Passion

I have never seen the movie Serendipity but D4 was watching it on TV this afternoon and I caught the end of it. I basically know the premise, something about destiny and finding the one person in this world to love. In any case, the guy in it was going to get married, settling for someone other than his soul mate that he couldnt find and he decided against it. His best man is like, oh good, because instead of writing a best man speech, i wrote an obituary for you. what? yeah because your soul was going to die if you married that girl who was not your soul mate.

Then the best man says, you know the greeks dont write obituaries they just ask one question when someone dies... did he have passion?

I spent the morning reading letters that Hubby had written me from Boot Camp and then all the months we were seperated and I discovered some really important things that I had forgotten.

We were bad. If I didnt have 4 children who would be horrified by more information than that I would clue you in... but for real we did some crazy stuff.

Is passion the same as lust?

Why did I think we were so grown up when our letters just proved how immature and unrealistic we were? I wanted a baby 5 minutes after we were married. Why? We were 18 and 19, just children ourselves and yet we, or should I say, I wanted desperately to have something that was just ours to love and care for. We could barely take care of ourselves at the time and yet there we were just 6 months later, pregnant and 9 months after that, parents.

Hubby did like hugs at one time and perhaps they were saved just for me but... again where have i failed my family that they do not appreciate a good hug from someone? Hugging is intimate, it creates a closeness that brings you together. I love to hug my family but they hate it so I try to control it. I love to hug my cousins and they are all great huggers too. When we get together and hug, it lasts minutes because neither of us wants to let go first. We hug each other tight and long because we have to make up for all the time we havent hugged. I would kill for a hug from my cousin Janice or Dawn right now.

Hubby told me he loved me after we were together for 2 weeks. I didnt remember that. In fact I thought I told him at 1 month and he didnt respond. That is how I remember it, apparently my memory was flawed because I found a letter today that said "I dont know if you know this because I never told you but I love you" The letter was dated August 15, 1984. Our official going out date is July 30th, 1984. So he loved me that quick. And for this long. I still find it hard to believe that this summer we will have been together for 25 years. And known each other for a little longer than that, maybe 2 years before. It's hard to love someone for this long, yet we have done it,so far, you know except for the snoring.

When we were together for like 3 months I couldnt stand how nice he was to me and I wanted the relationship to end. In my defense I think my parents constant fighting scarred me from truly appreciating when someone was being nice to me and I equated niceness with weakness not strength like I now believe it is. He wrote me a beautiful letter asking me what I wanted from him. Did I want him to leave me alone or could we still be together? I think it said "If you can still see us together we can go back to making more beautiful memories like the ones we have already made" He left a white stuffed bear on my car at work and when I asked him how he knew if maybe someone stole it off my car, he said "I waited in the parking lot to make sure you got it" I still didnt think I could live with someone so nice and we were apart for like 3 months until I came to my senses. I cannot for the life of me remember what made me appreciate him but I am thankful that I did because my life with him is something that I dont think I could have lived without. He has made me into a better person and besides the four amazing daughters I have, he has brought so much love and joy to my world, snoring and all.

Our early days together were filled with passion(or lust)I cant tell the difference. And so much constant confirming how much in love we were and how much we couldnt live without each other. We said it all the time and begged each other in an unspoken way to confirm to each other how important we were in each others lives. It was so desperate and so immature but yet so filled with love and caring. It is hard to explain and yet I am compelled to explain it. All we had was each other and that is how we wanted it.

We spent many months apart and contrary to popular belief, absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it plays tricks on your mind and makes you believe that life is just fine without that person. I always had trouble being alone and in my senior year of high school after hubby left for the Navy, I was lost and sad and desperate for company. I tried hanging out with hubbys friends and lets just say I didnt realize that boys could be so disgusting to each other. More than one of them hit on me, more than one time and then told hubby that it was me who hit on them. Needless to say we were not friends much longer and I felt more alone than ever.

