Sing...sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong

My last couple of blogs were just random and bizarre and I really wanted this blog to be stories that my kids knew or maybe didnt know about me. Weird random thoughts constantly infect my head though and it is not always so easy to organize them into ways that make sense to anyone other than myself.

I relate songs to everything in my life. Every happy or traumatic moment has a song attached to it and when I hear the song it brings me right back to that moment. This is not healthy I am sure as I spend a lot of time reliving the past and wondering if I could have done it differently.

When we lived in Florida, near the military base , our friends were all from Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana, all the deep south as far as I was concerned. They were afraid that when we moved into the apartment complex they were all living in that we would rob them being from NY and all. Anyway... they always talked about the Civil War and how they could have done it differently to have won. I swear this was a constant topic of conversation. They had groups where you could go and replan the battles of the Civil War so the South could win.

In any case that is what I always think of when I try to "fix" the past in my head and wonder if I could have won the war.

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that I'm sure... and I just cant wait for the day when you walk through the door. Now dont want you back for the weekend, not back for a day, No baby I just want you back and I want you to stay...Every time I go for the mailbox gotta hold myself down, cause I just cant wait til you write me your coming around... walking on sunshine... yeah... walking on sunshine.

Ok that was from when Hubby and I were dating and he was away in the Navy. Lots of good lyrics. They played that at our wedding. It brings me right back to the days when I was a senior in high school and all I wanted was to be with hubby and be done with school. I was in Sociology the day after hubby left for the Navy and I was just crying the whole day. I couldnt bear that I wouldnt see him again for at least 8 weeks or even talk to him for that matter.So my sociology teacher, Mr. Bernstein, asked me what was wrong and why I didnt have my homework to hand in. I was very quiet in school and would very rarely trust a teacher but he seemed genuinely concerned and wanting to help me so I said... my boyfriend left for the Navy yesterday. And he said "oh, well is that it, forget it you get a 0 on your homework and really get over it, you're 17 years old" I was completely pissed and couldnt believe how he changed his tune from a concerned teacher to a total bastard in mere seconds. Not long ago my mother ran into his wife somewhere and told her the story of how I still talk about it today of how insensitive he was and how I married that boy and was still married with 4 kids, blah, blah, blah...I dont think he cared any more now or even gave it a second thought. That is what is sad about teachers. They can have such an impact on their students, and they so often fail to recognize that and take that very seriously. Screw you Mr. Bernstein.

Back in black
I hit the sack
It's been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging around
I've been looking at the sky
and it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cats eyes
Cruisin' every woman, never wonderin' why

CHORUS:
'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Ok Seriously. I had to look up the lyrics to this and I realize that I have never known any of them. I just sing along to Back in Black I hit the sack its been too long blah blah blah... I just make up my own words I guess. This song was popular at my 9th grade birthday party. I had a sleepover and all I wanted was the Back in Black album, which my best friend Anna got me. I had a bunch of girls over and as always with girls someone started talking about someone else when they went to the bathroom. A huge fight broke out and half the girls slept in my room while the other half slept in the den. I was really desperate to be friends with the bad kids by now and I had succeeded a little so half the party was the "cool" kids I wanted to be and the other half were great friends that I had been friends with forever. I completely ignored my old friends and I am pretty sure this is the last time most of them talked to me. I was a horrible child and teenager. I was abusive to my parents and probably my sister. I was not a good friend and would easily stab you in the back if I thought it would raise my social level at all. I had no allegiance to anyone. I lacked any confidence at all and I rated my self worth by the people I surrounded myself with. I was a cheerleader and got involved with older girls and people that today I would never let my kids be around. I was the kind of kid that would have joined a cult if the "cool" kids were doing it. It has taken me a lot of years to get past that feeling of not being good enough. I can honestly say at 40, it felt like a weight had been lifted and now I am just me, and I really feel good about that.

When someone said count your blessings now cause there long gone i guess i just didnt know how i was all wrong, But they knew better, still you said forever, who knew. I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again, and i wont forget you my friend what happened. If someone said 3 years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out because their all wrong and that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again, and the time makes it harder I wish I could remember.But i keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling who knew.

