whole world they found each other.

Are there more of them out there? I hope so.

These are people no one takes the time to know because it's a little harder. They are socially awkward, sometimes seeming so young, sometimes older beyond their years.

I feel more comfortable leaving my daugher with these freaks. They tell her she's a beautiful person, they honor her uniqueness, they cultivate her friendship, they learn from her and they teach her because they are real.

Real people who are interesting and smart and fun and talented, oh so talented.

Life for them speaks in music, not words.

And their song is always in their hearts.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Same Time...Next Year....

What does this all mean? Wouldnt you all like to know?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

My Boring Life

With nothing to do but blog you would think I would blog more.

Here is what happens though.

If I have nothing to do, I have nothing to blog about.

So I have time to blog but nothing to comment on.


I have been silent for days.

I dont have anything to say.

Obviously we know that is ridiculous but anything I have to say is boring and lame.

Today the highlight of my day was opening up a brand new blue mascara.

Yeah I guess that is pretty exciting, since each new opened tube is one day closer to never having any blue mascara left.

That is if the Centereach Walmart closes up.

And the phones broke at work so I didnt have to answer any dumb questions, like does that bear have a cute face and please put air holes in my box so my bear can breathe, blah, blah, blah.

And I am into day 5 of a hangover that I didnt even know it was possible to have.

I have a week and a half to hubbys 25 year reunion and my doctor said I cant excercise so how will I lose 30 lbs by then.

I have to go to the endocrinologist tomorrow and he wont believe that there is anything wrong with me so that will be annoying.

D4 has an orthopaedist appt and I am sure will suggest physical therapy and/or MRI.

D3 has an orthopaedist appt on Monday where he will not listen to me either.

I need a panoramic view of my jaw because it appears to have been injured in the accident.

I am trying to find a couch for the basement that D4 just refinished by herself.

My house is a mess and it is possible that the giant Rat has made a second appearance after he came back from the dead.

I am super tired and unable to sleep.

D3's love life is the biggest news I hear about from day to day.

I am bored, boring and counter factual, misled and do I dare say...mistaken.

I am never wrong but perhaps a little off target.

In any case, this blog is boring, my life sucks big time, I am fat, middle aged and tired. I hate everyone, everything and bear calendars.

I am confused, confined and contained.

I want out, of the rat race, the rat infested house, and ratting out.

My computer is dying, my grass is dying and my hair need dying.

Enough of this ridiculous blog, someone in my life do something worth writing about.

And not drinking tequila until your clothes fall off or falling off the wagon.


Oh My God, someone shut me up please, I've started talking and I cant stop.

Help i need somebody, Help me Rhonda, I get by with a little help from my friends,


Sunday, August 2, 2009

I loved her first

This was the father daughter dance song at the wedding I was at on Friday. I think its a giant scam that because I have four daughters I will never get a special dance at my daughters wedding. I never wanted a son but now... I am thinking this is a scam and a half and I want my dance.I mean really who did all the work over all these years, who sat with them while they cried about their life and boys and friends. Me, Me, Me. SCAM. Who came up with this bogus tradition? Do I hear anyone say Mothers Dance???

I cried when I saw them dancing. It was very touching.

This is a beautiful song and the wedding was beautiful.. you know until I threw up on everyone and everything.

Because I knew you... I have been changed for good

Change... that is a word that has been thrown around quite often in the last few months. Change for our world and our economy...change our new president will bring....change of our weather, global warming, severe storms.

People change. Or do they really? Can people really change?

I never liked avocados or obviously guacamole. Never in 41 years did I like it. I tried it multiple times. No not my thing.

Then last year all of a sudden I had guacamole at a party and I loved it. And I love avocados. I want them in my salad and on a sandwich all the time.

Why? What changed that made me suddenly like avocados?

Eating avocados is not really a big deal to anyone or really to me either. It is a change in my life that will go unnoticed and uncared about really, and it should.

No one will stop me from trying to eat avocados or criticize my love of avocados.