I was fighting with a lot of people my senior year in high school and couldnt wait to get out. I tried to graduate early but the principal of my school said I should stay to enjoy the senior activities. I wished him dead every day of the rest of that year and low and behold it finally worked and he had a heart attack the night before we graduated. Sickly I did not feel sad nor do I feel any regret now. Yes the message is dont piss me off. My voodoo spells work if I put my mind to it and since I havent slept in over a week, I have plenty of time for spells.

I digress.

Love can start at any time. I dont think there is an official time when you can safely say I love you and know for sure that the other person feels the same way or will say it back. Love changes so much that yes at 2 weeks you can feel something that seems like love. It starts off with passion and passion is as intense as love but it doesnt last. Passion is something that burns within you and replaces loneliness with a feeling that fills you up. It feels like love but it fades. Passion is great while things are good. Passion is quick to flee when things are bad. It is hard to feel passionate about anything when the toilets are overflowing and the kids have the croup and there isnt enough money to pay the bills. Or when you are overweight or have lost the perkiness in your boobs by breastfeeding too many damn kids. Or day in day out you go through the motions and dont have any time alone to rekindle the passion. It is hard to keep it going and that is why relationships fail. Because ultimately the only relationship that will last is a deep and permanent friendship, one that is cultivated over time.

If you cannot talk to your significant other about your hopes, dreams and fears now you will never be able to do it later. It needs to be there right from the beginning. Trust.. I trust that I can tell him my deepest darkest thoughts and he will be able to hear them from me. Really hear me say things that are important to me even if as a primitive man he only has enough blood to use for one organ and he chooses to use it for his brain when I need him to.

Passion is replaced by love, love is created by friendship. Time goes by and our love is changing, always changing. Did he have passion? Of course at one time we all have had passion. Did we think it was love? Sure we did, but hubby and I, we were lucky enough to have more than that. We were friends. We reached out of our loneliness and we held on to each other and through all the tornadoes and collapses we held on. We were so young and so naive and yet we both wanted the same things. We wanted it all, the friendship, the passion, the love, we wanted it and we wanted to make it grow. We built our life on it and over the years as things got harder, it was our passion for our friendship that made it last. It was our passion for respect that made it last.

Through all the letters i read this morning I remembered things I had forgotten about our relationship. How desperate we were to make it work. How us against the world we made our life together. How deep passion has grown into love, love that transcends time and distance. Distance forced us to evaluate the realness of it. We didnt have the luxury of blind passion, we had the luxury of long precious letters. Letters that can be reread when the going gets tough and the passion seems to have faded.

i havent looked at those letters in a long time and since this has been a seriously sucky week I am glad I looked at them today. It reminded me of quite a few things that I needed to see.

First, we are way better parents than our parents were, because for real, when I flew out to california at 17 years old and had my pocketbook stolen that first night and had to ask for help, what the hell were my parents thinking? they were so irresponsible in letting me go. and i was so young and stupid to think that i should be allowed.

Second, we made it despite some stupid mistakes. And I worry so much lately(which is why i cant sleep)and I spend my nights thinking how will my kids survive in this world. How will D1 find a job in this economy, can D2 really continue along partying her way through Europe, D3, oh forget about that, my anxiety over her ranges from decisions I made years ago to have her skip a grade to whether or not she will be ok next year in college to why wont they let her go to All State Nyssma, and D4, I worry that with the way things are going i will not be strong enough to continue my stalking of her when its needed and necessary.

But my kids will make it too. They have a good base and they will survive like we did, making their own stupid mistakes and going on, because they have to, they have passion for life, and that is what you need in the moments of darkness.

Third, we didnt have facebook, we didnt have text messaging, we had letters, hand written that i can go back and look at. So I can remember. when the going gets tough I can take those letters out of their precious place in my closet and hold them in my hands and remember what I was doing when I held those letter 24 years ago. I forgot we were that young, so full of life, so incapable of listening to our parents wisdom. We bared our souls to each other, leaving us raw and exposed and together we healed our wounds so that we could become the people we wanted to, the people we have grown into because of each others tenderness in caring for the other when it was needed.

