A letter to my daughters

A friend of mine is having some problems with one of her children and she and I have had endless discussions about what to do and what not to do. I realized during one of our recent conversations that we often dont let our kids know our feelings about them and about other difficult subjects. We assume they know our thoughts on lifes difficult subjects but kids arent usually tuned into our mind powers, sometimes it needs to be said out loud. Sometimes over and over again.

We think that after a certain point we have established the rules and we expect that they know what they are and should follow them. The problem is with outside influences they sometimes lose sight of our moral values and goals and start to see their friends values as way more fun.

So I decided to write a letter to my daughters so they know how I feel.

Dear Beautiful Amazing Girls,

I love you with all my heart. I know that you know that but what I want you to know is that you will never know how much I love you until you are lucky enough to have children of your own. Sure you think you have experienced love either with us or others but the love of a parent to a child is unimaginable. It would be like if you never tasted ice cream. How could you explain that to someone who never had it? They might think they get it but never until they tasted it. That is what motherhood is like. Until you know the love of your own child you could never understand it.

I know that and that is why it doesnt hurt that bad when you hate me for things that I know are good for you and you think are bad. I wish you understood better but I know you cant. That is not how it works. You will understand someday and then you will worship the ground I walk on. Ok maybe not but you will understand why I made some of the decisions I did.

I know the decisions I have made have not always been popular ones. I know that some of the other kids are able to do more than you and you resent me for that. That is ok. I never set out to be the most popular parent. I thought I wanted our house to be the one that everyone wanted to come to but I realized that in order to be THAT house there were things I would have had to overlook and I couldnt do that. It went against my beliefs and my morals. It may be ok for the other kids but for you... I want more for you than that.

I have always wanted only the best for you. From the day you were born I had goals and plans for you. I wanted you only to experience true happiness in everything you do. And I mean that with all my heart. If you came to me and said Mom I really want to be a window washer I would say If that makes you happy be the best window washer you can be. And when you are happy I am happy.

The thing that always hurt the worst was watching you go through things that I wished I could have stopped before it hurt you. Sometimes I had gone through it and sometimes not but I could never tell you of my pain and suffering and expect you to not make those same mistakes. That is not how it works. Everyone has to make their own mistakes and as a parent that is the most painful thing to watch.

I let you make decisions for yourself early on so you would understand the consequences of decisions. I always let you choose your haircut or your hair color. If it came out wrong the lesson was hey its not so bad, hair grows back, it can be fixed. Some decisions could not be easily fixed and those are the ones I tried to guide you more on.

I never ever wanted you to hate me or misunderstand my ideas. But it happens. I loved you enough to hate people that I knew were not good enough for you to be with. Perhaps you didnt agree, maybe you still dont but in the end I think you will be happier that you finally came to the decision that you did. Life is hard enough without dead weight dragging you down.

I worry about your safety all the time and that is why I insist that you call or check in. I worry that without me to remind you of what is a good decision and what is a bad decision you will make a decision that I cant help you fix and that may change your life forever in a way that is sad and tragic and stops you from being the amazing person I know you can be.

I dont believe in underage drinking. I dont believe you have to drink to have fun. I dont believe every teenager has to drink to experience what teenagerhood is like. I believe we can openly discuss things. I believe I am reasonable enough most of the time to understand why we differ on certain things. I believe I might be wrong about this but I believe I am willing to change to make it better.

All I ever dream of for you is a lifetime of love and happiness that I have experienced with your father. A man who would lay down his life for me and for you and would do anything to make sure there is food on the table and clothes on your back. It is out there for you, you just need to look hard and not settle for less than that.

Of course I wish we had more money to spend on you all but the division of resources can only go so far. I do what I can and I hope you know that whatever you need I will try my hardest to make happen. I would love to get you all new cars and pay for college but that isnt how things worked out. I will help you but I am proud of how you have taken care of yourselves and how you are learning to be way more responsible with your money than I was at any of your ages.

The people you choose as your friends define you as well. Surround yourself with people you want to travel through life with. People that want the same things as you and are willing to sacrifice to get it. You will have many friends in your lifetime for different reasons but your sisters will always be there for you. Get to know them, each of them. I know you all individually and I am amazed how much depth there is that you may not know about the others. They will be all you have when Daddy and I are gone and you should know that a sister will always understand your pain and always want whats best for you. At least that is how it should be.

Just so you know... I am against abortion for myself but I will fight to the death for your right to choose. I believe that family always comes first and I would fight to the death to protect our own. Your safety is my number one concern and with everything I have I will never stop worrying and giving my unwanted advice to make you safe.I believe that all people are created equal and even though I make inappropriate horrible jokes from time to time I am not prejudice. I would love and accept anyone you brought into this house that made you happy and helped you to become the best YOU you could be. If I see that someone stops you from being the person you can be and brings you down or makes you something you are not I will never stop trying to change that. I believe that this country should be open to new immigrants, really that is how we all got here. I dont believe in cursing and I apologize for the times when you heard me say words that were bad. I believe in education for the sake of learning, nothing more. I dont really care about grades, I just care about knowledge. There is a huge difference.

I admire you all for your strengths and your weaknesses. I love you for what makes you YOU and what has made you that since the day you were born. I shut my mouth when I can when I think you dont want to hear me but I sit up nights wondering and hoping that you know what your life means to me and how your presence in it makes me the person I am today.

I think that each one of you is on a path that will make you into even more wonderful people. I think that with a little luck and lots of effort you will have successful, happy lives whatever you choose that to be. I wish I was a part of your everyday life and I wish I could keep you close forever. But that is not how nature works. And that is not really how I want it. I want you to be independent.

I just want you to know that you are always welcome in this home. Wherever I go our home will be open to you and yours. And I hope that when you are all grown and gone we will be together on holidays and happy events but I will not be upset if you have other obligations. I will always miss you and I will always want you. Never forget that.

You were all born into a family of love and hope and joy. We are all still like that. We will be annoying, and we will be pains in the neck but we enjoy our time together. I wish it was more often but I treasure each moment.


And so my beautiful girls, you can make fun of me for this letter, I am ok with that. I love you with every ounce of my being and your happiness is my number one concern. I am always here to listen and I am always here for advice. I think about you every minute of every day when I am with you and when I am not. Make good decisions, you never know which ones are the important ones and which ones can be the last you ever make.

The life I want for you is out there and I will always be here routing you on, picking up the pieces if you fall and dusting you off and telling you to get back out there. Life is all about small moments, a collection of them and like they say... life is not the train station its all about the trip. Make yours memorable. I know you have made mine that way.

I love you
Love Mom