So why then are people opposed to other changes that take place in our lives?

True change does not come about often. Maybe it is a slow process that happens and suddenly you wake up at 40 and say wow I am not the same person anymore.

Maybe its a sudden change that occurs when something tragic happens like a death or a traumatic brain injury.

Maybe its when you are in a different environment amongst different people and you see yourself growing in a way that you never even thought possible.

Maybe you meet the person of your dreams and through your life together you teach each other things that change you.

I was in therapy for 5 years. I wanted a big change to happen through that therapy. I wanted to be able to open my mouth and say things like, hey dont cut me in line, or stop hurting my feelings or no I wont wait 2 months for an appointment. I wanted to be assertive. I wanted to get what I wanted when I called credit card companies and cell phone stores.

But mostly I wanted to tell my mother that she was very hurtful sometimes.

That is why I started going.

What I discovered is that that kind of catastrophic change does not happen when you want it to. It doesnt happen like turning on a switch. It really never happened for me the way I wanted it to. Which is why, a month ago when I had a car accident and i knew I wasnt strong enough to explain what I wanted in help from my family I chose not to tell them at all.

Which of course has turned out to bite me in the butt because I was hurt and now have to go to the doctor 3 times a week and it is getting harder and harder to keep this up.

So at a family wedding on Friday, I told my cousins husband that I was seeing a chiropracter and my sister was there and I explained that my neck still hurt and she asked why and I said... I was in a car accident a few weeks ago but I didnt tell mommy because I didnt tell her right away and then it just got too far past the accidnet to tell.

And she looked at me with such pity and disgust and said "How old are you?"

Exactly. I havent changed at all when it comes to my parents. I am still 5 years old, hiding things I didnt want them to know and acting like a child.

They have opposed any change in me over the years and even though I have tried to fight back, with them I just never can.

They want me to be the same obedient Nancy who makes everyone laugh, follows the rules, feels guilty enough to see them and include them even when I dont want to, and never ever be difficult.

Change can come about slowly, or quickly, or never at all.

I believe that changing is part of growing and that if you do not grow as a person every day that you will lead a boring and miserable life.

Growing is learning. Learning who you are and who you want to be.

D3 just came back from a month in theater camp. 12-15 hours a day of intense learning, experiencing, growing. She found out things about herself that she never knew. She talked to someone about her past lives and was amazed to discover a reason for some of her anxiety. She made a friend who has been with her through her past lives and who will forever be in her heart. She met people she loved and people she couldnt stand.

She grew in ways that I am sure we can never see.

The problem with true growth is that it is opposed by people around you who want you to be the same. Your family.

Especially in people who dont know what growth is because they dont experience things the same way others do. Their experiences in life are different and maybe their growth is slower, quicker or not at all.

In any case, I understand why she doesnt want to see anyone from home. They all stayed the same. And she didnt. She grew to a place that is not measurable from any one elses standpoint except her own.

I have seen all my children change over time. Physically and mentally. It is hard for me to see change in them because I see them every day, but I try to recognize it and appreciate it.

I havent always been happy with the changes but I respect their right to find out who they are through these series of changes.

You cant tell a blind person what a sunset looks like or explain the sound of a childs giggle to a deaf person.

You cant express love to someone who is incapable of opening their heart to the possibility of pain.

Life changes. Changing is necessary. I may not be exactly where I wanted to be at this point but I know I can get there because I believe in the possibility of change.

The reason our families oppose our change is because they feel they may be left behind when our growth causes us to change in a direction that doesnt make it comfortable for them to stand still.

And sometimes we have to move on alone. Leaving behind something we once thought could be forever but realize cannot.

Hopefully when you love someone you are both willing to work towards the same goals, and you repsect the other persons need to change or to stay still.

But often when you find that you see things very differently after changing and you may never be able to get that back.

There are times in our lives when change is inevitable and it is only when we can completely look inside ourselves do we see the possibility of long and lasting growth to a new us that will make us happy.

Dont go changing to try and please me....

Because I knew you I have been changed for good.