Fourth, we started off with nothing and amidst the chaos of our life we have built something that is unique and precious. We accomplished what very few people have. We are in our 40's, we have amazing children that are out paving their way in the world and we love each other still. I dont know that the things we said in those letters could ever or should ever be repeated but it was fun to look back and remember how little we had and how much we have now.

I stay up nights wondering what I did wrong and why I didnt notice it sooner. Why at 41 years old do I feel incapable of handling my children and how at 41 am I going to be the mom I was years ago, planning special things, doing for everyone equally? Where did my passion go? How can I get it back?

I found my soul mate. I never doubted for a second that we would be able to make it through. In the old letters I found today, there was desperation, there was immaturity, there was lust and neediness but underneath all that was passion for a life that we longed to have. And we do.

and all because two people fell in love. At 2 weeks. And forever.

Let me explain....

ok maybe i should have explained that last blog a little better. My friend and I at work, although most days being far too busy to talk, were disussing our most vivid and amusing childhood rhymes. And my friend said they should be written down somewhere to be preserved for all time. I completely agreed as things like that should never be allowed to dissapear after a generation. so i began a search of all that is right with the previous generations and to prove all that is wrong with the current one.

Do children even sit together clapping hands and singing inappropriate rhymes anymore? No they do not. They play video games or they spend hours on Facebook but no clapping and singing about enemies or diarrhea. Its a sad statement of the way the world has become.

When we were young most boys were well... boys. They didnt have more hair products than I do and they didnt dress like Abercrombie models. They wore Wrangler jeans and t-shirts and sweatshirts and as long as they didnt smell like ass, well all was good. None of this metrosexual stuff. Just pure manly men.

We didnt have cell phones, facebook, IMing, skype, oovoo or any way to get in touch with people other than the home phone of which there was only one of and usually in the kitchen. If you were on the phone too long, the person got a busy signal and oh well, they couldnt reach you.

We were always wrong if the teacher said we were. Our parents did not defend us in any way. No matter if we were right or not. God forbid a teacher called home or sent a letter. We were dead. And dead meant not going out or talking on the phone or watching our 13 channels of tv. Dead meant sitting in your room suffering. Dead sometimes meant being hit, really our parents hit us and we never even considered calling child protective services.

We did smoke and drink and somehow got away with it more than you ever could now. Probably because the drinking and smoking age was way lower and our parents smoked and drank also. We did dangerous stupid things and thankfully are still alive today because some of our friends werent so lucky. Hubby and I had multiple friends who died in car crashes while drunk or high. It was terrible to watch a child die and we saw it often.

We ate at home all the time. We couldnt afford to go out except on holidays. We ate things filled with artificial colors that they later determined caused cancer. We ate fried fish sticks, boxed macaroni and cheese, canned chef boyardee and tons of tv dinners. Cereal was chosen based on the toy it came with and we fought over that like it was gold. all our cereal was sugar coated, chocolate enhanced and if not we poured sugar on it in our bowl.

We had one pair of shoes and one pair of winter boots and one pair of sneakers. We wore hand me downs and shared our clothes with our cousins and neighbors. We patched our jeans when they ripped in the knee and we changed out of our school clothes when we got home so they would last longer.

We spent weekends at our grandparents hanging out with our cousins soaking up family stories and watching our parents drink too much and argue with their siblings. We learned lots of stuff we should never have and then were sworn to secrecy as family matters should be kept private.

On a night like tonight, a Sunday, we would eat early, take our showers and be in clean fresh pjs in time for the sunday night Wonderful World Of Disney which was the only thing on and we all together as a family would sit in front of our only TV and watch it. We watched the commercials like the one for Calgon.



We watched Saturday morning cartoons with public service announcements and educational videos and very important commercials that had messages for young girls like us to see.



We learned from these educational videos and some of them I still remember to this day.





I still know how a bill becomes a law and i know you may not believe this but I have that one on my ipod.

Oh shoot... I showed my progressive behavior by admitting that I own an IPod. Ok I also have a cell phone, a gps, a computer and I know how to use all of them. I know how to stalk my kids on facebook so I know they are alive and well and not doing anything too dangerous. I text instead of talking because well its just way easier that way. I live by the DVR and cant imaging a life now where I would have to be in front of the tv with my pjs on by 7 to see all that I wanted to watch.