This is a little harder. I hesitated talking about this mostly because I always wonder someday if she will ever see this blog. Or someone else that will feel uncomfortable with the story. Unlike me I am going to try and tell it without it being skewed to my side. I will tell it unbiasly. I never had a relationship with my sister, Merry. never. we were 4 and 1/2 years apart in age and 5 years apart in school. We were just never on the same page. I was a cheerleader, she played sports. i was getting into trouble she was a rule follower. We were always at different stages of our life. I got married at 18, she was 14. She went off to college at 18, I already had 2 kids. It was partly circumstances, partly personalities. I was meek and nonconfrontational,she was in your face, always telling you exactly what she thought. So all the years go by, I lived away for awhile i moved back home. She laughs about it but seriously she never once babysit my kids or changed a diaper. Never not one time. She wasnt interested, that was really ok with me at the time. I dont remember wanting her to be around, but I always desperately yearned for a sister relationship. I was reminded of how she never watched my kids today when I was telling Daughter 3 about how i used to work in the coatroom when hubby bartended when daughters 1 and 2 were little. i would put them to bed and then my sister in law who was going through radiation treatments for Hodgkins disease would come over and lay on my couch sick as a dog and stay with them while I worked. I never paid her a dime, she would never take it. She was 18, undergoing cancer treatment, going to college and she just wanted to help us out.

So the story goes when my hubby had cancer, merrys husband(they werent married at the time) tizzy took care of daughter 3 while my mother took care of 1 and 2. D3 was between 4-8 weeks old when we were finding out about the cancer and having the surgeries. At their wedding I was the maid of honor, i spent thousands of dollars on the most special gifts for her bridal shower, her engagment gifts, and believe me we didnt have the money, i just wanted it to be so special for my only sister. I really felt like I wanted the relationship way more than she did. Maybe I am wrong and I would be willing to admit that but honestly she never seemed to want me in her life as much as I wanted her. Years and years go by basically we see each other on birthdays, holidays, etc. I hate to point this out but i must, after the falling out with my parents and my sister and tizzy, actually it was before that... i started having every holiday at my house, it was just easier, i had christmas eve, christmas day, thanksgiving, on a rare occasion we would have one of the holidays at my mothers but it was easier with my kids and hubby helping me prepare and really i loved to do it. My mom would buy some of the supplies, but we always assigned my sister something easy, bring the soda or dessert after all she worked all day, she's tired, i never minded this either until all this other stuff happened.

I am rambling and honestly if you dont know this story it is making very little sense. Let me clear it up.

I feel like I was a good sister, I really tried to be there for her but I am sure I wasnt always what she wanted me to be either. I wanted to but our personalities clashed so much, I was very intimidated by her presence. when Tizzy got hurt (read previous blogs) I dropped everything. As far as i was concerned the past was over there was only today and i would be and do everything that was humanly possible for her. I lost a lot. I sacrificed my business, my kids, my hubby. I wanted only for Tizzy to be ok. I never thougt about the long term effects on me and mine, only her and hers. i am sorry. No matter what her side is (and she does have a different side i found out when she and i went to therapy together) she turned her back on me the only time I ever needed her more than i could stand it. The other times i let it go. She wasnt there for me when any of my kids were born, when my husband was sick, when life handed me crap over and over again. Never once was she there to help pick up the pieces. And i gave up everything i held close to my heart for her benefit. and she took it and then walked away. for real. she walked away from me and then when i needed her instead of being able to put it behind her like i did when she needed me, she left me.

there is a cat outside my car window while i am sitting in the care typing this. Random and wierd I know. Is it some kind of sign?

ok sorry, but i am having an unbearable time getting over this. i have changed a lot. i really feel ok with the way things are now. but when the song comes on it brings me right back.



I'm slowly getting closure, i guess its really over, i'm finally getting better,and now i'm picking up the pieces ,spending all those years,putting my heart back together, cause the day i thought i'd never get through I got over you.