I'm BACK

Dear Frenzied Fans,
I have returned for a short spurt of power blogging. I officially finished all my classes, handed in all final work yesterday and now have even registered for summer, which will start in exactly two and a half weeks. That is all you have me for and then you will only see me on twitter as I frantically wonder why I continue to overwhelm myself with way too much to do and never enough time to do it.

anyhoodle...

I wanted to start blogging sooner but I somehow started on an Amazon quest to look for something for D3's boyfriend for graduation and then I remembered I had a cousin who needed a graduation gift and then.. well you know it all went to hell.

So Here is my long awaited blog....


Boys are like Dogs...

Before you start making cracks like no... dogs are way cuter than boys... just hear me out. I have a lot to say on this subject. (Dont I always)

First off boys are like dogs because they have to be trained. From the time they are puppies. If you cannot get to your puppy before they are trained by someone else you might be in trouble. Old dogs cannot learn new tricks contrary to popular belief and once a dog is peeing on your carpet... well its hard to retrain without a lot of failures and heartaches. You can cage them but as soon as they are free... peeing everywhere.

Now this implies you need to meet your boy/dog when they are young...kind of... My friend and I at work have decided that everyone we know who is in a happy (and i used that word loosely when you have been married for 25 years)committed marriage has been together since high school.

dont panic college girls. Your puppies just spent the last 4 years drunk and stupid so they still can be molded into the perfect boy. It just takes a little extra work and you need to look out for the good base.

For instance... a golden retriever... good base... trainable even after they are ruined by their mother/other girlfriend/themself. Chiahuaha... no not so much... so look for the golden retrievers ladies.... they are sweet on the inside down to the core and they feel really bad when they poop on the carpet and dissapoint you.

My dog... (and i mean my real dog, not my husband) would look at you and say... screw you I couldnt hold it in. I tried. But I failed. Get over it.

You do not want a man like a chiahuaha... and that usually comes with the short mans attitude and an inferiority complex. You know cops, firemen, men who are a little short in the you know what department so they need to make it up by carrying a big gun or firehose.

Ok so to train your boy/dog you need to follow a few simple rules. What I like to do is praise them like its their idea when you have clearly told them what to do..

For instance... you put a treat just out of their reach and you say... stay... stay... this is just so they know you are in charge.... and then you say ok go get your treat... and then you make it seem like it was their idea... good boy... good boy... what a good job you did staying....you were so good at that... wow you are amazing... lalalalala .... you get the idea right?

You need to state over and over again (because boys and men and puppies never listen)
exactly what you want. I wish I could tell you that after all these years they eventually can think on their own but lets be serious... you have to keep updating your training and lets face it why do dogs still need to be on a leash after you have had them for 10 years. Exactly... because boys are like dogs and they still dont listen when there is something they want to run after... be it another dog... another girl... beer... whatever... just keep your dog/boy on a really short leash.

So dont think that after all those years together they will know that you need ice cream when you call and say... wow my day sucked. You say... please bring me home Ben and Jerrys NY Superfudge Chunk and then when they get home you praise them like it was their idea... Wow what a good boy you are you remembered how much I love ice cream when I am sad.

Sometimes I like to do a little test and say... ok go to 7-11 and bring me home my favorite candy bar. It usually causes complete panic but it gives you a little insight into where you are in your training schedule.

They get some points but not all if they contact your kids and say holy crap what is mommys favorite candy bar. If they come home with 5 candy bars and you have eaten every one of them at one point in your life, that gets some points too. I mean we are dealing with boys here. Dont expect too much. If they come home with a snickers when you are deathly allergic to peanuts, you have a bigger problem on your hands and I would say trade that boy into the shelter and take your chances with a dog from the pound because really you couldnt do any worse.

Just remember these tips... dogs will do anything for meat... and so will boys.... dont be fooled by that... you need to make sure that they will do anything even when they are not getting the meat at the end and you can accmplish this by offering and then repealing the invitation. See if your dog growls, barks or bites, because if they do... get rid of it... there are no cures for growlers, barkers or biters. They cannot be retrained and other than finding some homeless dog for them to be with they should really be put to sleep. There is no place on the Earth for biting dogs.

Boys and dogs like to mark their territory. For dogs we know they pee on everything but basically this is what boys are doing also when they put a hickey on your neck, buy you a sweatshirt that says I love my boyfriend or ask you to where their varsity jacket or high school ring (ok i am going back to the 50's here but you know what i mean)

Now its facebook. They pee on you by leaving messages on your facebook that clearly says.. "stay away from my girlfriend" or "so and so is in a relationship with..." yeah... you are marked. Its ok if you are in it for the long haul but if you are still pounding the pavement for that perfect puppy... dont let them mark you.

Dogs like to hang around in packs. Do not allow this. Divide and conquer. Boys and dogs in large packs can be dangerous. Suddenly they think farting and burping is cool when they are all together. it is like all your training goes down the tubes. You need to be constantly monitoring their behavior when they are in large groups. Especially when they are off the leash like at baseball games or bachelor parties. This could require an intense training session that might even require a swat on the nose. Keep a close eye out for this and if it starts to go bad get them back on the leash.

There are times when you are going to be tempted to let them out on their own. I mean you are tired and sick of the constant training. This is okay but dont make this a habit. You will see just how fast all this untraining will take place. Before you can say "Fetch" they will start having thoughts of their own. They might even think they can train you. This is the time to use the electric collar if need be. That would be cause for drastic measures. You cannot, I repeat cannot have them thinking that they can in any way train you.

Dogs need attention and some dogs are good about asking nicely, sitting quietly next to you until you pay attention to them. Others are in your face jumping up and down pet me pet me. This is your own personal decision. What kind of a boy do you want... the one who can sit and wait or the one pursuing you? Either way just make sure you have your leash in one hand and you box of training treats in the other.

Dogs are usually very loyal but if you encounter a dog who want to leave and hang out with another family.. just let them go. Stray dogs usually get hit by cars... so that is your revenge and you can start over fresh with an untainted puppy. It is probably better that way anyway.

I am sorry if any dogs were insulted by being compared to boys. No dogs were harmed in the making of this blog. Boys on the other hand....SIT!





Can you spot the good dog?


Yes this is a trick question...

he is the one behind the camera taking a picture of me in the Dominican Republic...

after he took this picture he hugged me real tight and said you are beautiful and amazing in respnse to the fact that we had been traveling for hours and had to switch to a different airport and take a two hour crazy ride to our resort. I am kinda easy going like that and he loves me for it.

Good boy!