At this moment all four of us are on our laptops watching Amazing Race on Dvr so we never have to see a commercial like this one



We can safely speed through and get to the next part of our show without ever having to see anything awkward or uncomfortable





Wow that is creepy isnt it?

The point is somehow we survived our life in the 70's and 80's and you will too. Although you will complain about your parents and the things you didnt have growing up just remember to hold onto to all of your old toys, they will be worth a fortune when you get older, like this one.




And by the time you are my age you can probably beam yourself from one place to the next but you should still find time to spend with those you love, the memories you make today will last long into your future and someday they may be the only things you have left.



Every generation has their complaints and they have their favorite things as well. there are good things we can learn from previous generations and things like koolaid which should be erased forever. life will hopefully continue to evolve and we will continue to sing songs like



and yes i have lost my mind. thanks for noticing. no one else in my family has. they just took away my chocolate and left me here to die.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

I was given a challenge if I chose to accept it and well of course... a challenge is a challenge. So I am not sure I am able to complete the assignment but I will try my best.

Baby Baby stick your head in gravy wash it out with bubble gum and send it to the Navy.

Great Green Globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, little birdies bloody feet, french fried eyeballs rolling in the frying pan but I forgot my spoon so they gave me a... scab sandwich with pus on top, monkeys vomit and camel snot, elephants eyeballs split in two, eat it nancy its good for you.

Beans Beans there good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart, the more you fart the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.

The Adams Family started when Uncle Fester farted, they really are retarded the Adams family.

When you're standin' in the shower
And you smell somethin sour,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're slidin' into home
And your pants are full of foam,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you smell somethin' funky
And your pants are feelin chunky,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're sittin' in a class,
And that fart let out more than gas,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter
diarrhea
diarrhea
When you think its kind of funny
but its really soft and runny
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
Some people think it's gross,
But it's really good on toast!
Diarrhea, diarrhea!

Miss Susie had a tug boat,
her tug boat had a bell (ding ding),
miss Susie went to heaven her tug boat went to HELL...o operator
please give me number nine,
and if you disconnect me I'll cut off your behind the refridgerator
there lay a piece of glass
miss Susie sat upon it and cut her little ASS...k me no more questions,
I'll tell you now more lies
the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flys..are in the meadow,
the bees are in the park,
miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k, dark dark dark.


comet it makes your mouth turn green
comet it tastes like gasoline
comet it makes you vomit
So buy some comet and vomit today

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
the batmobile lost a wheel and the joker got away


Going to kentucky going to the fair to see the senorita with flowers in her hair. Shake it shake it shake it shake it all you can, shake it like a milkshake and do the best you can. rumble to the bottom, rumble to the top turn around and turn around until you make it stop.

All the girls in France
Do the hula hula dance
and the way they shake
is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead
you put diamonds in his head
when the diamonds break
it's enough to bake a cake
when the cake is done
it is 1981
when you tie your shoe
it is 1982
when you get stung by a bee
it is 1983
when you slam a door
it is 1984
when you dance the jive
it is 1985
when you pick up sticks
it is 1986
when you like a boy named devon
it is 1987
when you close the gate
it is 1988
when you're feelin' fine
it is 1989
then it gets all cold
then you
FREEZE!

Chinese Japanese
Dirty Knees
What are these
Boobies

Milk, milk lemonade
'Round the corner fudge is made.
Put your finger in the hole,
Now you got a Tootsie Roll

Miss Susie had a baby
she named him Tiny Tim
She put him in the bath tub
to see if he can swim
He drank up all the water,
he ate up all the soap
He tried to fit the bathtub
but it wouldn't fit his throat
Mrs. Susie called the doctor
The doctor called the nurse
The nurse called the lady
with the alligator purse

oh little playmate
Come out and play with me.
And bring your dollys three.
Climb up my apple tree.
Slide down my rainbow.
Into my cellar door.
And we'll be jolly friends.
For every more
One two three four.
oh little enemy
Come out and fight with me.
And bring your soldiers three.
Climb up my poisonous tree.
I'll bring my bb gun
and we'll have lots of fun
I'll scratch your eyes out
and make you bleed to death
And we'll be be jolly enemies
For ever more One two three four.


Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe if he hollers let him go. My mother said to pick the very best one and you are NOT it.

Down down baby down by the roller coaster sweet sweet baby i'll never let you go, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy pop, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop shimmy shimmy pop

Trick or treat smell my feet.
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care- I'll pull down your underwear.

teddy bear teddy bear turn around,
teddy Bear teddy bear touch the ground,
teddy bear teddy bear go upstairs,
teddy bear teddy bear say your prayers,
teddy bear teddy bear turn off the light,
teddy bear teddy bear say goodnight

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured all the teachers, we have broken every rule.
We have hung the secretary, we have shot the principal,
Our gang goes marching on.
Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Met her at the gate with a loaded .38
And she ain’t gonna teach no more!

Me Chinese, me play joke,
Me put pee-pee in your Coke.

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All dressed in black, black, black
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons
All down her back, back, back.

She asked her mom, mom, mom
For fifty cents, cents, cents,
To see the boys, boys, boys
Pull down their pants, pants, pants.

When someone says "Shut up..."
Reply with "I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up! Then your mother comes around the corner and licks it up!"

Mistakes I have made No eraser big enough

I have made so many mistakes in my life. Actually I am making one right now. I have over 300 pages I have to read for homework yet I am sending rude emails and blogging. Yesterday I made a mistake, I went shopping instead of doing my homework. The day before more mistakes, more shopping, no homework.

Oh procrastination... a mistake I make often over and over again. Isnt that the definition of a moron, someone who does the same things over and over and expects a different result.

The mistakes I make on a daily basis are nothing compared to the catastrophic mistakes that I made that will last forever.

For instance, procrastinating is not such a big mistake but I passed it on to my children and that is a big mistake.

Oh my children... I have made such big mistakes with them, things I can never take back or change now. You know when you dont do a good job training your dog and then for the rest of its life it pees in the house or bites people, yeah those kind of mistakes.

Man I picked a bad week to give up crack.

Another huge mistake I made with the kids... I taught them to use ben and jerrys as a crutch. It used to be we saved ben and jerrys for catastrophic things like death and taxes but now we are like, oh I broke a nail its a ben and jerrys night. I have taught my kids this. When is distress reach for chocolate. I cant undo that. I can barely stop myself. D3 and I were just in 7-11 and they had a 3 lb candy bar that I was eyeing. We laughed because the other night we were talking about whether or not you get butterflies still when you see your boyfriend or husband and I said well do you get butterflies still when you see him like I get when I see that 3 lb Hershey Bar? and this morning while I was looking at it D3 was like oh my god I have never seen your eyes light up like that.

Another mistake... perhaps I have said one too many times Boys are stupid. I thought I was raising my girls to be strong independent women. I wanted them to stand on their own without any need for a boy to take care of them. I think it backfired. They are so independent that boys have become... well expendable. Is that a word? Well I mean that boys dont seem to be permanent fixtures in our house. They come and go... like.... well like Ben and Jerrys. I mean I used to love Neapolitan Dynamite. I used to make Hubby drive to multiple stores if he couldnt find it. No nothing else will do. No I cant buy chocolate fudge brownie and cherry garcia and mix them. No it is not the same thing. You have been to 3 stores already, did you try the 7-11 in MIller Place? they always have it. You havent tried there yet well then you havent tried everywhere.

Now...New York Superfudge Chunk. No I couldnt eat Neapolitan Dynamite. because Neapolitan Dynamite annoys me. Its all in my face, getting on my nerves and stuff. sometimes it has more chocolate fudge brownie and not enough cherry garcia sometimes vice versa. Whatever you know what? I just dont want it anymore. No never. I never want to see it again and if it knocks on my door I am not changing my mind. Even if it offers to change into something better it can never be New York Superfudge Chunk.Ok fine.

