Today was a Ben and Jerry's kind of day....

I have had worse days. Oh my god I have had days that make this day look like sunshine but for some reason I am having a hard time with today. Maybe because secretly I think this is all my fault, maybe because I know it is. And yet I continue to do the things to avoid confrontation that got me into this mess in the first place.

We went to court today. Side note, I have never been to court. I have never had a ticket that I needed to fight or had any reason to be in a court room. Much less a criminal court building. I follow the rules, I am a rule worshipper.

We got lost on the way to court. I do not usually care about getting lost or being a little late but I was having such a panic attack from last night when the lawyer told me we had to appear in court that I couldnt take it. I felt like crying and screaming at the same time. My husband is a pillar of strength and thankfully he has taught me that in the end its just us and nothing else really will ever matter. If we retire in a cardboard box, that is ok as long as I have a refrigerator box to sleep in next door when he snores.

So we are late and I am sick to my stomach, probably from making myself mentally and physically ill the night before. I cant breathe and I dont want to go in.

We finally ask someone, find the building, park and go up in the elevator. Mikey G. or the Con Man as we lovingly call him in our house is sitting with his big fat ass and his 12 year old lawyer. No joke the kid cant be any older than 12. A high price criminal attorney from Manhattan who cant control his client.

We wait uncomfortably in the court room. My amazing attorney and his dear wife sit with me, figuritively holding my hand, physically if I wanted them too.

Then my lawyer and the 12 year old go into the back room to meet with the clerk. The idea is to come up with a settlement. Settle after 3 years, after losing everything I own and then some. Settle for less than he owes me? When I was sacrificing everything to start. ok sure take it all. I just want it to be over.

August 2002... my husband and I are on the way to a family wedding driving from Long Island to Albany and we are trying to come up with an idea for our own business. We talk and talk and finally come upon the idea of a girls sporting goods store. All of our girls play sports and we have found it near impossible to find girl related sporting goods. So we come up with a name, a logo that we sketch on the back of a napkin at Roy Rogers, ads, ideas, we plan it all.

Getting the money wasnt as easy as we thought. I had been writing a business plan for months and months but financing this kind of thing was almost impossible with no credit and a brand new corporation.

So we take out a home equity loan, blah blah blah hindsight is 20/20. And off we go to open our store.

It was amazing. Our first month we far exceeded our projections for sales. We had people traveling over 50 miles to visit our store which is the only one of its kind for hundreds of miles. We had pink batting gloves and bats, protective cups for girls and shirt that said boys are smelly. Everything in the store was specific for female athletes. We had christmas ornaments that were of female lacrosse players and softball players and all the others. The store was a huge success.

Time goes on, and the store is doing well. I cant go into the details now (cause I would be here for a year) but I began having weird health issues. Then tragedy hits our family as my brother in law is in a very bad snowboarding accident. The store starts to take a back seat. I cant stand being there when I know I can be of help elsewhere. I hate it, more and more everyday.

My health starts to deteriorate and I think the store is killing me. First my legs swell up so bad I look like an elephant. After months of waiting for a doctors visit, he finally does all these tests and diagnoses me with kidney failure. Um ok I looked on WebMD and I think its Lupus but if you ask House, its never lupus.

Then I wake up one day and the left side of my face is droopy. Badly droopy. My smile is crooked, my eye feels like someone has sewn the end of it to my mouth and I have no feeling in my cheek. I wait a day or so and go to my friendly neighborhood doctor. He doesnt cry, thank god, but he sends me to the emergency room. My neurologist at the ER is Eeyore and he isnt sure if I have had a stroke or not. Well ok i think his tail fell off. So after MRI's and Cat scans and all the other touch your nose crap they make you do, they give me Plavix for a stroke and tell me to take 4 and see me in the morning. Side note, I lost weight on that Plavix and I wondered if by thinning my blood I was getting lighter.

The store is holding its own and I am taking one day a week off to chill. Another story I cannot go into now(and maybe never) but tragedy strikes again as my other brother in law dies after routine back surgery. He leaves behind my favorite sister in law, more like my sister and my four year old nephew.

That is it for me. The store is in my way of being the support system for my sister and sister in law. I want out. It is too new to sell but I owe too much to walk away. So we put up big signs 40% off everything in the store. I mail flyers to all the customers telling them of our plans to close and we are mobbed as people come in and cry with me over our loss.

In walks our friend Mikey G. "oh my god my wife told me about your loss, I would love to buy the store, come up with a number and we will make it work" " oh you are grieving, let me have my attorney draw up papers for the sale" On and on he went being our friend and sympathizing with our grief.

He draws up the papers, he plans the sale, he gives me half the down payment and thats it. He steals the rest. This story is so endless and I am really getting upset about it even as I write. I will need to finish at another time but in the end he has stolen over 35,000 dollars and it has taken me over 3 years and 15000 dollars worth of lawyers fees to get to today.

Today, where we drove with gas costing 4 dollars an gallon, to a place that creeps me out to find out that once again he has screwed us. He had no plans of making an offer. For him, he loves to come to court and be an asshole. I think it is his lifes goal to kill me. And its working because I cant take it and even with lots of blood pressure medicine and remembering to breathe I am reverting back to the panic and the disaster I am when I focus too hard on this kind of stuff.

If he had stolen my car I would be in better shape. That is what my lawyers told me today. But he didnt steal my car. He stole my idea, my money, my business and left me with feelings of revenge and bitterness.

And now he wins again. Because I was in charge of the store. It was supposed to be my thing. And I dropped the ball. I didnt do what I should have when things were going bad. Its my fault and I am so sorry.

I forgot to mention that both my grandparents died within 2 weeks of each other that same summer of my stroke and the death of my brother in law. It was tragedy after tragedy and some man, Mikey G walked in and said " Well I have hit paydirt here" "I have found the two most grief stricken people on the Earth and they will sell me their lifes work"

I believe in Karma and I believe that someday good things will happen to good people and the reverse will be true for the people that hurt and steal and take advantage. I hope so and I hope I live to see it.

So even though it was a Ben and Jerrys kind of day, it was Wednesday. And Wednesday is Sundae at Carvel. So we went there instead. And yes I have to say... Ice cream does make it better.

Until tomorrow when I get on the scale.