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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Shitting in a hole

As you can guess from this title, I am having cesspool problems again.

Like all other things that constantly fail in my life I have given up the expectation that they will work.

Sooo... I was not surprised yesterday when I heard a weird sound coming from the sink.

It was kind of a groaning, whining, clanging sound.

Apparently it was the sound of sewage backing up into my downstairs bathroom.

Who knew? I guess I am not a cesspool expert.

What I do know is that the genius who keeps coming here to fix it has a different idea everytime, but last night at 8pm when he was stepping in toilet paper and poop from what looked like 2 days he came up with a doozy.

"The cesspool is like a concrete coffin. It has different chambers that fill up with waste but the concrete dividers stop the solid waste from moving from chamber to chamber. The water moves back and forth but the solids they would need to be pumped out because... lalala blah blah blah...give us money and we will screw you again. 750 dollars wasnt enough."

So hubby, who always blindly believes the cesspool people because he is not a cesspool person and he does not play one on tv, tried to explain to me why this makes sense.

"The cesspool is a solid block of concrete because its old, the new ones have holes in them so waste can seep out, blah blah blah lalala."

So my question is this...
How barbaric is this ritual we have?
We bury a concrete coffin into our front yard... and we shit in it.
For real.

I can turn on my computer today and talk live to someone in China. I can get medical information from someone in Australia. We can reattach hands and feet, cure people with cancer, transfer millions of dollars instantly from a bank in Switzerland to a bank in Mt. Sinai, engineer bigger lobsters, juicier apples, genetic engineer little perfect babies with blue eyes, give birth to healthy octuplets, and buy retro toys from the 70's on ebay like Mrs. Beasley and the careers game.

Yet we cannot invent anything more advanced than a cesspool so we shit in a hole.

Yeah, we open a porcelain hole and we shit in it and flush it out to our front lawn.

Or in my case, we try to flush it out to the front lawn but it comes back into the house. Into the downstairs toilet, with everything we washed down the drain from dinner and anything from the dishwasher.

Is there no super powered technologically advanced way of getting rid of Waste?
Why have we settled for this?

I heard some rumors about sewers in the city that transport waste in a better way.. but what because we live in the suburbs free of cockroaches and noise at 7am we cant get this so called "better waste system"

I have insomnia and if you have ever seen Fight Club, insomnia can make you do some pretty weird things.

I have been reading old blogs and i found out a few things.

I was way funnier last year before cesspools and sick husbands and kids with pain in their knees and their hearts made me very unfunny.

I have already forgotten lots of what I wrote down already and I need to double time it with all my stories before the mad cow takes over.

and the brain shrinkage.

Insomnia, Fight Club, its all making sense.
Delusions of grandeur.

Delusions that cesspools will work, knees will heal, cockroaches will die under Little Women and women will raise good boys that dont break hearts to be selfish.

Or should I just build an outhouse?


Erin said...

Cockroaches do die under Little Women. The problem is how to get rid of the body when you are deathly afraid of bugs and too scared to move the book. Still working on that...