I have taught my girls that there are only three boys a girl can trust in her life. Ben, Jerry and her daddy. And only if her daddy is carrying a bag of Ben and Jerrys.

I have not done a good job as a mother. And as I was so busy patting myself on the back criticizing all the other mothers I didnt know until I discovered that my kids have issues. Such as obsessive compulsively trying to get paint spots off the floor, (how did that happen because I could care less) Oh I can blame hubby for that. Or being so irrestible that multiple people stalk them. Oh wait hubby again. Being so competitive in sports and games that they plan revenge on people from one game to the next. Hmmmm hubby again. Being a serious partier and being the life of the party. Yeah not me again.

Ok wait. This is all hubbys fault. I cant believe I have been taking responsibility for these mistakes. They arent mine, they are all genetic traits of hubby and his family.

Oh thank god I am still perfect and yea Boys are still stupid.

nothing to say nothing to do

Yeah right. do you actually believe I have nothing to do and nothing to say? I dont believe either of those things will ever happen.

in any case what i meant to say is that i dont have time to say anything and dont have time to do anything.

plus i feel too sick to do either.

i am wasting hours on my computer, looking at things i wish i didnt, worrying about things that have nothing to do with me.

i have art homework to do. dont laugh, it still takes hours to do it whether or not its too hard or not.

i have cheyenne to do. nah tisenst deh dun. nancy nah hasheveh.

what is your name? My name is Nancy. See I am learning.

So today was full of stress and not so fun. I had to sign the papers saying I give up on sueing the stupid bastard who stole my store.

I was up all night with my favorite daughter holding her hair back as she puked. She is little and furry and black and not feeling so well. and she is my favorite today, because she hasnt yet today, rolled her eyes at me, talked back, fell on her bad knees, talked like mrs swan or asked me to drive her anywhere or pick her up from anywhere. she just looked at me last night and said "mommy i do not feel well" please hug me. and i did. and she said thanks.

She talks to me all the time and seriously if you dont believe that you should not be reading my blog.

she tells me when she is thirsty and no one fills up her water. she tells me when the people at the vet are bad to her. she tells me when she wants a treat and when she thinks the cats are trying to overthrow the world. yes she does speak cat. she spent alot of time with them before we adopted her.

okay really this blog is going nowhere, i am tired, irritated, nervous, sick and i want candy. i want candy and i cant have any because my friend at work and i decided that we should at least do this for 7 days. I already want to quit. For real. I am stressed out and I want candy.

Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy

Welcome to my world where everyones a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies

22 years ago....I had already been in labor for 31 hours, with my parents and my mother in law by my side as my hubby tried to get home from California. He was stationed there in the Navy and I was waiting for the arrival of D1. I bet D1 is doing right now what she was doing 22 years ago, curled up in a ball hoping to never have to face the world again. HaHa It is 630am.

At this point I believe Hubby had left California and was en route to see the birth of his first child. He arrived just 4 hours before she was born and after the epidural. That is when he said the thing that almost made him physically incapable of ever having children again. Oh you look comfortable. Oh yeah... after the epidural.... I had already been in labor since Thursday night at 1130pm. It was now Saturday at 10am. I was 19, exhausted, and petrified.

It was a beautiful weekend, in the 60's and I was stuck in the hospital the whole weekend because in those days they kept you in forever. On Monday I begged to go home because Hubby was leaving Tuesday morning for the Navy. I cried and begged and they finally let me. We had one night together before he went back to Cali and we didnt see him again for 6 weeks.

Those days were so hard, or so I thought. I never imagined how much harder things get. When you have babies and toddlers you cant imagine it getting any more hectic or more ridiculous. But here is the scene from my house the other night.

