If you give a moose a high powered assault rifle

Here is my take on a classic children's story...If you give a Moose a Muffin...


If you give a Moose a High Powered Assault Rifle

She is going to want some bullets to go in it

But when you get her the bullets she'll ask for a helicopter to fly around in

You'll get her the helicopter and She'll say

"Come on, Lets go play a game"

So you'll get in the helicopter and you'll be flying around when she says

Show me the Wild things

And you'll point out the raccoons and the fox and the squirrels

And she'll say No Silly I want to find the Wild things like the gays and the Muslims and the African Americans, and my sisters ex husband

who have no morals

And you'll point out Ellen DeGeneres and Lindsay Lohan and before you can say Tom Cruise she will have shot them in the back along with the Muslims at the mosque in Selden and all the people who work at planned parenthood

She will land the plane and ask you for her hunting knife

when you give it to her she will cut the heads off the people she shot

and eat their guts raw

Do you have any hooks, she'll ask

for what you say

To hang these in my house in Wasilla Alaska

We like to hang wild things on our walls

You will get her the hooks

And then she'll say

My clothes are all bloody

Can you get me some new ones from Neiman Marcus

Only if you come with me you say

I dont know she says

Do the Jews own that?

When you get her the clothes

She will think she can be vice president

She will put on Tina Fey glasses and a funny hair do

Can I talk about politics she'll say

Sure you say

But when she starts talking about politics you will realize that she is just some hillbilly from Alaska, who says words like Maverick and Change over and over while wearing pig lipstick and smirking like a pregnant teenager with a secret

Then she'll want to go on TV and pretend she knows what she is talking about

And then other hillbillies in the country will listen to her talk about her rifle and her protecting us from Wild things and

She might get to be vice president

When she does she will move her family to Washington

and she will ask

Do you have a place for our dogsled and our gun collection and our pregnant daughter and her dirt bag boyfriend?

Um I am not sure you say

so you find her a house in DC

But she doesnt like it because you cant use your helicopter to shoot poor defenseless polar bears and wolves and there are people there who are "different"

can you get me a bullhorn she asks

and when you get her the bullhorn she will walk through the streets of Washington DC screaming, Jesus hates you if you are gay and want to get married, Jesus wants you to abstain from sex, Jesus doesnt love you if you use birth control, He loves you more if you give birth to damaged kids because you are too old to have children.. He loves you more if you hate people who are different and He loves you only if you are a white god fearing christian


And she will wink and laugh and you will say

Are you serious

And she will say

You betcha, my little maverick

And you will try to get away

but she will say Take me to the White House

And when you do

She'll see John McCain lurking and stumbling around incoherently in the White House hallways

And she will think about becoming president

She'll ask you for her bullets and when you get it for her

Chances are

She'll want her High Powered Assault Rifle to go with them.