I am never sick. Never I just dont have time for it. So I started feeling crappy Thursday afternoon. Really I probably woke up feeling crappy but I tried to ignore it because I had too much to do. I had an enormous headache though that would just not go away. So I tried tylenol,then aspirin, then advil. Nothing would get rid of the headache. We were done early at work so I left at 130 and did something else I never do. Laid on the couch the whole day. Didnt move except to get D3 from school, then bring D3 back to school, pick D4 up from school and drop her off at babysitting.
Finally I get home, go back to the couch and I was so sick I couldnt move. I text hubby, the only thing I could possibly think of eating is slice and bake chocolate chip cookies and a big gulp diet coke. So being the excellent husband he is, he gets it for me, brings it home and doesnt even complain that his dinner is cookies. and he makes the cookies.

So I take Aleve, because I have tried everything else and nothing has taken away the pain in my head and the excrutiating pain in my joints. Let me just add that I had been nauseous the whole day, probably after the bacon,egg and cheese, I had for breakfast.

D4 gets home from babysitting, Hubby picks D3 up from her play that she is in, D3 goes to get into the shower and I am laying on the couch, sick, sick ,sick. Hubby goes to bed and D4 is laying on the other couch. All of a sudden we hear this thump and we look over and my precious poopsie Clover is having another seizure. This has been going on for awhile and she had an appointment for a liver sonogram on Friday anyway. But i jump up off the couch and go to hold her which is what I always do when she has a seizure.

Well as soon as I move, I feel it. Total barforama coming. I move to my dog but I cant hold my head up for fear that the vomit is coming.D4 is holding her dog and petting her and saying its ok honey and I am laying with my head on the floor ready to blow. I scream upstairs D3 get out of the bathroom. She comes out wrapped in a towel, about to get into the shower and sees the scene and freaks out. D3 is not the person you want standing by in a crisis.

I run for the bathroom, knowing I have about 4 seconds to lift off and the bathroom is about 5 seconds away.

Side note... i hate to throw up and I havent thrown up in years. Actually not true I threw up a few weeks ago but before that... a long time. I threw up so much when I was pregnant with D1 and D3 that there may be no more vomit left in my body. Literally everyday, all day long, the whole nine months. I know I know and then I still had kids after them but they were perfect babies. Opposite with D2 and D4, good pregnancies, bad babies.

So I am sadly puking up all my cookies, haha, pun intended and my big gulp and I am thinking that what if I could never eat that stuff again. Once when I was pregnant with D3 I threw up a yoohoo and an everything bagel and have not eaten either one since.

you'll be happy to know I think I am ok, I havent tried it yet but it doesnt seem repulsive to me, like everything bagels and yoohoo.

anyway... on my way to throw up I say to freaking out D3, wake up daddy, tell him I am throwing up and Clover is having a seizure. So he gets up to help the dog, I mean seriously he has spent enough times holding my hair back and getting puked on. Back in the day like D3 and her boyfriend are in now where everything is lovey, kissy, even puke. Now, no he would rather take care of clover.

So I am laying on the bathroom floor which PS I have not cleaned in far too long and notice that as I am laying there. D3 is sitting outside the bathroom saying Mom are you ok. And I am screaming Stop dont listen to me throw up.

It was quite a scene. Clover's seizure ended, I only threw up twice and D3 finally calmed down. D4 cuddled with her poopsie girl and then we all went to bed.

Just another evening on the homefront.

Sort of like another time when D4 was having a seizure and D1 was throwing up. I think I already told that story, about D4 standing on a wheelie chair, if not I will tell it another time.

Babies are hard but man teenagers are way harder. Who knew when you were carefully breastfeeding them that later on they would eat doritos and gummi worms? Who knew when you taught them to share and play nice they would do that with boys, teenage boys who think teenage boy things and you would spend the next years sneaking up on them undercover to make sure nothing funny was going on? All the years you taught them to have manners, who knew that one summer when you worked and didnt pay attention, they would instantly go back to eating with their hands, burping loudly, and talking with food in their mouth?

It all goes bad. I have an idea of how the world should work perfectly and i will share that with you next time but for now its a birthday weekend and we are celebrating now that the curse of D1 has been lifted.

Party on Dude.

Footprints in the sand? Not me Jesus I walk alone

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


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This used to be one of my favorite poems. For a little jewish girl from the middle of Long Island for some reason I thought this was such a powerful thought.

It was then that I carried you. Wow.

As an adult it isnt often we feel the support of something like this. I carried you.

Think about the last time you were carried. Most likely by your parents or even maybe by your spouse or boyfriend you know before you gained like 40 lbs.

Being carried means that you are unable to move on alone. You need the help of someone. Someone strong, someone who loves you more than life. Someone who struggles for you so you dont have to.

D3's boyfriend carried her up the stairs recently. It was adorable. He is strong and totally in love with her and she was tired and cranky and he carried her.

Hubby used to carry me. Well before I weighed !@##$ and the safe feeling of being carried was taken over by my fear of him having a heart attack or even worse, dropping me.

I am beating around a very large bush, the burning bush? maybe.

In any case, I have always thought this poem meant something. At different points in my life I have seriously believed in God and other times when I just sensed the presence of a higher power and felt comfortable in that. There have been very few times when I totally shunned the presence of some sort of God. But that time is now.

There cannot be a God that allows criminals to win while law abiding citizens lose.

I dont know how much of this story I have told but I will be brief because the excrutiating details are too hard to go into.

We opened a girls sporting goods store. From scratch. We rented a store in a busy shopping center, we ordered all the inventory, we bought all the racks and shelves and the cash register. We did it all. The store was successful but after a short time the tragedies in my family overtook my enthusiasm for the store and I just couldnt keep dividing my time between running the store and taking care of the people that needed me.

We were going out of business when a con man who we sort of knew came in and offered us money for the store. He played us when we were in the middle of such tremendous grief that we werent paying attention. He stole everything we had and planned to take advantage of us in such a way that it would make you sick if I outlined the exact way in which he did this. His name is Michael Gongas and if you ever come across him, run for your life. He is a professional con man who stole Sportsjust4girls from me and now he has gotten away with it.

We have been sueing him for the money he never paid for the store since 2005. I have paid my lawyer over 8000 dollars and owe him 18000 more. The judge ruled against us because in my deposition I said I handed him the inventory list and in my affadavit I said I left it on the counter. And he says that he never got the inventory list and that there was no inventory.

Blah Blah Blah the story is endless. the pain is eternal. The dissapointment almost debillitating.

I just have this unending feeling of unfairness. Of course you are hearing my side and of course he has a side. His side comes from being a con artist though. He has the store in his possession, always has since 2005. He used my credit card to buy socks, 800 dollars worth of socks. He ran up the electric bill and other bills and left them in my name.

and he never paid us for the store. and the judge thought the whole case hinged on the fact that I said one thing 3 years ago and I said another a few months ago.

Motion for Summary Judgement:DENIED

He stole a whole store. He entered into a contract to purchase a business from me and never paid for it. and the judge looked at hundreds of papers of information and thought the whole point rested on the fact that I said two different things.

and that is what is wrong with this country. the whole legal system completely protects the criminals. How else can you explain this? How can there be a legal system that looks at the fact that he still owns the store, runs it everyday and makes money.

I always have wanted to believe in a GOD. I tried when all the terrible things in my life were replaced with more terrible things. I had moments when I thought I understood that things happen for a reason. I know I was never destined to have money, but that doesnt have anything to do with being taken advantage of. With someone stealing from you. Your lifes savings and then some. The loss has cost me over 200,000 dollars. It will be with me until the day I die.

Where is the justice in this? Why are criminals protected? Mike Gongas has hundreds of thousands of dollars in judgements against him from other people he has conned and the law protects him. He has a wife and daughter and son who watch him be a dirtbag and look the other way. He has assaulted people on at least 3 occassions that I know of.

where is god in all this? Where does he hide? Why does light shine on Mike Gongas, a man who makes Satan look like Mrs. Cleaver. Mike Gongas weighs over 300 lbs. Is Jesus carrying him?

It was then that I carried you. Fuck you Jesus. Seriously. this is one time too many you have fucked with me and my family. and there is no doubt in my mind that if you do exist it is only to completely screw up what is left of this disgusting excuse for a world in which we live in.

I dont need you to carry me into the gates of hell with you. I need you to step aside.

I walk alone... and I always will.